Regarding the latest issue of Winter Soldier...

[a_survivor]

... no. I don't have anything to say to you. Even with foreknowledge you have gathered - not anything.

Comments

[theassassin]

Do we even want to know?

[a_survivor]

Most likely not, no. It's incredibly cruel to - the other you.

[theassassin]

. . . Mun has it and has been debating over whether she wants to read it today, since the young ones are home and she is distracted.

Now, she wants to know and I'm telling her it's best to wait until she can devote her full attention to it...

[a_survivor]

It won't be easy, either way. And there is a lot of blood shed - if the little ones ought to be considered.

There are parts that are good, and parts that are beautiful and hurt all the more for being lost.

[theassassin]

Sadly the woman lacks any self control and has now put on a movie for the little ones so that she can catch up.

This should be interesting.

[a_survivor]

I'm here. In case you need to vent.

[theassassin]

I will return shortly, she is behind the last two. Thank you.

[a_survivor]

*winces, and just... waits.*

[theassassin]

Oh...Jasper. [Sigh]

[like_a_gerbil]

[His mundane's heard that something...interesting happens but none of her friends have told her what exactly it was.]

You going to be okay, Buck?

[a_survivor]

*reaches to place a hand on her shoulder.* That wasn't you.

*...like that ever works on him. But it makes more sense with what he's seen.*

[theassassin]

. . .

Well... That's hardly fair.

[a_survivor]

No. No, it's not. It'll get better, but it really isn't.

[a_survivor]

It's not about me, Steve.

And you're there to help.

[theassassin]

Of all the things to take... I'm sure it'll get better eventually, but that doesn't make it any less painful, especially to know there's this to look forward too.

And Sitwell, he didn't deserve... He was a brave man, at the very least he died like one. [Not that it makes her feel any less guilty, but it's something to hold on to.]

[a_survivor]

It's not an attack on you, it never was. Which makes all that Novokov did all the crueler. She *thumb over shoulder* thought it might be good for either of us to blow the man's brain out, but I'd settle for Logan's claws. Or even Clint's arrow.

It wasn't you, Natalia. *and he shouldn't have left her alone with them. It's on him, too. He should have known it won't be that easy, but he wanted to believe.*

[theassassin]

Somehow...that is just the problem. As long as there is me, there will always be a way to make get to you. It's not as though we didn't know that Novokov was cruel, it's the depth of just how cruel, I think we misjudged.

I don't have a problem at all with any one of those outcomes, though at this point mine thinks it should be left to one of us or the other, just for... revenge purposes.

It wasn't. But it was, James. It was me, as I was.. It was what I was, and therefore a part of me. [She appreciated that you're trying though. She doesn't blame you for leaving her there, not at all. They would have done it anyway if they had known, they just would have done it differently.]

[a_survivor]

Shh. *finger on her lips.* We won't let it happen again. I... when this is over, when you can make your own decisions, you're free to stay or go as you choose. But I won't let you go because somebody, some day, might get to me through you. *they've lost too much time already. And he will be much, much more careful, in the future.*

I would let you do the honors. Unless my doing it gets to free you faster.

*sighs, eyes hooded. He knows exactly what she's saying, and then some.* Wish there was some way to make him understand the kind of mindset it takes to do what Jasper did, jump in front of a bullet, before he dies. And how he never could be that kind of a person. It wouldn't be enough, not even a little, but... *death? Way too easy for that man.*

[theassassin]

[She shakes her head gently behind the finger. Isn't that the point though? Having to spend the rest of their time together, always being careful and watching out. She doesn't want that for him, anymore than he wanted her to be part of this.]

Which ever way, it should be us. Letting one of the others get him seems too easy for him. [Unless, it's Logan. She might get on board for Logan shredding him...slowly.]

He doesn't have any honor. Not more than what he perceives as honor, but it's nothing more than a suggestion he's been programmed to feel. Honor is jumping in front of a bullet for a teammate, Jasper didn't do that for Fury, he did that for me. That is something Novokov will never understand. I think that is what bothers me the most.

[a_survivor]

*it's not like they haven't been borderline paranoid as it is; they'd just need go all the way. Both of them have lived in such a state over extended periods of time, anyway. For now, Bucky just brushes his knuckles up her cheek gently.*

My thought exactly. But if the choice is that or let him get away, Clint can shoot him. Yes?

*nods* Exactly. Which is why actually understanding it would make a difference - a rather cruel one - I think.

[theassassin]

[Fine, they'll just go all the way. It's not as easy to argue when he's being so tender.]

Yes. Clint can shoot him.

I think so too. If he wasn't such a hateful misguided bastard, I could almost feel sorry for Novokov, and the fact that he won't know what it's like to have a team willing to be there for him, no matter the consequences.

[a_survivor]

*like there is a way for him not to be tender, just now?*

Exactly.

He burned away what little sympathy I was left with after training him and learning how he woke up when decided it was a bright idea to toy with you. Though I suppose the Bucky he killed went a long way to doing away with that, too.

[theassassin]

[No, I suppose there isn't.]

Then that's settled.

I wouldn't expect that the guy who messed with me would ever garner much sympathy from you anyway.

[a_survivor]

No. *quietly.* None at all.

[theassassin]

[Funny how that's actually something she considers sweet and romantic about him, the fact that he's willing to kill someone for hurting her. Or at least, make them suffer depending on the degree of offense. She'd do the same. Fucked up, formerly brainwashed assassins have such interesting and kind of screwed up adorable relationships.

She smiles, stretching up on her toes to drop a kiss to the corner of his lips.]

/with the wrong account AND forever late, but.

[cold_shoulder]

*and his arms wrap about her, one lightly and the other warm, close, and he kisses back.*

You will be your own again, Natalia. This, I promise.

[theassassin]

The cost... At the cost it might be better if I'm not.

[cold_shoulder]

No... *finger stroking the delicate curve of her cheek, then hooks under her chin and tips her head up, gently.*

No, beautiful. Nobody deserves to live captive in her own mind, and you've earned the cost of your freedom over and over, for decades.

And then there is the consideration of the cost if you stay as you are under his conditioning.

*he is sorry to bring that one up... and, yet. It is a solid argument, in his eyes.*

[theassassin]

[But that's what she's saying. Coming back to find out what she's done... after how hard she fought to get passed those things from her past?

Decades of fighting to make up for the terrible acts she'd committed while under their control, only to end up back there again, or at least partly.]

How many decades of redemption will it take to wash away the blood from this time?

[She looks up at him, head tilting into his touch.]

Ending my life will solve that problem as well.

[An option in her mind, possibly one of the only ones if things get much worse.]

[cold_shoulder]

No. It won't solve any problem. Please, Nat.

*also the cover for an issue in the not so distant future shows them side by side again, so it won't be much worse?*

It never works quite like that, because lives are not interchangeable. But... as long as you are saving people, there is hope.

[theassassin]

It will. You can't let your feelings for me cloud your judgement, it makes you sloppy and vulnerable.

[This might be fine, unless of course he's been brainwashed, and now they have teamed up again under Leonid's control.

She's sorry, but she's dangerous, saving lives doesn't change the ones she's taken/will take.. ]

[cold_shoulder]

*...it's complicated.*

Natalia. There are two people in my ninety years or so of life who I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, are worth saving. No matter what the cost. You are very definitely one of them. You are more than what he's done to you, more than he deserves - more than I do, even, but at least I'm aware of that and try to catch up. Anyway...

If that is the choice that needs to be made, even, I promise to give you back to yourself enough that you can make it. And if that's what you choose, knowing all there is to know? Then I'd do it.

[theassassin]

[Of course it's complicated. It always is isn't it?]

You give me too much. Is it wrong that I'm afraid that it might end up casing you harm? After Jasper, and everything else, do you think that I would want to come back if anything happened to you because of this?

[a_survivor]

I can take care of myself. Even when it looks not to be the case.

*beat.*

Besides... I know that my partner will be by my side if I truly need her.

[theassassin]

Of course you can, James.

You can't depend on that. You know as well as I do, that if he can he will use me against you. He will use us against each other.

[a_survivor]

Bullshit. He is not stronger than you. That, I know. And you'll know before this is over, too.

He'll try. He's not the first one who's tried, either. It means nothing.

[theassassin]

James... [She sighs.] You want me bad so badly, you are risking too much. [But if she were in the your shoes? She would probably do the same thing.] Doing what he wanted? Programming yourself... going after Matt. When does it stop?

[a_survivor]

*slow nod.* Before it's gone too far.

*a sad, small smile crinkles the corners of his eyes* Trust me.

[theassassin]

I do trust you, but I think this? This is too far, James.

[a_survivor]

*small sigh.*

Not after I figured out what his game is. And we'll keep it that way. But we must get him good, and get you back, and I'm not going to let those who programmed you this way lay hands on you again. *quietly.* Ever.

And that means going in as deep as necessary.

[theassassin]

James. Our friends? He's turned us both against them. Before they had you to protect them from me, and now... I just worry that you're in too deep, but I trust your judgment.

[a_survivor]

He thinks he has.

*deep breath, then small sigh.* Thank you. I won't let you down.

[theassassin]

I know. I'm sure she knows too, deep down in there somewhere, she knows.