On opening night of The Hobbit - no spoilers in OP

[barrelrider]

So! There you have it! Thirteen dwarves, a wizard, and more sore feet than I think anyone ought to have in their lifetime.

[He seems to have forgotten his previous doubts about leaving home (for now).]

A fine Adventure indeed.

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[gollum]

And what about hobbitsies, precious? It didn't say anything about... hobbitsies.

That's because it is hobbitsies, my love. Not orcsies. Not trollsies. Not dwarvsies. Hobbitsies, precious. Lost, gollum, lost, lost. Nasty, tricksy...



Bagginsies.

[barrelrider]

[He could have gone a much, much longer time without hearing that voice snaking into his ears. It sends an unpleasant shiver right up his back]

Ah, well, that is. Hobbits are hobbits. I don't think there isn't much to say about the subject at the moment! [Bilbo's voice at that moment gives a bit of a squeak. When he signed the contract, getting tossed down into dank, musty caverns with creatures like Gollum hadn't quite crossed his mind]

[gollum]

But we wants to talk about hobbitsies, precious. Oh, yes, we do. Sneaky little hobbitsies.

[and speaking of sneaking, here Gollum is, crawling through the dank musty cavern that is dear_mun.]

What's its nasty adventure, precious? Sneaking? Thieving?

[barrelrider]

[Bilbo has his little sword out.] No, I wouldn't put it quite like that - stay where you are! - and at any rate, I dare say there isn't very much to talk about. Hobbits are hobbits. You are...whatever it is you are.

[He thinks back to the contract then, and realized Gollum is right - considering he signed on as the resident Burglar, it really is supposed to be about sneaking and thieving.]

[iorhael]

It was, wasn't it? See, it wasn't so bad, taking that late night Adventure to see it!

[barrelrider]

[Fussing with his coat, frowning at this strange hobbit] Yes, yes, I suppose you were right. If you ignored the alarming amount of times our company was shoved into all sorts of near-death experiences!

[Despite that, he sounds different than when he set out on his journey]

[iorhael]

[Bilbo, you just buttoned you coat (again) and this time, done so crooked]

Yes, I suppose, but you always made it seem more dreadfully exciting than just plain dreadful. Will you see the next one?

[barrelrider]

[What are you staring at his coat for, Frodo? All right, so it is ragged and has not been washed as much as it deserves since he set out on an Adventure! He's probably a terrible sight right now.

(Somehow Gandalf neglected to mention Adventures were a dirty business, literally).]

I think at this rate I will. No sense turning back when we've come this far!

[Bilbo sets his face into what he hopes is a stern, determined expression. After surviving goblins and wargs and Gollum, it's not as difficult as it would be when this all started]

[iorhael]

[oh yes, in his own way: a dangerous business, particularly to waistcoats, weskits, and handkerchiefs! ]

Yes. It might take doubly long to get back now as it is to go forward, with how smoothly your adventure has gone.

[I am quite afraid, Bilbo, that that the look ends up rather pinched and put upon and above all, very unhappy, like a particularly bedraggled cat bracing itself for another downpour.]

[barrelrider]

[There is a long telling silence from Bilbo]

Smoothly! I wouldn't call it "smoothly"! [That pinched bedraggled cat look is even more put upon. Bilbo huffs] Attacked by trolls and orcs and goblins, and even things without names! "Smoothly", indeed!

[iorhael]

[Frodo almost smiles at the near squeak that came out of him but mercifully for Bilbo manages to keep a straight face]

As smoothly as an Adventure of such sort could go; after all, you came out in one piece, and in some cases, better than where you had begun.

[Coming out with a good portion of treasure and better, worlds wiser for it]

[barrelrider]

Better than where I had begun - if that was the case, I would be snug in my chair with a good book in hand, and with fresh clean clothes and -

[Bilbo could go on in that vein if you let him. Luckily he's so taken aback that he runs out of steam and words, coming to a blustering stop]

And I take it, then, that you are well-versed in how real Adventures ought to go, are you? Probably part-Took if you're interested in this sort of thing.

[iorhael]

Part-Brandybuck, and proud of it!

[The smile is starting to come out no matter Frodo's efforts otherwise]

-And you would have been reading on and on about adventures, wondering, but never knowing, safe from the armchair you never left.

[The smile has faded]

I do not know about being well-versed in more Adventures, but I have had at least one, and it was quite enough for me.

[barrelrider]

[Somehow that doesn't surprise him - Brandybucks are almost up there with Tooks in oddness, in his opinion. It's not the most respectable hobby if you ask Bilbo Baggins]

True. But on the other hand, I would have the comfort of knowing that my odds of being squashed by a stone giant are much lower.

[He studies this strange hobbit. Now that he's mentioned it, he can see the shades of Brandybuck in the lad.]

I would have to agree! And where did your Adventure take you?

[iorhael]

....Yes, quite. Anyone could do without even the thought of it, but it did give you a good story to tell when you got back.

[He's gone a little quiet]

It took me into fire and shadow, towards sword, sting, and bite.

[he quickly changes the subject]

And you, I suppose now that you have had an Adventure now, a proper one, that you may end up in another sooner or later. Seeing how muns are

[dwarvling]

And many a sore hoof as well, for a time!

[barrelrider]

That as well! I'd almost gotten used to riding ponies.

[dwarvling]

Ponies are wonderful creatures, better for long distances than your own feet.

[barrelrider]

Well, yes. There's that. They're quicker, at any rate. [He still prefers walking - you don't want to know what he felt like after his first day of pony riding, ignoring the allergies]

[dwarvling]

[Oh, Kili knows. Everyone has a first riding experience. His didn't involve allergies though, and he was smaller than Bilbo at the time.]

And journeying alone by foot must get terribly dull. At least with a horse you've got some sort of company.

[barrelrider]

[Try telling Bilbo that Kili was ever smaller than him - he somehow has the unreasonable expectation that Kili has always been bigger, hairier and with a weapon stuck in his hand since the very beginning! It never occurred to Bilbo that Kili could be as new at any of this as he is]

I'd say in our case, company isn't an issue! Do dwarves always travel in herds?

[dwarvling]

[Hey, he was a kid once. And he's only barely an adult now, by Dwarf standards.]

Not always, there are enough of us who like to travel alone. I've just never had the need to, with my brother at my back.

[barrelrider]

[Bilbo would find that even harder to fathom, if it wasn't for the fact Kili's beard isn't anywhere as impressive as the other dwarves. It's not much good for waggling at hobbits, is it? Maybe when he's older.

Of course Bilbo is too polite to say that, but yes. ]

Ah, I see. And what do you and your brother plan to do after our Adventure?

[Focusing on the possibility of an After Smaug helps Bilbo get through the day. ]

[dwarvling]

[And its likely for the best that Bilbo hadn't mentioned it, as his beard is a topic of much anxiety for him. It's really not fair that his has taken so long to grow properly.

As for after the adventure, well, that's been discussed.]

We'll be staying alongside Thorin, of course. He's our uncle after all, and should he not find a wife, Fili would be the next King Under the Mountain.

[barrelrider]

Fili as the next King Under the Mountain? [Bilbo has a good think on that one. He has to admit, he can't picture anyone but Thorin as the king - if you look past what Bilbo thinks is an excessive amount of stubbornness and beard, he just has that bearing, like the kings he read about in the stories.

Not that he has anything against Fili, that is. Bilbo suddenly has a thought] What do dwarf women look like?

[Strangely enough, it's one of those thoughts that never occurred to him until now]

[dwarvling]

Aye, Fili's ready and prepared, should it come to it. [Not Kili though, no. He's never had to worry about that, not with an older brother to put all the responsibility onto. Maybe once Fili is king, far off in the future, he will start thinking about it.

As for dwarf women....well, that's an interesting question. Were Bilbo to have asked one of the others of their company, Bofur perhaps, or Nori, the answer might have been "Kili". Which is just terrible.]

Dwarf women are hardy folk, and they look like us, but just a bit softer and rounder. Unless you eat as much as Bombur, then they're just as round and soft. Usually with less heavy a mustache than him though.