dear_mun | (no subject)

[ And that does it, makes Setsuna snap and turn swift on his heel, a tiger that has been provoked into a pounce. ]

This sort of masochism... disgusting. You don't even realize it, do you?

[ He stalks back in front of Suzaku, gets in his face, in his mask. He won't punch or slap or otherwise physically attack, but his eyes are glowing fiercely, infuriated. ]

You claim to be justice, yet look how selfish you are. You think this is what he wants? Maybe then, but not now. I don't care about titles or crowns, but you were his knight once. You still are, he tells me. You can swear an oath to your grave, but this isn't an oath. It's just satisfying yourself, what you believe your punishment should be.

[ Actually, no, he will give him a shove, more of a push to wake him the hell up than to be aggressive. He's not trying to start an altercation, just trying to get Suzaku to see reason. ]

You aren't a sword. You're just a shell. You're trying to bury your heart, and it's disgusting. What do you think makes a knight a knight, a sword a sword?

It's his heart. And to throw it away as if it's nothing... you can never protect anyone like that.

Edited 2012-10-25 16:28 (UTC)

[Zero is impassive through the lecturing; this "selfishness" that Setsuna calls it: it's one of the few things he's held with any certainty in what feels like ages. They'd made amends, made a pact--a plan for atonement which there'd been no alternative. But the mention that this isn't what Lelouch wants? Anger simmers beneath the surface, though whether at those words or the presumption that this is done for either of them and not the world they helped tear apart...

Suzaku, for a brief instant, is the one to grab for Setsuna's wrist as he's shoved. Zero would be the one to hold onto it.]

You're wrong.

[He can't be emotional, can't be pushed by this.]

This isn't for me. This isn't even for Lelouch. It doesn't matter if it's what he wants--we were knight and emperor in name only. It was a formality, never real.

[We were friends. Breathe, Zero.]

This is for the lives we destroyed. This is my sentence, to persist like this. It can only be disgusting because this is meant to be punishment for a disgusting series of choices made in life.

If I were to live as Suzaku, I would never be able...

[To give back to the scores of dead, to give back to his homeland for all he'd done against her. Breathe.]

...Do you honestly think I enjoy this?

[His words sit low, and Zero fights to gather himself around this central emptiness, the part of him that absorbs the impact of his existence and reaffirms that this is the punishment he faces for his crimes. He acts only for others, for the civilians who managed to survive, for the memory of those lost, for her because she is the one to whom the world turns now.

He puts up with it willingly, serves his sentence without complaint. It's what he deserves for being as selfish as he was in the past.]

You were friends, weren't you?

[ Typical Setsuna, cutting straight through the long-winded bullshit to the truth. ]

You were more than that. I know this. I am not like you. I have seen. With these eyes and with my Gundam I have seen the nature of his feelings.

[ Setsuna does not flinch when his wrist is snatched or react aggressively; he has been sated, his anger simmering down again. But he still addresses Suzaku sternly, unwaveringly, a sword in the proverbial stone that budges only for the truly worthy. Gold eyes staring into an opaque mask, seeing what others can't. ]

Penance, atonement. You can disguise your words, but you're lying. The only sentence is one you've imposed on yourself. It is a punishment you willingly endure. Your "Requiem" has no place here.

[ And at Suzaku's last question, the brutal, cutting truth: ]

Yes.

Edited 2012-10-25 20:17 (UTC)

[So blunt, Setsuna; yes. But how could you know, Zero wants to ask, but he stays silent. Wants to ask how he knows anything about Lelouch's thoughts, but decides that's something better not to ask for an entirely different reason. Whatever a Gundam is, that's also left to things Zero dismisses. The hold on Setsuna's wrist is firm, but not with intent to harm. Just to keep. To hold in place while Zero scrambles to keep Suzaku buried.

Those words miss something vital, Setsuna, and it's for that Zero watches him, studies him. Taking responsibility, enduring punishment--it's like any other prison sentence. Only his prison is within the walls of a mask and loaded mantle. If he stood outside them for any reason, it would be unforgivable. Because of this, he refuses to do so. He'll remain Zero because that is what he swore to do, because they'd committed to it. Even if things work differently here, it... doesn't change anything.

But...

"Yes."

No. If he enjoyed it, the purpose would be lost.]

Wrong.

[He feels deserving of it, yes; but being willing to accept and endure punishment is very different from enjoying it. He hates being unable to do more than he can, be restricted the way he is. Being left behind, alone. He'll suffer it, though, and do what he can for the world even if it's only so much. After all, it's Nunnally's show, now. He'll stand by her, offer her what insight he can (he's no political strategist like Lelouch, and the world's on that new axis for now). But to enjoy his punishment proper...? No. No, he's sure that isn't true.]

[ The inhuman circuitry surging through Setsuna's eyes says what his mouth does not, you're lying, but indeed, he'll refrain from pressing the matter further. He does, however, shift his wrist, unfold his fingers, and... ]

I'm sorry.

[ ...lace them around Suzaku's, holding tight. Because Setsuna is also a knight, a sword for justice, and so he understands how to protect, preserve. He cannot protect Suzaku from the fate that has befallen him, but he can protect him from falling further. ]

I'm sorry it hurts to be alive.

I hope that someday you find reason to live again. A reason that isn't this sort of punishment.

[ His eyes drop, lose their color and return to a murky brown. ]

Suzaku Kururugi... is someone who deserves to be alive, so I am told. So I know.

[He's too used to glowing eyes to really say anything about Setsuna's, and the aversion of his gaze denies him much chance to take note of it now. And then it's not averted but rather on their joined hands. It seems like the most fascinating thing in the world for that moment, and Zero can't help but stare.

He looks up from there to Setsuna, almost uncomprehending the sudden change. But then it isn't, is it? Tension simultaneously rushes into him and drains away, physical manifestation of the uncertainty running through his mind. What... Those words make his chest tighten, breath coming shorter. While Setsuna looks away, he continues to watch.

Suzaku squeezes his eyes shut behind the mask of Zero; no. No, he doesn't... Not after everything. Not unless it is to atone. Kururugi Suzaku was a war criminal, he doesn't...]

You don't know what you're talking about.

[He's sure of it. There's no way Setsuna could know anything. And Lelouch... They're the same, and this is the only way... for either of them to move towards some thin chance at redeeming their worth as humans. For Lelouch to set the world moving again, and for Suzaku to ensure that it continues as Zero...]

[ Indeed, Setsuna's gaze is reluctant to meet Suzaku's now, saddened as it is, full of hurt that he tries to hide, too. The denial of his own existence, the one he threw away in favor of a nobler cause. For Setsuna served a Requiem as well, and someone he loved had died to see it to fruition. He had been a sword to piece through the heart of a tyrant and he had seen the transformation of his world, but behind a mask. The watchful eyes of the Ptolemy, circling the world unknown, terrorists and heroes the world reviled. ]

He... couldn't live in that world he made. Lelouch couldn't—

[ Setsuna pauses, catches his breath, won't let that scant bit of emotion he still possesses to tumble out. ]

It's unfair. But it's also unfair that you're doing this to yourself. You know he hasn't given up on you, he still... he still believes, someday, you'll return.

[ He brings their joined hands to his forehead. He is not the sort to cry and he does not, but his voice wavers the slightest bit. ]

Someday, come back and see him. Please. Not as this Zero, but as the knight he loves.

[Zero isn't sure how to take the direction they seem to be falling, but to know... To know all that Setsuna says and find it tugs at the wall he's fought to build around his heart--as if everything else hasn't pulled at it enough as it is...

Lelouch couldn't live in that world because he knew someone needed to fall, that blame could be placed somewhere. That had, at one point, just been the logical conclusion. Hearing it said aloud, hearing it now meant an entirely different absorption of the fact, the sentiment.

But still, Zero can't accept that it's unfair to anyone that he lives out this punishment. He's deserving of it, of this non-identity. But even as he knows this, even as he's forced himself to swallow and accept this, with Setsuna like this (a man he doesn't know, and yet awash with emotion he can't even fathom to know the depths of), Suzaku holds a little more firmly to the hand clasping his.]

...Maybe someday.

[Zero can't keep every desire quiet, can't smother all of Suzaku, and he knows it. Knows it more clearly now, in any event, where those barriers he's kept up have slowly begun to crumble the more he fights to keep them standing. Kururugi Suzaku is an emotional person; a mask can only hide so much of that when faced with someone equally so.]

[ Falling is inevitable. Someone or something must always fall for great change to come to pass. Lelouch had to die; Lockon had to die. And because they died, because of that sacrifice, the people Suzaku and Setsuna cared for most of all contributed to a better, bright future, a tomorrow free of the scourge of war.

The peace is tenuous and weak, but at the same time it is strong, because of people like Suzaku and Setsuna, who will always be watching from the shadows of time and space.

And the thought, and Suzaku's words, makes him smile, too. ]

Someday will come as soon as you allow it, Suzaku Kururugi.

I will believe in that.

[ And believe in you, his hand says, easing into Suzaku's grip. Submission and understanding to his decision, if not his mindset of harmful self-sacrifice. ]

[He wants to believe that, Setsuna; really, he does. But for now, he has to believe that it will be some time yet. Maybe in his final days, when the ability to maintain this sort of lifestyle and the Geass' strength fades... And once the world has come to find its peace. Maybe then... He's not sure he can allow it to come before then. This is still due punishment, and as such he has to endure it.]

Thank you.

[And it's all he can say, to thank Setsuna for that when he's so invested in it. And Suzaku is, deep down beneath the pressure of black gloves and the weight of an icon's mask, a tactile individual. And maybe that slips out some as there's an impulse to wrap his free arm around Setsuna--denied, of course, he can't do that. Though, in place of that, he's driven to pry if only a little, just to understand--]

--Why do you feel so strongly about this?

[It isn't a harsh question, his voice too soft for that. It's an honest one. He can understand Lelouch directly caring, but not through another vehicle. He can understand anyone from Ashford or Miss Cecile or maybe even C.C., but a stranger...? It still doesn't quite make sense.]

Because that is who Gundam is.

[ Setsuna says such a baffling statement so directly, so convincingly, that it could not be considered anything but the truth, going by tone alone. Thankfully for Suzaku, he elaborates further. ]

I am Gundam. The hearts and minds of this world... I think they should come together. And I want to share that with you. There is a heart and mind inside of you, beating, alive. You are part of this world, too. And that means you cannot be a "Zero".

[ No, Suzaku, he still doesn't understand that it's a name, or rather chooses to ignore it in favor of trying to convince you that it is okay, it is alright, to shed the mask, if only figuratively, and let your guard down. Even in front of a stranger.

Setsuna lowers their hands and stands up tall, like the Gundam he is so proud of and strives to be. ]

You can be a sword. But you cannot be a "Zero".

[He's patient for the explanation, taking it in as Setsuna brings it to light. Though it isn't entirely clear, he has a better idea. Or at least he assumes he does. It's a pretty picture he paints, and it isn't unlike the one he and Lelouch strove for. A world in some form of harmony--political, in their case. A world where tyranny doesn't strip away lives and cultures for the benefit of the motherland.

Zero's lips curve into a wry smile and that continued misunderstanding--one that makes sense, but all the same proves amusing in a way he'd not find in his own world. "Zero" was a symbol known worldwide, better in the eastern former-Britannian territories, and eastern Asia. His free hand lifts to rest on Setsuna's shoulder.]

I am both. There is meaning in being Zero; it's not a number, but a symbol.

[It just strips him of his identity. This is something he's mostly come to terms with, even as he struggles to live by it. It's an ongoing process.]

[ Setsuna is no artist, but he is an idealist, albeit a grittier a sort, a craftsman in his own way. Someone who shapes the future with his sword in the same manner Suzaku does, the man without a face and without a name save for the lie the world knows.

But a lie, as they both know, can do great good for the sake of all.

Setsuna returns the smile, warily, yet makes an effort nonetheless to show the good will he's been granted. ]

You remind me of him. [ His eyes flick downward, briefly, then back up again. ] There's blood on your hands, but there's a gentleness as well.

[ He steps closer. ]

I would like to know you better, someday.

[The lie is necessary, for now. It isn't one used to break something down, but rather to offer foundation and support. It isn't really something without genuine meaning, either--it's simply a new addition to an old meaning. In this case, a new bearer of the mask. He still will stand for all that is required of Zero, will still perform his duties as the symbol. It is a mask without ill-intent.

Zero tips his head slightly toward a shoulder, regarding Setsuna with the new angle. The world is still purple-toned with the visor before his eyes, but he can see clearly enough. The mention of gentleness has him wondering if that's really true at this point, but he opts not to question it. If it's something he still possesses the capability for, it'll show itself through deed.

For just a second, he glances down to see how close they stand.]

Someday.

[It's an easy, comfortable echo, because Setsuna seems like the sort of person he'd not mind knowing better. Earnest, but as aware of the world around him as is necessary. Though, Zero wonders if maybe there are still things Setsuna refuses to acknowledge.

With the friends Suzaku's kept, he doesn't find it surprising that he'd not be opposed to adding Setsuna to that short list.]

(no subject)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Probably shift to musebox within the next few?

No problem. :)

/o/

THAT ICON THAT TAG THIS THREAD I CAN'T

oops

no subject

no subject

TAGS BACK A MILLION YEARS LATER

IT'S OKAY BB