Shaky voicetest...

[combustible_lemons]

Greetings Astronauts, War Heroes, and Olympians, I'm Cave Johnson, and this is ~

Wait. This isn't the booth I assigned myself for all of these pre-recorded messages. Is this thing on? Hello?

Well then. Whoever is listening, and my bean counters should be aware of this, it looks like I may have stumbled upon a fourth dimension, so if I happen to see another handsome devil appropriately named Cave Johnson, I'm asking myself ahead of time to not be offended when I refuse to make eye contact so as to not wipe out time as we know it. I'm sure I'll understand.

You'll thank me later.

Comments

[youvegotsuckersluck]

And every day when I look into the noise and listen to the images of madness creeping in all around me I scream without a sound and the echos I hear back are of a dead man who's legacy lives on in plastic and steel and bullets and goop.

[nopeerreview]

Mr. Johnson, sir?

[combustible_lemons]

You there. Crazy. Yeah you. I see you are wearing an authentic replica of our Aperture Science lab coats. If you would please kindly take that off and replace it back on the hook to your right science will thank you for your lack of contribution.

[combustible_lemons]

Caroline, there you are. I knew this place couldn't exist without the woman married to science itself.

[youvegotsuckersluck]

I...lack of?

No...no I have contributed, because I found her, and brought her out. I went back, I had to you see? You have to understand it's my fault! I mean it's mostly your fault, and science, but my fault too. We are all sinners in the eyes of science and our punishment boarders on biblical.

[combustible_lemons]

Yep. No idea what you're talking about. But you look like you'd be a perfect test subject! You've been rummaging around in dirt and sticks, right? There must be a test chamber around here somewhere, just follow the purple line to your destination.

[mutelunatic]

[LMAO SHIT IT'S THIS ASSHOLE

i mean.

uh.

yeah you're just getting a stare because that's all she's capable of.]

[combustible_lemons]

No one contributed to science looking like that, little lady. Move along, now.

[youvegotsuckersluck]

TESTS!

No! Nnononono, I've kept away long enough, too long, never enough, I won't, can't wouldn't couldn't. I've earned my freedom time and time again. Being careful, being clever, being quiet.

I need my cube.

[mutelunatic]

[a blink. followed by a frown and she crosses her arms.

to hell with your science man she is sick of scientific shenanigans. and she contributed to science plenty she's probably festering with cancers from all those gels you had leaking around the facility.

and no she will not move along. she's stubborn and whatnot.]

[combustible_lemons]

Tests, yes that's what they're called. Test. Chambers. In Aperture Science.

Weighted Companion Cubes offered free of charge*.

*Weighted Companion Cubes are only offered after you sign the Aperture Science contract indicating your willingness to later incinerate said Weighted Companion Cube.

[nopeerreview]

It could stand to try to, sir. Abandoning imported subjects isn't only bad science. It's just lazy.

[youvegotsuckersluck]

...

...

Do you listen to yourself when you speak? Or when your recordings speak?

*A dazzling moment of clarity in those insane frightened eyes*

[combustible_lemons]

Of course I do! I get to listen to myself speak in these pre-recorded messages just as much as you do, willing participant. I can't think of a better voice to listen to every morning before coffee and science.

[combustible_lemons]

I fully agree, as I should at all times. Be sure to let me know when you've found a way out of this place.

[combustible_lemons]

What is it, is that sixty dollars not a good enough incentive for you, olympian? There are compensation vouchers to your left.

[nopeerreview]

Highest priority, sir.

very nice

[moron]

Oh, hello there! Not entirely sure why I stopped to listen to your recording, or not-recording - unrecording - but I thought might as well comment here because my human over here is just sitting there, waiting for me to say something. So, hello! Welcome to the fourth dimension - actually that's time, isn't it? Nevermind that then, welcome to the fifth dimension! Unless that's time too, hold on, nevermind, let's just say welcome to... this place. Not quite sure where this place is but it seems as though we all have humans of some sort. Bit of a hindrance - no worries, though. Literally everyone has one so everyone else is just as hindered as you are, which is good. Keeps the playing field even.

you are a beautiful person

[combustible_lemons]

I think you may have just won the award for the most words spoken that mean absolutely nothing, little blue-eyed sphere. Congratulations! But no really, thank you, you've just given me the greatest idea for a new pre-recorded message as soon as I return to the Enrichment Center. And that will be as soon as my right-hand Caroline figures out just where here is so we can teleport the hell out of here.

as are you

[moron]

Always happy to help. Hold on, I know where you're talking about. Do you work there? That explains quite a lot, actually. Don't know who Caroline is, but my guess is you two were from before... You know, maybe this is the fourth dimension. How else - how else would we be able to meet? You from before... me from not from before... actually that would just be later rather than before, wouldn't it?

Anyway! How's your right hand - oh, sorry, how's Caroline doing by the way? Can't imagine your hand, Caroline, that is, would do very well down there, especially not if you're relying on her - your hand, I mean - to find you a way out of here to get back. I can't help but imagine she'd, well, get severed or shot at or covered in gel of some sort or something. And don't worry, I'm not judging! If you want to talk to your hand and name it that is completely up to you and I am not judging in any way.

Re: as are you

[combustible_lemons]

Work there? HAH. You, spherical being, are talking to none other than the CEO of Aperture Science! One and only. Practically godlike, if you need a proper description. And Caroline is my lovely assistant, devoted entirely to science. No pesky men - or women - getting in the way of scientific enlightenment.

Now just what are you blabbering about, she's not my literal right hand, moron, she's my assistant! Practically co-CEO of Aperture. Get your memos right.

[moron]

Right. Right, I knew that. Was just joking, mate, you know, to lighten up the atmosphere. But, well, if you're the CEO, then you're... sort of like my father, in a way. Grandfather, maybe. Great great great great great grandfather. Well, however far back there you are, you are certainly the greatest, ha ha.

(you should go to abax, ftr. would be awesome)

[combustible_lemons]

I don't recall having any illegitimate mechanical children in my future, because I'm pretty sure that's scientifically impossible. But good save there with the 'greatest', it's always appreciated.

(dunno if i can fit anymore games into my schedule, unfortunately. just apped this guy to caligo)

[moron]

Haha, thank you, you're welcome. Not entirely sure which one of those is more appropriate at this point, but uh, well, moving on. I guess this is the part where I say surprise! I'm a product of your company! Your people built me in a far off future a long time after yours I suspect.

[youvegotsuckersluck]

I just need some silence, need the voices to be quiet for just a minute, I need...I need my cube. And some paint.

[vance_prime]

...oh, for fuck's sake. Not you.