canon: the lorax (tumblr askblog au)

[swagler]

Do you even know what you're doing right now? Seriously! You've gotta be freakin' kidding; you actually think you can play me?

[ This is some ludicrous fuckery right here. And boy I mean ludicrous. ]

Whatever! Just try. It probably'll hurt less if you find out the hard way. Told you dumb babies should just stay stupid~

Comments

[notelizabeth]

Um, who are you?

[swagler]

Swag! Who're you?

[notelizabeth]

Sissi Delmas. And I don't know who you are, "Swag", so I just don't buy that it should be so hard for a Mun to play you.

[swagler]

Nice name, chica. And trust me, it is hard. Plus, munnie here ain't a Katy Perry fan, so fuck if I know how she'll be able to reference all her songs.

[notelizabeth]

Kate Perry? I don't get it.....

[swagler]

She's this goddess you've never heard of.

[notelizabeth]

Please! The only goddess I care about....is me!

[truffulacide]

Wow. You must have a really hard time walking.

[wait for it, wait for it...]

[swagler]

...I don't get it.

[ WAITING...... ]

[truffulacide]

The stick up your butt. It makes walking a real pain, right?

1/2

[swagler]

[ WHAT'S A MOB TO A KING?

WHAT'S A KING TO A GOD?

WHAT'S A GOD TO A NON-BELIEVER? ]

[swagler]

I don't see what the big deal is. I'd just blow it out my ass!

1/2

[truffulacide]

[what in the name of god is going on.....]

2/2

[truffulacide]

[okay screw it this is just too funny. excuse him while he doubles over laughing.]

Oh my gosh, this is really happening, isn't it? This is real. You're a real thing.

gomen, oncie

[swagler]

Of course I'm real! I don't suppose you're some freakishly tall combination of Bitter and One, are you?

[truffulacide]

Are you getting your numbers and flavors mixed up? Come on, you know me. You're like a tiny, preppier kid me. That's the joke, right?

[because this is one big joke, clearly. the Once-ler: the universe's cosmic chewtoy.]

Besides, I'm not bitter. I'd actually like to think I'm more pepperminty than anything. Mint chocolate chip at best.

[swagler]

A tinier, preppier kid you? [ that wording is atrocious. ] How about you're a taller, leaner adult me?

Hey, I wasn't calling you bitter, dude! You're not Bitter, anyhow. He's bitter. And you're not. [ ....wait.... ]

Clearly you're confusing yourself more than necessary. You can call me Swag.

[truffulacide]

That's no good. See, I remember what it was like to be a kid. I was nothing like you; I didn't even like sweater vests.

[Oncelerception.] Well, he sounds like a fun guy.

What the heck kind of name is Swag?

[swagler]

That's actually good to hear! Means I won't grow into the likes of you.

It's the best name. I've got people hounding on my dick wishing they'd been bless with a name like mine. It's also extremely accurate~

Unlike whatever yours is, am I right?

[truffulacide]

Normally I'd say that's a good thing, but in your case, it's kinda sad. You'll probably grow up to be even worse. [and that's saying something.]

It sounds stupid. Pretty sure you're making all of that up.

[boltstrike]

Why shouldn't they try?

[swagler]

You must be new here.

[ Whoop. ]

[boltstrike]

I am, but I don't see what that has to do with anything.

[swagler]

Trying ends in failure, like a good percentage of the time or whatever.

[boltstrike]

That's not true at all.

[swagler]

Got some other perspective you'd like to share with the class?

[boltstrike]

Yeah. Trying's the only way you can get anywhere, and I think it does usually work out. Even if it doesn't, you get stronger from trying.

[swagler]

You're a very inspiration girl, you know. Ha! You should be a school counselor.

[boltstrike]

I have other plans, actually.

[swagler]

Prying ain't my thing~ if you want to share that with the class, let me know.

[boltstrike]

Just not sure I should bother telling you.

[swagler]

Am I not good enough? Please!

[boltstrike]

You're rude. But I think you know that.

[swagler]

Everyone's a big 'ol bag of mean, somewhere deep down, sweetie.

[boltstrike]

Ugh, that's just not true!

[swagler]

Let me guess, you're a saint?

[boltstrike]

Of course not. Everyone messes up, but that doesn't make them mean people.

[swagler]

Whatever! All I know is you and I both have two very different point of views.

I'm not changing for anyone, not even a babe like you~

[boltstrike]

I didn't ask you to.

[She wants him to, though. It's hard for her to deal with other points of view sometimes. And she's nosy.]

[heartisabattleground]

Hey, that's enough. Don't be a jerk to your mun.

[swagler]

I wouldn't call it being a jerk. Just being me.

[heartisabattleground]

Than you are a jerk.

[swagler]

Doesn't bother me.

[heartisabattleground]

Sure it bothers a lot of other people though.

[swagler]

Then they can all line up on my front door and beg for me to be a better man.

Well? I'm waiting~

[heartisabattleground]

Forget it. I'm not going to beg you for anything. You're the one who's going to pay for it in the end.

[swagler]

With what?

[heartisabattleground]

You'll have to figure that out for yourself.

[swagler]

Thanks for the philosophy lesson, bud.