dear_mun | canon is black books

Sorry man, they were in the way.

What? No. There's nothing wrong with my books and if anything, you're in the way - wait, wait, wait! Jesus Christ, you're a talking cat. What did I do to deserve this?

No, there's nothing wrong with them. We just needed to make room for the party.

No. No, there are no parties. None. Not in my shop. NO PARTIES, it's a rule.

This must be hell. Is this hell? Was last night's wine the last drop I will ever taste, was that my last cigarette? Oh, no, hang on, got more in my pocket, it's fine.

Give me my books back, you vermin, you!

You'll get your books back.

After the party's over, anyway.

No. I'll get them back now, and I'll help you get on your way with that.

_{[ with a very stern kick. bye party cat ]}

AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL EVERY SINGLE VOLUME IS IN ITS RIGHTFUL PLACE. I'LL KILL YOU IF I HAVE TO.

Edited 2013-03-19 02:17 (UTC)

My god, you look awful.

Well, you can hardly talk, with your mangey hair and the suit you haven't washed for - what, weeks, years, lifetimes?

This - this is an established look, and you're not even pulling it off.

Oh my god. Argh! Rawr! I'm a crazy hobo, too.

I'm neither crazy nor a hobo SO BACK THE HELL OFF BEFORE I CUT YOU.

I DON'T HAVE A LIGHTER, DO YOU HAVE A LIGHTER?

[ cigarette still in hand, he draws himself up -- well, as much as he can. ]

Excuse me — I'll have you know that this suit is designed to be this way! It's a hard-wearing, hardcore look, and the way you're wearing it is offensive to my eyes.

So you can bollocks right off to wherever you came from, you... you person. [ who is him. shit. ]

_{[ excuse you are you trying to compete with yourself. you will only lose, just like i will only lose.

oh, but don't think you're the only one that can stand face to face with yourself.

this is the weirdest fucking hallucination yet, and that includes 'party cat'. ]}

Yes, and that stain? Was that designed to be there? Because I distinctly remember making that particular stain on a wet saturday evening whilst waiting for the Henry the eighth to finish up sweeping and finally realise that I was dying of hunger. Actually dying, not your run of the mill dying, but dying with a real sense of loneliness and desperation that can only be fuelled by running out of wine and cigarettes all at the same time. And then you suddenly remember that it's a Saturday and it's one in the morning and no shops are open, so you repeatedly slap, kick and punch Dumbledore until he goes out to stock up on the essentials.

_{[ and oh what a saturday that was. manny didn't even feed him. it's disgusting, the way manny treats him. it really is. ]}

Oh, and that stain - do we really need to mention how that came about?

[ best not to mention the party cat. ]

Yes! Yes it was, in fact! This stain [ jabbing at it with his finger. ] was produced, produced I tell you, with deep and loving care!

And aon't think I'm not onto you. I know what you're doing, coming up and insulting my appearance!

[ no, you started that. ]

You're trying to get to me, aren't you?

_{[ but he was here. with a party hat on. he stole my books. he stole your books. our books. the books. ]}

Produced, was it. With love and care? No, bollocks, you smashed a bottle of wine on your foot and that was the splash back lying on top of a strange white stain that smells reminiscent of custard. Don't try to bullshit me, I'm the bullshit master. I've eaten bullshit for breakfast.

_{[ wait what ]}

No, you're trying to get at me. Have been since you first arrived, like a Dickensian ghost with no style and bad hair.

_{[ is this what it's like to have a mirror? if so bernard doesn't like it. ]}

[ but we got them back! eventually. right? ]

...that's disgusting, and I say that as someone who is extremely open-minded.

What is this, some kind of Christmas story? I don't any moralizing tale about the values of friendship or whatever that shit was on.

Especially not if it involves me.

_{[ i dont know man, that cat's been gone for a while. ]}

You're about as open minded as I am, and that's... well, it's as finite as a couch's legs. And it's a saying, isn't it, so don't get all mardy.

If this was A Christmas Carol, it woud be the muppet one, because that's what you are and what you look like.

_{[ also friends HAAHAHAHAAH ]}

[ ...well, now we have to hunt him down and kick his head in until he gives up the info. ]

Mardy, me? I'd never.

You do know you're just insulting yourself, too. You horrible muppet man.

_{[ ok i'll get the booze you get the interrogation scalpel. ]}

You're always bloody mardy, because I'm always mardy. So shut it.

And yes I do, but I'm doing it with you in mind so that makes it all alright. Alright?

_{[ hold on, do i have blue eyes? never noticed that before. huh. ]}

Have you seen Manny?

You shut it.

[ gj, bernard, soul of wit as always. ]

Manny? The hairy ape? No, I bet he's gone and wandered off on his way to the shops again.

[ no idea what's going on here but whatever bro ]

I'M ARTHUR SHAPPEY.

AND- AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

...

SORRY.

I SAID IT FIRST, so you shut it times infinity.

_{[ DON'T START WITH BERNARD, BERNARD. ]}

HE'S LOST OUR BOOKS.

_{[ it might have been party cat BUT MANNY WAS IN CHARGE IT'S HIS FAULT ]}

Jesus, you don't need to shout.

_{[ GOD YOU'RE SO LOUD. Pause. ]}

You haven't got a lighter, have you? I've been due a cigarette for about six hours now and it's only getting worse.

_{[ no arthur. no. just because Bernard is irish it doesn't mean you can crack your own irish accent out. no. ]}

WHAT?

[ HOW COULD HE!! bernard stubs his cigarette against the nearest surface in rage. ]

That mangy piece of gorilla flesh! Where is he?!

YES, IT WAS- it was him! He let Party Cat in! IT'S ALL HIS FAULT! Who else could it be?!

_{[ CHRIST BERNARD WANTS A LIGHTER. You've just reminded him. ]}

I DON'T KNOW. Do you have a lighter? Give me a lighter, I want a lighter.

_{[ He's just going to search your pockets now Bernard no big deal. ]}

We should kill him, that's what we should do. And use his skin as a coat, a big, beardy coat with amazing hair.

Here, here... [ though he's not actually handing him a lighter, just lifting his arms so other bernard can rifle through his pockets (which are full of bits and pieces of paper, part of a mobile phone, a broken fountain pen, and yes, a lighter). ]

But where would we skin him? We can't do it in the shop, I won't have his Party-Cat-allowing blood on my things!

We need to find those books, too.

_{[ ugh could you just not move so much you're making this incredibly diffi- OH I REMEMBER THIS PEN. This is a good pen. I'm stealing this broken pen, I want to have two of them.

And ah, at last, the lighter. which he immediately jams towards his face because jesus christ the nicotine has practically bled away from him by this point. ]}

We could... we could do it at the pub.

_{[ that is a completely sane idea! ]}

Yes, yes, I know that, they're my books.

I don't, then? I thought we might've been playing a shouting game. Or that you might have some sort of hearing problem of some nature. I've always had trouble figuring out which is which. Still, I guess you're fine! Brilliant! [ Life how crazy it is.

but Bernard it's such a good Irish accent ]

Oh, and no, I haven't got a lighter. I still haven't figured out how to light one properly, so I'm not strictly allowed to carry one, at all, possibly ever again. At the moment.

No. No, no, no, no. I'm not- no. Shhhh.

_{[ Why are you always with the talking, stop, shhh. Bernard is going to place his hand over Arthur's mouth in attempts to quieten him down, and it's not a particularly gentle movement either. ]}

Would you stop being so LOUD? I've- I've got a hangover and you're being inhumane with your voice and the sounds that it's making. Shh. Shhhhhh.

_{[ WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A LIGHTER? Why is his life so hard? All he wanted from today was a long sleep, some bubbly fizzy make hangover go away stuff, a lighter and more wine. Today is horrible. He hates today. ]}

Now, now. Look. Find me a lighter, and. And I'll give you a book for five pounds. A whole book. A real book. Five pounds!

Edited 2013-03-24 04:52 (UTC)

[ hey, that's my pen. bernard reaches out to snatch it back. ]

The pub? Where the bar is so filthy that the maggots have moved out and set up a 'for sale' sign?

[ hm. ] That might actually work.

No, they're mine. [ but that also means that they're the other bernard's... ]

[ no sir what are you doing IT'S SO HARD TO TALK AROUND A HAND. And by god he is trying. Right up to the final shhhhh.

It normally takes a while longer before somebody does that. Even with a hangover. ]

Really? Wow. What sort of book?

[ Irish strangers and getting a book for five pounds and a lighter.

Today is brilliant. He loves today. ]

canon is black books

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i......

SCREAMS

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hhehehe

i honestly didnt expect to find another black books character let alone bernard

i was also tempted to tag w/ someone from an even more obscure comedy...

which one

the mighty boosh!

I LOVE THE MIGHTY BOOSH I SAW IT LIVE AND HELD NOEL FIELDINGS HAND yes

I'M SO JEALOUS

his hand was cold it was weird but also awesome. he was dressed as the hitcher

maybe he really is a vampire

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there is no maybe about it my friend

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flashiest vampire ever

future sailor vampires

mod vampire in a disco ball suit

with amazing hair that goes up to the ceiling

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while howard the werewolf looks on -- BARRATT IS PLAYING A WEREWOLF IN BH

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