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[oathtotheking]

Player-

You've committed yourself, already. If you want to seek a second game, even that will not be with me. I have work to do and a charge to fulfill; you can't just pluck me up to toy with because you're re-watching the series and you see him somewhere.

- Zero

Comments

[oathtotheking]

[This... is almost painful, or so suggests the knot building in him. Emotional as Suzaku is (still, somewhere beneath the weight of Zero and that oath), Zero stands unmoving even as the corners of his eyes burn. Breathe. He can't afford to let things fall apart just because he's faced the dead twice. But nothing is as intimate as murder, not the way they executed it. Vengeance and penance all in one, a way to free the world. Dried blood in the crevices of his helmet he couldn't reach, and there are days he swears there is blood smeared along the glossy surface just like that day.

Lelouch, stop being the reason he loses his shit.

... But ever the same, Lelouch. And maybe under his masks, Zero's--or perhaps Suzaku's--lips curve in a sort of sad way. Breathe.]

Who am I, if not Zero?

[It is what it is; they made their bed.]

[oathtotheking]

[It's twisted, but it's no less and no more than what he deserves; it would be deplorable if he failed to give everything he had to carry out this "Geass". It prevents him even from removing his helmet in the face of the one responsible for it. It would draw him away from Zero and into Suzaku, and that... simply can't be done. Not now. Breathe.

He must be a masochist.

But even he has to steel himself against wincing with that cut-off phrase, because there was no heroism in that act.]

At first, nowhere in particular.

[The nice thing about broken fourth walls? Being able to give direction to the face he's wearing right now despite the helmet. Do you see this? You see this. Lineface.]

So I just got linked to a cover of "My Heart Will Go On" while writing this...

[oathtotheking]

Mm.

[It's a skill he's improved upon only under the best tutelage; after all, behaving as himself before the masses (or more importantly Nunnally) would only shatter the illusion they created at the end of it all. And the only way to avoid this getting any worse would... possibly be for them to part ways.

Su--Zero isn't willing to let that happen just yet, unwilling to give into that sort of weakness--what else would it be? They just need to keep breathing so nothing sets and therefore can't be broken.]

The current arrangement of things is preferable.

seriously

[oathtotheking]

...Lelouch.

[Oh, it is. Terribly so, but not in a way that would spark aggression. Just the knitting of brows and a scowl drawn to one side. The nice thing is that it's also distraction from the tension, if only somewhat. A small degree, enough to grant him the room to breathe freely for the moment.]

That I'll not be going anywhere at this point in time.

[And the more awkward for him, but left unspoken continuation that makes his chest seize uncomfortably? That Lelouch is free to follow him or seek him out.]

I do, too. I just. ajsdklf And OVER AND OVER ON THE RADIO fffff

[oathtotheking]

[Effectively. And no, Lelouch; don't laugh. He's tried so hard to push all of that aside, to accept both their deaths and continue on--for how long, he doesn't know. How does Geass affect the body? Does it? Or is it only the mind? They found something in the end. It isn't wise to try to bring that forth again. Not with this knot in his chest and needing to force himself to remain in place, establishing a barrier between them lest he break... Always more emotional, even as he buries Suzaku beneath the name he now carries.

Why should nothing desire? It should desire nothing, but perhaps that in itself is the very problem. The knight longs for the friendship he'd only just regained with his emperor... but they are nothing.

In him, there is only Zero.

But it's so hard to breathe.]

Easy enough.

[The mask only helps so much, Lelouch.]

THAT IS HOW I KNOW YOU GOOOO OOOOOOOOOOON

[oathtotheking]

[He sees that, but decides against paying it much mind. It's difficult. All of this is. The problem is that Zero is Suzaku is that boy who remembers how these exchanges once went. Even if Lelouch pretends, there are those memories... and they're hard to ignore, sometimes. Especially after spending so much time utterly alone. He wants to be able to maintain this, being Zero and shouldering this weight and his punishment, but there's still a human selfishness here. And though it could be alright here, he doesn't... want to give up like that. Even if being Zero is, in a way, giving up.

He nods, stealing himself once more. Is it selfish to want to seek him out now? Of course it is. But there's a tell-tale tension that runs through him, the way it always did when Suzaku wasn't sure whether or not he wants to ask something. After all, Zero needs to set his head on straight before daring. Lelouch... probably does too, given the employed tactic.]

ruined forever--

[oathtotheking]

[Always quick to pick up on these things, Lelouch. Behind the safety of the mask, Zero's gaze darts here and there, and Suzaku finally lifts his eyes to Lelouch's shoulder. Lips quirk in a forced smile behind tempered glass and black cloth. Zero adjusts his posture. He can't answer to that name, Lelouch. Even if he's prepared to (because you can't erase 18 years), he shouldn't. He has this that he's accepted and that he needs to keep to, but--]

You're probably right.

[--it's Lelouch, and it isn't as though Lelouch doesn't know. They'd discussed it all. And maybe there's a hint of Suzaku's old mirth quietly tucked away in those words.]

But now might be inappropriate.

[Zero, once more.]

but bb i like your soul--

[oathtotheking]

Of course not.

[Mirth behind the mask again, and ever so faintly, Zero tips his head to one side; a gesture not unusual from a lifetime ago. But they should move beyond this point lest it bring someone to their knees. Think of something else, or anything but the past; Zero's doomed to crash sometime facing Lelouch, but he does his best to remain steeled for now. He can't succumb already. They both need to re-learn how to speak to each other, though...

Cutting it short here might be for the best. A need to distance and regroup and gather all the pieces that have slowly started scattering. But Suzaku wants to reach out, grab Lelouch and haul him in just to know if they're really having this conversation.

Zero can't have that. He swallows the urge, fights it down and holds it there with black gloves, praying it stops thrashing about.]

Yes.

[It's a bitter feeling, but Zero forces himself to accept it. After all, this isn't something he does because he enjoys it.]

oops-- YOU HAVE COME TO SHOW YOU GOOOO OOOOOOOOOOON

[oathtotheking]

[He'd needed to clean it, but it had been a while before he could. He couldn't get all of it, either, but he'd never found the heart to try to fix that later. There had been no speeches; he wouldn't have known what to say, not as good with placating or encouraging words as Lelouch or his siblings.

It had taken more effort than the then-newly dubbed Zero would like to admit to not catch Lelouch before he tumbled down the ramp. To not rush to Nunnally's side.

And it takes more effort than he'd like to admit now as Lelouch tries to keep himself together, and Su--Zero knows that tell-tale prickling at the corners of his eyes. It isn't the first time this conversation that he's thankful for the mask.]

Then...

pain and suffering?

[oathtotheking]

[Zero doesn't flinch at the tone, but that means little. He's just as on edge, knows how Lelouch gets when he doesn't have everything under control. It's torture, being like this, but all the same Zero is thankful to know that it's even possible. Even if he knows it could be defying his punishment to seek anything out as Suzaku, he can't really help this. Lelouch is...

Ah, leaving. But that step makes his heart lurch, and he can't stop the step forward. It's too unexpected, too sudden; strange that it should be, considering their conversation, but it is. Because the last time he'd seen that, been standing at a similar angle (though nearer than this), there had been blood on this mask and Nunnally had screamed, and Lelouch had left them.

When Zero speaks up, his voice is thick, and really it's hardly Zero there.]

You know where to find me.

[Come at your leisure, because I won't force you. The invitation is open.]

All of the pain and all of the suffering /o/

[oathtotheking]

[Zero is a symbol, not a person; he won't be the one to break, either.

Not here, anyway.

And Suzaku can only hope Lelouch will come, even though it's really more than just ill-advised. Zero would be wary, strive to keep his barriers up. Not to keep Lelouch out, but to keep himself in.

They'd see how this would go.

He says nothing as Lelouch leaves, but he's sure as much is expected.]