Voicetesting for adstringendum

[temperm]

I may be in no place to speak, but I don't think this is the best choice!

[Slamming a heavily tabbed and bookmarked notebook on the table.]

I've researched many of these games and found that a majority of them have a much higher survival rate than that city. From these reports, multiple deaths are common and most of them are by outlaws that are never punished! More to the point, these people have powers that go beyond any hijutsus and there's no structure what so ever. Raiko-san isn't there- Are you trying to kill me?

[His expression softens to a downcast look.]

...I want to do something for them, but I don't think I can.

Comments

[forswear]

You underestimate yourself.

[temperm]

But Raikou-san, it's not anything like the shinrabanshou or Miharu-kun. From what I've discovered, it's millions of places and people pushed together with no structure or anything. I don't know where to start with something like that.

...And I won't be by your side either.

[Quietly.]

[As for underestimating himself in terms of dying quickly, well, he doesn't touch upon that. Dying alone, without Raiko, is an unimaginable fate that his mind prevents him from even thinking about.]

[forswear]

... No, you won't, will you.

[ he means to be firm with gau, to guide him towards some semblance of comfort in an otherwise murky situation, but while his expression remains carefully impassive, his tone belies it. and so his lips curve easily into that smile, that meticulous facade he knows the other can see through. ]

I suppose you'll have no need for spider lilies, then. [ though raikou has little need for them himself now, it's a reminder. be careful, hold your head high, because i can't protect you there. ]

[temperm]

[Gau had memorized every muscle that was involved in Raiko's smile- the true one, the one that kept him going through just about anything- and from just a brief flick of his eyes examining the other's face he knew exactly what this particular smile entailed.

"No, I won't be there.". Why, for all the times he'd entrusted his thoughts to Raiko, was it so hard to spit out the truth now?]

[Gau was no master of facial facade, so in his case there was no need to look past the expression to see his thoughts. It was plastered across his face.]

...That's not true, Raiko-san.

There's still parts of the city that can grow things. A few people have gardens which grow flowers, so I think...I think I could take some seeds.

[Maybe I won't be able to be by your side and you won't be with me, but I want part of you to be there, no matter how small.]

[forswear]

[ with a thinning of his lips, his expression softens around the edges, fading in its insincerity, but not its core. he could do them both a favor, wave off the space pregnant with tension between them, but how much of a so-called favor would that truly be?

they're two separate entities — one can function without the other, but for some strange reason, it almost feels like the loss of a limb. therein lies the pitfall. ]

And what will you do with them? Spend your days tending to them? [ there's no malicious intent behind his words or buried deep within his tone. in fact, his tone is hushed to mirror the bare expression his prior facade left behind. petals make for poor protection. ]

You'll need tending yourself.

[temperm]

[...No, that wouldn't be living, would it. If anything, Gau was a boy of keeping busy, packing his day full of lists and routines (and the things shoved in there by whatever Raiko needed, of course) and sorting them out one by one and with diligent care. Tending to one thing, over and over without end or variation to keep a memory of what was alive-

That's no better than dead, is it? Raiko-san wouldn't want that. Reducing one's life to the effort to keep memories alive caused nothing but misery.]

[He had to find that resolve somewhere.]

It's not like that, Raiko-san. I've heard there are people trying to negotiate with the people who created the city and to bring peace. I think, even if I can't do much, I could do something for them to help.

["...And get protection there." No one, even across universes, could ever replace Raiko, but until Gau could get back home he couldn't let himself just die.]

[forswear]

You've always been able to do more than you give yourself credit for, Gau.

[ but despite the twist in his stomach, a sharp and strange ache, the corners of his lips twitch into another small smile. it's a bit rueful in nature, but it doesn't make his words any less true. gau is strong in ways raikou could perhaps never be, maybe never even fully comprehend.

and this, for as much as he wants him to stay by his side, may give him a way out of the world of nabari and a taste of what life could truly be like. there's no denying the benefits the other could reap from aiding such a cause.

so raikou holds tight to his calm neutrality. gau has sacrificed more than enough. ]

They would be lucky to have you.

[temperm]

[It's a strange irony. For every ounce of resolve he musters for his current situation, the same stabbing pain he feels in his own gut. The more he gathers strength, the more he accepts this reality and the inevitable separation. He swallows hard and fights back the urge to resume his usual, but now useless, cling to Raiko's arm for security.]

[But then Raiko was praising him and no matter how much the meaning behind it hurt, the small glow inside it gave Gau was just enough for a small, sad smile to flit across his face.]

Thank you, Raiko-san.

But even if it's selfish and if I can help them while they're there, I'll find a way to get back to our world. Back to you, Raiko-san.

[There had to be. Perhaps he would be forced to accept being sent there as reality, but that it was the end-all of his life and leading to nothing but a dead end was not something he could bear to accept. It was a different resolve, but one all the same.]

[forswear]

[ raikou's fingers curl inwards, brushing against the cuff of his sleeve and he's softening again, gaze dipping from gau as he listens to him. ]

It isn't selfish. [ but it is of me. he lets out a breathy chuckle, ignoring the way the sound catches in the root of his throat as he closes a bit of distance between them to place a hand on top of gau's head. ]

I'll wait for you, so you'd better return. [ shifting his hand ever so slightly, he threads his fingers into the fluff of his hair. it should be a threat — the very nature and wording of it makes it sound as if it is — but it isn't. in truth, it's a request. ]

[temperm]

[If it were any other time or place, the familiar feeling of Raiko's hand on his head would only contribute to that warm glow inside him and push that smile out. But now, as if Raiko was pulling at his hair as hard as he possibly could, Gau felt tears slide from his eyes, tears that had been pent up from the moment Raiko started speaking. Immediately, he raises an arm to wipe each eye off individually, stepping forward just ever so slightly to make his contribution to the elimination of space between them.]

[And here Raiko was, in the way Gau had always known him to and others did not understand, asking him to get through the tunnel, to stay strong.]

[Though the tears were half wiped off his cheeks and more to come from his eyes, Gau summons his strength to smile as he looks up.]

Even if the world ends, I'll come back to your side.

["No matter what"]

[forswear]

[ as usual, gau's tears dispel the need for shallow, theatrical words and raikou finds himself at a loss as he watches him sob, fingers buried deep, but gently in his hair. he's never been good with words, with truths, it's always been much easier to shoulder the burden of vulnerability than let it rule his features.

in this, gau is the strong one and raikou is merely a child trying to puzzle through his own emotions and reactions. calloused fingers brush softly against the crown of his head, followed shortly by the pad of his thumb once he smiles up at him.

and he knows it's the truth for all of its raw sincerity. ]

I know you will. This isn't goodbye, Gau.

[ his fingers retreat from their place in his hair to brush the remaining tears from his cheeks. even now, faced with the uncertainty of the future, all he can offer him is support and strength to draw from should he need it. ]

[temperm]

But it's still sad!

[Even if Raiko's false, pained smile was the only one that caused Gau to feel something but adoration, he somewhat envied him due to the simply ability to keep it up. The smile that he had pushed forward crumbled just as fast as it had appeared, leaving him merely sobbing and sniffling again. He needed to be the strength behind Raiko, the one to support him from the sides even when all forces were opposed.]

[So he cursed himself for his propensity towards crying and focus on the truth of the situation.]

I won't see you or be able to do any of the work for you that's needed of me-

[All the routines he'd based his life around for the past three years would simply vanish and any sense of normalcy with it, to be replaced by an unknown truth and life pattern he had to get resolve towards.]

[It frightened him, and even when the touch to his cheeks stops him mid-sentence, he had to tell the truth he did know at the moment, the truth he always fell back on. Though he wanted to grip those fingers for security, he merely looked up at the other.]

...I'll miss you so much, Raiko-san.

and then i was really late

[forswear]

[ the urge to disconnect and disengage immediately gnaws at raikou's nerves the moment gau starts again, understandably upset and hurt because of the situation. it takes a reminder to keep close to him, to not pull back as if he was burned, cold and uncaring — a reminder that gau, of all people, has done nothing but lay his heart on the table and expose himself for all of his weaknesses and strengths, and he's asked nothing of raikou in return. nothing too overreaching, anyway.

with a sharp inhalation of air, lips pressing tightly together soon after, he sets that hand on the other's shoulder, fingers still damp with the tears he wiped away prior. ]

I'll miss you, too.

[ it's quiet, hushed to a point it may not have been audible if they were any further apart, and punctuated with a gentle movement to pull gau closer into a one-armed hug. with time, raikou may get used to feeling so vulnerable and acting so candid on behalf of his emotions. for now, it's a work in progress and he can't muster up the strength to hold his fake smile in its place at the moment. ]

it's ok <3

[temperm]

[It only took the few words that Raikou spoke, combined with the tight and pained expression, for Gau to make an attempt at reigning in his tears and sobs. It was a sudden realization, a slap in his face, that Raikou was probably feeling the same, and Gau mentally scolded himself for his selfishness.]

[It was the fragile hug, however, that cut his breath short and stopped any sniffle that racked his body just as suddenly. Being this close to Raikou, even that much closer than Gau's standard arm-cling, sent a jolt, a flutter, through his chest. Only this time, unlike any others, circumstances turned it to guilt.]

[Raikou wasn't used to this, and Gau felt his vulnerability through his cautious embrace. Slowly, and just as gently as Raikou himself had, Gau wrapped his arms around the other's body and gave a resolved sigh, lending his support with a squeeze that held them together.]