someone just mainlined the series through s4.

[biotch]

So what, you and me, we shack up on your couch for a couple of weeks and all of a sudden you think you know my life? Like that suddenly makes us tight or something? [ Yeah, he's not having it. ]

Nah. Nah. Cause, y'see — I know guys who shit bigger turds than you. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm going home.

Here's what's not gonna happen. I'm not giving you a hug, I ain't gonna play, and I'm definitely not about to let you make me your Ken-and-Barbie fun-time bitch, yo.

We crystal?

Comments

[credential]

Most of this is figurative, yes?

[biotch]

—what? [ Random foreign....terrorist-looking...guy. You get a look. ] No, man, no. It's not like we actually shacked or anything.

[ A beat. ] But yeah, there was a couch.

[credential]

I meant your friends. [ your woman is your problem, far as he's concerned. ] And you are sleeping with your... do you have a word for her?

[biotch]

[ Jesse almost laughs at that. ] What — you mean the Medieval Times crazy cat lady who thinks my life is some Grand Theft Auto Dinner-and-Tournament shit?

[ There is not enough head shaking in the world. ] Like I said, no shacking. She just, I dunno. Falls asleep to my "dulcet tones" or whatever.

[sleuthtastic]

Ah, degenerate highschool drop-outs using misogynistic language. I can see you're a keeper.

[biotch]

Hey. Hey. I'm not a misogynistic— y'know. [ Technically, he is a high school drop out. ] I'm not a misogynist, yo.

I mean, Georgia O'Keefe totally, like. Painted vaginas and stuff. [ Would a misogynist know that??? ]

[sleuthtastic]

[ Veronica makes a little noise, and by little we really mean loud; she tips her hand into a 'thumbs down' motion, blowing a raspberry. ]

Doesn't cut the cheese, Eminem. You should be nicer to your lady friend before she turns you into a dudette.

[biotch]

[ Hey, Eminem is a national treasure. ]

Dudette—? [ Now you have Jesse's attention. ] Listen, I didn't sign up for any of this shit, okay? I'm just living my life and suddenly this headcase wants to lock me in her attic to play house? No way, man.

You familiar with this character?

[soyoudonthaveto]

Hal's sidekick from Breaking Bad, right?
(aside to me)

Have you even watched that show yet?
(back at Jesse)

Look, Pinkman. Trust me, I've tried, I've REALLY tried. I mean, hell, I was literally one with the universe before this asshole tried "immortalizing me" and forced me into his head.

Either he reigns back control, or he threatens to send a homicidal AI/pacifistic medic combo or an interdimensional conqueror at me.

Long story short, we can't get away.

(whispers)
But if you find a way, PLEASE help me kick my mun's ass.

i'm not, unfortunately! is that a problem?

[biotch]

[ Jesse is just going to stare for a moment. A long moment.

He'd like to say this is some of the weirdest shit he's ever had come up in conversation, but it takes all types when you're a recovering meth junkie. ]

—dude.

[ Which is short hand for what the fuck are you on, man. ]

oh my gosh your jesse is fantastic

[crownless]

Except that's not gonna stop 'em from thinking they can screw around in your fuckin' life. Muns are a bunch of assholes.

u///u thank you so much i'm still finding my feet BUT I LOVE HIM

[biotch]

I hear you, man. They're like megaassholes. The Godzilla of assholes.

Like — if assholes had assholes? That's what muns would be, am I right?

ME TOO AHHH JESSE

[crownless]

Jesus, dude. [Travis snorts, incredulous.] D'you really wanna think about Godzilla's asshole?

But I mean, at least you're not in a game yet. I guess you've lucked out there.

[measures]

Cool your jets, kid. There's a lot worse that could happen, place like this.

[biotch]

Cool my jets? [ There's a little bit of heat in that first question, but it's gone before it can go anywhere, Jesse's hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jacket, making him look guilty as he drops his voice to a whisper. ] Dude, Mike — have you heard about the kind of shit that goes down? All it takes is for her to get the idea in her head and the next thing you know, she's My Little Ponying my ass to some magical dragon in a tower and the highlight of my week is a Princess Leia collar and a metal bikini.

[ A beat and then way more earnestly than he probably intends: ] That shit ain't right.

[measures]

Not one bit, but that doesn't change the fact that we can't do shit about it.

[ Mike shrugs, apparently fairly unconcerned with the proceedings (or, at least, resigned to them). ]

Anyway, don't give her more cannon fodder, unless you want to be digging yourself deeper into that hole.

[afieldsmedal]

I'm going to guess you didn't play with many Barbies as a child, but - ( tch ) - you're not exactly a Ken.

[biotch]

[ Jesse puffs himself up slightly, aiming for blowfish but looking more like a bird trying to look bigger than it actually is. ]

Hey, Ken doesn't know where to put it, okay? Me, I'm a specialist. I specialize — alright?

[afieldsmedal]

In grossly immature and grammatically desperate emotional defense? [ You know, it's something about the obviously uneducated that make it hard not to bust out her vocabulary and flaunt it like a Thierry Hermès scarf. ]

Actually, no - I don't want to know what you specialize in or where you put anything.

[1475]

Hm - it's cute because you actually think she cares what you say.

[biotch]

[ Is it sad that this isn't the first time in his life that Jesse's been told something similar. Mr. White had said, how naive does he think you are and Jesse's starting to think that maybe Gus had been right. ]

Yeah, well, if she didn't care what I said, I'd already be packing my bags, wouldn't I?

[ Wait, why is he defending her? ]

[1475]

[ Sometimes people just need to be brought back down to earth and be reminded they don't matter much. Sometimes that is through a broken heart, but the quick and succinct you're insignificant way works just as effectively. ]

No, I meant she doesn't care about your little home, which is why you're not packing your bags. If she really likes you, she's not going to let that happen.

[sloppiest]

Wow, you're a real charmer. It's adorable you think your mun actually cares what you think. I'd be careful, your mun might turn your junk into a Ken doll's if you keep this up.

[biotch]

Dude—! [ Jesse doesn't know what it is about people around here, talking about his junk and what this lady's going to do about it, but it's seriously not cool, okay. ] — what is with everybody talkin' about my junk, man? That shit's seriously not okay, yo.

[sloppiest]

[ s m i r k. tiffany might also be picturing your junk right now jesse. ]

Fine, then. What should we talk about?