dear_mun | Angels take Manhattan...

[ Dr. Song, it is horrible to lose a friend. Perhaps your sorrow will be best spent elsewhere...or rather, elseWHEN. ]

Please do. Take care of him, that is.

[ He could almost cling to you, River. But, see, he's trying to keep his composure. ]

Stupid Amy and Rory.

I wouldn't mind the endings near as much if they weren't always invariably caused by my own stupidity. I've had 1200 years to come to terms with the fact that normal death is just part of life, even for Time Lords.

[Someone's been letting his own sorrow take his thoughts to a rather bad place, and doesn't have the energy to hide it right now.]

I assure you. I can take a few slaps here and there. [He is, after all, the one who purposely does things to get them half of the time. At least a slap means you're there to give it, and still care enough to do that instead of just leaving.]

[No thanks. River Song time travels enough as it is]

Someone needs to, am I right?

You can't fault them for wanting to be together, Doctor. Would you do any less for me? Or would you think I'd do any less for you?

I don't think you'll ever come to terms with the fact that every story needs an ending. Every companion has to stop running at some point.

[River Song feels for him. She's also taking Rory and Amy's death hard, but not nearly as hard as he took it]

Good, but I'll probably be slapping you a good many more times in your future if you keep wasting your regenerative energy. I didn't give up all my future regenerations so you could waste it.

I'm not faulting them. I knew it would happen. I just...

[ He pinches the bridge of his nose. He won't cry, he won't. ]

It's not right. Not like that.

[River Song drops a comforting hand over his shoulder. She hated seeing him so broken up about this. It was hard for her too, after all they were her friends as well as her parents]

They got to live out their lives. Granted it wasn't the way they expected to, but....at least they got that much.

[ There's a grimace that looks like an attempted smile as he leans into that hand, placing his own over it. ]

Right. I know. I do know that.

[ But it's not all that much help. At least they're not dead, in a way, he keeps telling himself, but it still hurts so much. ]

Edited 2012-09-30 15:03 (UTC)

[River settles next to him, sitting close enough that she could rest her head on his shoulder. It was comforting to be this close to him and for once she wasn't going to tease him. He'd been through enough]

They were my parents, Doctor. I grew up alongside them, as odd as it may seem. I may even have been responsible for that little 'nudge' that got them together in the first place.

[She smiles at that little memory]

Had to ensure I'd be born, didn't I? Anyway, all Amy ever talked about was her Raggedy Doctor. I know it hurts because you can't see them again...

[ It's comforting for him too. Not enough, but it is something, and he turns his head to press a kiss to her hair. Of course it affects her too, even if she encouraged Amy.

She's less selfish than him, it appears. ]

Of course you were.

[ Sounds like something she would do. Honestly, playing with time like that... ]

It hurts you too.

[Of course it hurts her too. It's a loss that can never be replaced, but there's still a margin of hope for her]

I have a chance at seeing her again in your past, my future. Not sure if it'll happen, but it seems likely. I won't lie, it definitely hurts. I never knew what having a parent was like until I found them. Amy always...always tried to look out for me. I was always in trouble and she was always there to help bail me out.

Even if she didn't know it at the time, she was my mother in most ways.

[ Right. Timelines out of synch. There's anger and something like resentment flaring up at that, but he stifles it because it's pointless and none of this is any of River's fault. ]

I'm sorry.

[ He will never forgive himself for being the reason they were robbed of their chance of being a real, proper family.

But they did at least get something. ]

Doctor. Fixed points in time. Demon's run was fated to happen.

[She knew he still felt so very guilty about letting little Melody slip through his fingers]

And just think about it. It all worked out alright on my end. We have each other. It would have been terribly awkward if you'd actually watched me grow up or changed a diaper.

[She places a small kiss over his cheek. Her hands seeking his, squeezing gently]

Just like this....Amy and Rory, it became a fixed point. One chapter of your life has closed, but just think of it this way - another will soon open.

Fated to happen because of me. Over and over.

[ It being a fixed point doesn't make matters better. He would almost have had to... not exist for...

Too messy. ]

I am glad I have you. Met you. It's odd enough that I saw you as a baby. But you deserve a full life together, all three of you, and because of me that can't... happen.

[ Sorry, River, the guilt just can't be killed. ]

[She'd expected as much, so she didn't press or argue against him. Instead she simply settles next to him, still resting her head on his shoulder]

If not for you, Amy might not have ever had me. Or I wouldn't have been who I am now. You can't beat yourself up about these things. Amy made her choice.

[Her eyes shut tightly, fighting against tears that threatened to fall]

I should have tried harder to break free of that angel without breaking my wrist. Maybe then the chain of events might have been broken. Then....then we could have gone to that pub and had a marvelous time.

[She tries to smile]

I've always wanted to see if a true Time Lord could get drunk as a skunk. Rory would have thrown darts. Amy would have instigated a chugging contest.... I can see it clear as day. An alternate time line that never happened.

Edited 2012-09-30 16:49 (UTC)

[ They can both try, then. Logically, he knows that the "what if"s are useless to think about but he... really can't help himself. ]

Oh, it probably did happen. Somewhere out there in a parallel universe me, you and the Ponds are having a marvelous time.

But I dunno about the drinking, on my part. The taste of alcohol. Eh.

[River can't help but laugh, even if it sounds a bit weak and strained]

That's why I would have beaten you at the contest. I'm a Pond, Doctor. I can chug with the best of them.

[She seemed a tiny bit proud of that achievement]

Is this what I've always struggled to understand? The curse of the Time Lords? We see so much. You more then me, but sometimes I....I suppose I see would could have been. What might have been. What should have been.

All possible timelines. Yes.

[ He slips an arm around her waist, settles in properly. ]

Somewhere, ours might even be lining up.

Edited 2012-09-30 17:18 (UTC)

[River's laughter is bitter this time. Perhaps even poisoned with disbelief]

Oh no, Doctor, we're fated to be topsy turvy, if not complete opposites. There might, however, be just one tiny moment where our time lines sink up.....I suppose it's bound to happened, if it hasn't already happen.

[She pats his hand]

I've gotten used to it though. After the pardon, which was a complete surprise mind you.

Edited 2012-09-30 17:22 (UTC)

[ He'll snatch that hand of hers, then. ]

I have my ways.

[She seeks out his hand because....their connection shouldn't end so abruptly]

Doctor....

[She doesn't know where to begin. She's too tired for an argument, too tired to even slap him at this point]

Just stay here, alright? Close to me. I'll travel with you as long as I can. But we both know...we're best in small doses my love.

[ No arguments or slaps needed. He sighs and presses his cheek against her hair. It makes a nice pillow, really. ]

I know. I'm not going anywhere.

[That's what River's wild blonde mane of curls seemed to be made for. His comfort]

Then I'm content to be by your side. At least until you drop me back off at Storm Cage. So boring, that place.

[ Well, it also fits her very soul, pretty much. ]

You'll find something.

I always do. You've never allowed me to become very bored, I'll say that much.

Just returning the favour.

[Another kiss to his cheek. She knows, oh god how she knows, he's going through hell right now]

You still have me, Doctor. And whatever companion you choose next. I don't care how young or beautiful she is.

[Her smile turns coy]

Just make sure she isn't a ginger or has curls.

[Oh come on. River has to tease him eventually. She just hoped he was in the right mood for it]

[ Indeed. It was only a matter of time. He can actually go along with it. Even if he still looks pained. ]

Afraid you'll feel threatened?

Doctor, time itself had to nearly end before I got you to the alter. I'm hardly the jealous type.

[She kisses the tip of his nose, just for show]

But just in case...I wouldn't press your luck.

[ Then he'll kiss her lips, mostly to upstage that. ]

But I love pressing my luck.

If I were you, I wouldn't press your luck too hard.

[She nudges his ribs gently, play fully]

Don't forget, I can still take up my mother's habits and slap you silly every time you get out of line.

[ He shakes his index finger at her. ]

Actually, I'm pretty sure that slapping me thing is all you.

Not entirely. I blame it on my mother.

[She sticks her tongue out at him playfully]

Just stop using up your regenerative energy and putting me though hell, we should be just fine.

[ He gives the biggest grimace in reply. ]

You did it first.

Of course I did. I also nearly killed you.

Yes, but-- What does that have to do with anything?

It means you don't always have to repeat what I do.

Pth--

[ Yeah, that was just a noise.

Goddamn it? ]

[He sighs heavily, his head shaking, lowering his eyes.]

Oh, River. It's not that I can't handle it. I've seen more deaths then can be counted, natural and otherwise. The natural isn't the trouble. It's sad, but...not like the others. Notnlike the ones I've caused. And I've caused so many. [His voice cracks softly despite himself, damnit all.] I know people can't stay with me forever. I miss them, each and every one of them. But it's not until they leave because staying with me got them killed or destroyed their lives that it breaks my hearts.

[When he looks back up, there's rage underneath the pain in his eyes, but it's not directed at her.]

I've ruined so many lives. Donna, Adric, your parents. Entire worlds, entire species! My own species. Those are the endings I can never come to terms with...

[And then she's scolding again, and his thin control cracks just a little. His face screws itself into a grimace before he's pulling her into a hug and holding her tight.]

I'm so sorry, River. Your entire life...everything you've ever known has been a ruin because of me! You desserve so much better then to have our entire existence wrecked because of this daft old man!

You only seem to take into account the lives you think you destroyed. What about the thousands and millions of lives you've saved? How many times have you saved Earth or some other planet from being blasted off the face of the universe?

[River felt like it was her job to fix this. A broken Doctor was never a good thing. It's why Amy was right, he couldn't be on his own. For now, he had her, but eventually River would have to withdraw from him. Things became too intense when they traveled together for too long]

I know for a fact Amy and Rory, if given a choice to stop traveling with you and live out their lives in natural order or go back to traveling with you - they'd choose you every time.

[His hug was a bit startling. He wasn't normally the affectionate type unless he was extremely pleased or excited about something. Her arms came around him in return, her head dropping onto his shoulder for a moment or two. Just allowing the two of them to breath in unity for now]

Hey, I'm married to that daft old man. Don't ever think I regret a single part of our time together. Demon's run, Hitler, everything....

Yes, but River! How many of those thousands and millions of lives were in danger only because trouble followed me??? How many times has humanity been in danger because I was there, or because evil knows the best way to get to me is through them?

[The traveling alone is the hardest part. Isolation from other people always leaves him so lonely, leaves his thoughts to wander and reflect on all of the bad instead of marveling at all of the good, and it always ends with him turning inward and focusing so strongly on all of those dark, rotten, festering parts of himself that only he sees.

He knows it. He's smart enough and old enough to know what depression is. But knowing and being able to get better from it are two entirely different things.]

They would ha-...[And his face screws itself into a snarl.] They did follow me to their deaths! All because I was too foolish to know it was time I let them go! I should have let them live the lives they deserved! Just like Susan, just like so many others! But I didn't, and I dragged them along to their deaths like the pied piper.

[And he has no proper answer that satisfies the dark voices in his head for the happiness she claims to have felt for all their misadventures together, so he just shakes his head, burying his face in her shoulder and letting out a soft whimper, something that tries to jot be a sob. Her happiness just doesn't make sense in his head and he doesn't know how to feel about someone taking so much joy because of him, knowing what she does.]

Angels take Manhattan...

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alright, I wibbled...

Bawhaha yeah, I did, too! TTuTT And ARGARBLE LATE TAG! D8