yes, this guy will be totally helpful.

[exterrorist]

Are you sure Xavier'll want me as an assistant? Never mind what I want, we all know that's not worth two shits in a bag. ... not that I'm objecting. Look, I — get it, a little bit. It's not the same at all but I saw him do it dozens of times, the — thing he does, the pitch, the sell, the strategic sacrifice. Gambit was right about selling me for a nickel. Fuck knows how he never quite got around to it. But whatever happened between them, that's different. I wouldn't want me around in his position. Maybe beggars can't be choosers, though.

Also, you could cut down on that "necessary bad judgment" commentary re: dating me. Nobody was making good decisions, all right? The point is that I make better decisions from now on.

Comments

[stillrussian]

An assistant? You never seemed the type.

[exterrorist]

I'm not. [Morose—] I just don't think Xavier should be left alone right now.

[stillrussian]

And you really think you're the person to judge what Xavier should and shouldn't be doing?

[exterrorist]

Who the fuck is "judging"? He wants an assistant, I'll offer, and he can say yes or no or go to hell person I don't even fucking know, the end.

[stillrussian]

I suppose he will.

It's been a while John.

[exterrorist]

Yeah, whatever. Has Bobby tripped over something and died yet?

[It doesn't really sound hateful. Just gruff.]

[stillrussian]

I know he misses you. For what it's worth.

[ He said in his slight Russia accent. It's easy to see Bobby brooding everytime John's name comes up.]

[exterrorist]

Seriously? You're gonna do this? Can't you just say "no, and he made an ice sculpture of sixty dicks yesterday"?

[stillrussian]

Well he freezed the pool area? That's almost the same thing.

...Do what. Exactly?

[exterrorist]

I think you'll find a frozen pool is not at all like sixty dicks. I mean, not that I know from personal experience. I'm just theorizing here.

[John's just going to ignore the rest because he's a jerk who hates explaining himself.]

I feel so bad that my Bobby account still is'nt on DW

[stillrussian]

Well it caused the same amount of problems. That's be be sure. Why sixty dicks though? That's an awful lot of them.

You're aware there such a thing as a phone right? You could call him?

Haha, aw.

[exterrorist]

Really, the same amount? He's losing his touch. Or maybe getting better.

No, I'm not actually allowed to contact any mutants. On account of being a former terrorist. You could tell him to quit e-mailing me cat videos. I can't fucking respond. Also, cat videos.

[stillrussian]

It's debatable. I'm not overly sure myself.

Oh no. I'm not passing on that message. He'll freeze my water pipes if I do. Also. He has so much fun with those videos. Let him have a little joy.

[exterrorist]

Well, then crush him in one fist. Fuck your pipes, SHIELD's IT people must think I'm some kind of loner with seventeen cats in my apartment.

[bobert]

It was made in your image, John! Why can't you just accept my love for you!

My gay love! For you!

[exterrorist]

Then why only sixty? Learn something about fucking romance, Drake.

[bobert]

One for every one of our forbidden embraces.

BOOM. ROMANCE.

[exterrorist]

Oh. I guess that's acceptable then. And then it melted slowly in the sun as a tragic reenactment of the end of our relationship?

[bobert]

But it lives on forever in my heart.

Check it out, I'm romantic as heck. I should be the one writing torric gothic romance novels.

[exterrorist]

I am not writing torrid gothic romance novels!















Anymore.

[bobert]

Oh really? I don't believe it. What's your pseudonym now, Chuck Jammer? Buck Nastee? Harley Grip? Punch Beefsteak? Rip Hardpeck?

[exterrorist]

Nah, I'm ghostwriting for the Sweet Valley Twin series. They just rebooted it. I'm writing you into it. You get your head shoved in a toilet on page 3.

[bobert]

Don't bully me, Allerdyce. Don't cyberbully me. You may shove my head into all the imaginary toilets in the imaginary world, but you'll never swirlie my pride.

[exterrorist]

You're gonna go out with one of the twins but she dumps you when you accidentally grope her boob on the first date.

[bobert]

... actually that sounds pretty in-character. Have you been Twitter-stalking me? I had a dream about that once, and I totally told Twitter about it.

[bobert]

But thanks for getting me to first base, I guess.

[exterrorist]

Of course it's fucking in character, I'm an amazing writer, you asshole. And yeah, I know, it's not like you're getting there without my intervention.

[bobert]

That's why they pay you the big Sweet Valley bucks.

I have the perfect alibi, my high school girlfriend literally sucked your soul out if you tried.

Oh, and then there was Rogue. HEY-O!

[exterrorist]

Woah, how did Bobby get on fire when I didn't do it?

[The real reason why they can't hang out: because the need for slaps upside the head increases exponentially with each passing moment.]

[bobert]

Come on, John, the only time fire beats ice is in Pokemon. And Final Fantasy.

[bobert]

Excuse me, narrative aside! I don't brood. I'm more of a moper, really.

You're looking awfully CW, Piotr.

[stillrussian]

There's a difference?

I have no idea what you mean by CW Bobby.

[bobert]

Brooding is a hairy, manly antihero thing. That's Logan's territory. I'm more of a passive-aggressive Facebook update kind of guy.

They don't have that in Russia? But how do you catch up with the Vampire Diaries? Pop culture joke! Man, that's going to be dated in 10 years when we're all still inexplicably the same age.