[It doesn't bother him, not when bending down gets him the chance to feel his brother's warmth spread across his entire being. Fingers detach and rewind into new places like Edward's hip and side. He pulls only lightly enough to keep them together. The ruffle is practically ignored, he has bigger and better things to focus on. Like the way Ed's clothing feels in his fingertips and the way his neck smells differently from his chest.]
[ The slight tone of warning because he isn't sure if he can make that promise. Never knowing what the future might hold, never knowing when he might have to make a sacrifice again, he isn't sure he can keep his word. And it's not just the fear that he can't keep his promise that makes him pause. Al's fingers, moving again and exploring just a bit in ways he hadn't quite expected, catch him off guard. He tells himself it's due to Al's inability to touch for so long and with that in mind, he can't blame his brother. He has to resist his own urge to finally take in this boy before him, the boy he'd been willing to give up everything to recreate.
But he still can't make the kind of promise Al expects. Sighing, he drags a hand through his bangs before dropping it to Al's shoulder where his fingers pluck at the familiar red fabric. ]
[He doesn't like the way his name rolls off his brother's lips. There's something there beneath it, something he knows Ed is hiding, but can't quite put his fingers on it. Rolling his head off to the side, his darker colored eyes steal a brief glance up. It's always been like this though, with Ed doing what he thought was best, even if it was wrong.
He looks away as Ed finds the fabric of the coat, and his fingers and hands release. He pulls away, lifting a hand to adjust the coat on his shoulders possessively.]
[ A frown mars his face for a moment, and he regards the way Al tugs the cloth closer, protectively, possessively. He reluctantly lets go, suddenly feeling as if a gulf has formed between them and inwardly blames himself for it. Maybe if he had found some other way to restore Al... Maybe if he hadn't left his brother behind... Maybe if he'd bothered to ask a few more questions back then but he knows there wouldn't have been any time.
There are so many maybes.
His hand drops to his side and his ears flatten in an unwitting show of concern, frustration. Gloved fingers slip into his pockets. ]
You grew your hair like mine too.
[ Not an accusation. Merely a quiet acknowledgement. ]
[He says quietly, eyes drifting down to his gloved palms. Twisting them up he stretches his fingers out and to the tiny arrays he has drawn on his palms. After a moment of staring, he tilts them forward for Edward to see.]
... all of them without remembering you and our time spent together.
[ Taking his hands out of his pockets, he reaches out to take Al's hands, staring down at the arrays stitched into the cloth. The hair, the clothes, the gloves... It was as if Al had been following after him all along, and not just in search of finding him.
The laugh on his lips starts low and quiet, short and abrupt, but slowly growing and becoming louder. As he chuckles, he shakes his head, lips curling in something akin to an astonished smile. ]
Al, you really... You're really something, little brother.
[Ed's laughter doesn't really bring him any relief, but he's happen to see the smile and that makes some of his concern fade. The compliment brings his cheeks to redden and his head to nod slowly. There were a number of other feats he could talk about, but bragging was always Ed's specialty.]
They never really told me... I think the more I grew and the more I did things. I scared them. Especially, when I talked about the dreams. They kept me going you know. I knew you were out there.
I think we were always a little bit scary to everyone. Being what we are. 'Cause of what we did, what we could do. But fuck 'em.
[ He releases Al's hands to reach out and flick gently at his brother's bangs. He holds Al's gaze for a few seconds before smirking lightly again. He won't say it out loud, but he's proud of what his brother has become. ]
Well, when you start dressing, thinking, preforming alchemy like the Brother you've mostly forgotten about it ...
[He imagined it was probably worse on Winry. To watch him visit home looking the way he did. As soon as Ed's gaze shifts, his face turns away again. He felt so alone for the last three years, the thought that Ed didn't might not want him around was unsettling, even if he didn't quite understand what he was feeling yet.
With his tail flicking pensively and his dark blond ears lying flat atop his head he bends at the knees. Curling up, knees against chest and head atop his knees.]
I dreamed that you and I were together. We were in a city... sometimes we would work on these machines. I think they were called rockets. I coughed like Teacher sometimes.
[ As Al speaks, his breath is stolen away. The dreams his brother had... Through the eyes of a boy so very like him in appearance, so similar in demeanor, and at the same time, so completely different. He stares down at Al in front of him, as if looking at something altogether new. This beautiful boy before him... this beautiful brother he created by transmuting his entire self was so much more and it hurts because all this time he'd been seeking and seeking Alphonse. All this time, when he'd wake at night from the throes of a nightmare, calling out Al's name. All this fucking time, sharing a room with a boy who was not quite his brother... his brother was looking back at him.
If he hadn't stopped believing in god long ago, he'd curse "him" now.
Alfons... and Alphonse. He'd never known that through the sparkling, bright, and sometimes fever-lit blue eyes of his roommate, he was actually looking at his brother. If this was true, then what had Alfons seen? ]
Yeah. They always seemed so real... there were times I swear I could taste and feel...
[As he recalls his tail flickers, his hands idly shift over the fabric of his pants as he remains curled into himself. He never could have known that the person he was in his dreams was really another him, the him from a world where there was no alchemy and where he wasn't related to Edward.]
[ When he huffs another laugh, this time it's bitter sounding. His hands cover his face which he quickly scrubs, but the laughter grows a bit more. And then, abruptly, it stops. Digging the heels of his palms into his eyes, he rubs them quickly before tossing his head back and looking upward. His ears flatten against his scalp and he slowly shakes his head. ]
There... was a boy. On the other side of the Gate that I was living with.
[ No, he can't start there. ]
Y'see, everyone on our side of the Gate has a duplicate on the other. And he— Alfons—
[ The distinction in accent is different, highlighting their differences. ]
Alfons was yours. He's the one that helped me cross the Gate. Fuck, I can't believe that all this time...
[His eyes widen and his head snaps up swiftly as Ed begins to explain. He can hardly believe what he's hearing, but considering they've left Amestris behind and taken to a new world. Another him? A him that walked alongside Edward in this other world?
He stares in a mix of disbelief and shock, his stomach churns almost in a sickened matter. He's unsure... scared... he swallows down the lump in his throat, but it doesn't help it's far too dry and his stomach far too upset.
He had no idea.]
I ... I didn't know. Was he - ?
[His words fail him, he isn't even sure what he's asking now. Does he even want to know? More than that he wonders why he suddenly feels so afraid.]
[ A long sigh and he drops to his knees, reaching out to rest a hand on his brother's shoulder. Despite having grown a bit in height, he still looks young. All bright, wide eyes, but they're dimmed by shock and disbelief. He doesn't like that look on Al's face when his brother should be laughing, smiling, and brilliant like the sun in the afternoon.
He shakes his head swiftly, indicating that (as far as he knows) Alfons is fine. He has every reason to believe Alfons is, but he'd never really been given the chance to say goodbye. Alfons hadn't allowed that. ]
He's... I dunno. Last time I saw him was from inside a rocket. He knew he didn't have much time left, but—
[ The hand on Al's shoulder squeezes, perhaps a bit painfully and he doesn't notice, because if he did, he'd draw away immediately with an apology. ]
He knew I wanted to go home. To see you. The idiot didn't even give me a choice before he sent me off.
[His tail flicks, giving away his distress where his words do not. He's quiet as Ed begins to talk, his fingers still wound in fabric tugs here and there as he fidgets.
He considers what he's been told, what's happened, and his thoughts drift back to how Edward was going to leave him behind. His eyes roll shut for a moment.
Edward would've returned to this other world... he would have gone back and lived along side the boy that wasn't him.
The hand on his shoulder and the squeeze that follows drags him abruptly from his thoughts. Ears and tail twitch with pain as he looks upward in confusion.
At least Alfons sounds like him, able to make the decisions that Ed couldn't bring himself to. Though in the back of his mind he wonders if Ed was angry because he didn't have a choice in going or because he really wanted to stay.
He has to resist the urge to reach out, to tug Edward close, and by doing so his hand wrench more tightly on his pants.]
[ Sensing Al's distress (but not knowing what truly causes it), he shifts in hopes of catching Al's gaze. His fingers slowly release his brother's shoulder, hesitating in the air before he finally drops it to his side. And then, with a sigh, he speaks. ]
He's not you, Al. He— He never would be, even if you saw through his eyes.
[The lack of warmth and weight from Edward against his shoulder causes his tail to curl around his lower half as he curls a bit more forward. Edward's words are conflicting, based on Ed's initial explanation they were the same person, or at least mirrors of some kind. Two halves, connected on a metaphysical level. Not the same, but the same. Though he had dreamed and lived through Alfon's eyes, a lot of his time spent like any dream is in a haze. The clarity comes and goes, so it's hard to keep the question in. So he asks...]
Were you happy there?
[The question finally comes out after a pregnant pause. His voice rough from the lack of moisture in his throat and mouth. ]
[ Was he happy? What a loaded question. He thinks back on the time he'd spent in Munich, with their father, before he'd left for Romania. He thinks back on the time he'd first met Alfons and had been shocked by his similarity to Al. He thinks back on the blossoming idea to reach the stars and perhaps, that way, reach Al.
Had he been happy? He'd been chasing a dream too long to notice. ]
I don't know. [ A hand drags through his hair again. ] All I ever thought about was getting home. To make sure I didn't fail.
Seems like you must have enjoyed it, if you wanted to go back after finding out the truth.
[He feels his heart sink in his chest after speaking, ears flat and tail wound tightly reflect his inner turmoil and thoughts. All he can think about now is how rejected and crushed he had felt behind held back by Mustang's arms when Ed had told him to stay behind and close the gate on this side. He had tried everything he possible could, said everything he could've thought of, and still it didn't matter. Ed still turned his back and did what he thought was best.]
... what do we do now?
[He sounds like he did when Ed was 10 and he was 9, when the sun was setting down over the hills of Resembool and they sat before their mother's grave unsure of everything.]
[ A frustrated sigh and he passes his hand over his face again. He's cursing himself again. For making Al believe he was unwanted or that he'd simply leave him behind when the truth is so much more... And he's never been good with words, never been good expressing himself because that was always Al's gift, being able to translate for him. Only now, Al doesn't know the translation and he's not sure he can provide a clear one. ]
That's not it, Al. I thought... it would be selfish of me to try and stay when someone had to make sure things would be alright on the other side. And there was the Gate to think about. I couldn't just... think about only myself and what I wanted.
[ He shakes his head solemnly, frowning as his gaze shifts away from his brother. ]
Dunno. But... we're together. 'Slong as we're together, we can move forward.
[His olive colored eyes drift slowly up as Ed begins to explain. They widen in disbelief when Ed says that it would selfish of him to stay and like that day on the ship as he begun to drift away he finds the words familiar words because caught in his throat.
There had to be another way! You didn't have to do that!
His face twists with emotion as Ed finishes, and it's his turn for his guilt to bubble. Like when he had opened the Gate on their side using Wrath and Gluttony he had not taken into account of the consequences, and even if he suspected them deep down, he did it anyway.
He remembers the broken buildings, the blood, the bodies, and even that blood stained doll that probably belonged to some child. All those people dead because of him and what he wanted.
His fingers release his pants, rising up to take hold of his head. He cries because he doesn't know what else to do and because he's never felt so wrong.
Ed's question causes his head to shake in a broken no.]
... I don't think I can do it. Not without you. I can't.
[ It feels as if pressure is being applied on his chest and he reaches out to place his hands on Al's shoulders, shaking his brother gently. It hurts, watching Al crumble like he is and knowing that it's his fault. It hurts, knowing that this is what they've become, so desperate for each other to the extent that they could bring down worlds. But they can't do that and they can't be selfish. It has to end somewhere. ]
Al, listen to me.
[ Another shake and he's pulling his brother to his chest, holding him closer. ]
You can and you will. I know you can, Al.
[ A hand shifts up to brush long bangs out of Al's eyes, and then thumbs away more tears. ]
We can't keep living as if nothing else matters but the two of us. We can't keep living, ignoring the world. You and me... Al, we're not gonna live forever. And you have to understand that. Some day, we'll be separated and we need to learn how to keep living, keep moving forward. And we can't forget the sacrifices people have made for us...
[It is his selfishness that makes this all the more painful. As Alchemists, their actions and obligations were always supposed to be for the people. For so many years they had done things for one another, that some where along the line he had lost site of most basic of principals and beliefs. What was worse, is that more than anything he still wanted to set those important principals aside to make himself happy. Ed words, with their logical and selflessness, keep his tears from stopping.]
I-I k-know ... I KNOW!
[He sobs in response, ears pressed so hard against his head that they practically vanish among his head of dirty blonde hair. He's shaking still, angry with himself and the way things he has to be. It's not fair, like how the death of their mother wasn't fair, but he also knows deep down that there was no other way. A life for a life. There was no way to correct what had been done, not unless one of them gave up everything for the other. He slumps, body finally giving in to the fatigue brought on by the assault of emotions. He replies again, defeated.]
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no subject
Promise?
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[ The slight tone of warning because he isn't sure if he can make that promise. Never knowing what the future might hold, never knowing when he might have to make a sacrifice again, he isn't sure he can keep his word. And it's not just the fear that he can't keep his promise that makes him pause. Al's fingers, moving again and exploring just a bit in ways he hadn't quite expected, catch him off guard. He tells himself it's due to Al's inability to touch for so long and with that in mind, he can't blame his brother. He has to resist his own urge to finally take in this boy before him, the boy he'd been willing to give up everything to recreate.
But he still can't make the kind of promise Al expects. Sighing, he drags a hand through his bangs before dropping it to Al's shoulder where his fingers pluck at the familiar red fabric. ]
Why're you wearing my old coat?
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He looks away as Ed finds the fabric of the coat, and his fingers and hands release. He pulls away, lifting a hand to adjust the coat on his shoulders possessively.]
It's not your coat. This one's mine.
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[ A frown mars his face for a moment, and he regards the way Al tugs the cloth closer, protectively, possessively. He reluctantly lets go, suddenly feeling as if a gulf has formed between them and inwardly blames himself for it. Maybe if he had found some other way to restore Al... Maybe if he hadn't left his brother behind... Maybe if he'd bothered to ask a few more questions back then but he knows there wouldn't have been any time.
There are so many maybes.
His hand drops to his side and his ears flatten in an unwitting show of concern, frustration. Gloved fingers slip into his pockets. ]
You grew your hair like mine too.
[ Not an accusation. Merely a quiet acknowledgement. ]
no subject
[He says quietly, eyes drifting down to his gloved palms. Twisting them up he stretches his fingers out and to the tiny arrays he has drawn on his palms. After a moment of staring, he tilts them forward for Edward to see.]
... all of them without remembering you and our time spent together.
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The laugh on his lips starts low and quiet, short and abrupt, but slowly growing and becoming louder. As he chuckles, he shakes his head, lips curling in something akin to an astonished smile. ]
Al, you really... You're really something, little brother.
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They never really told me... I think the more I grew and the more I did things. I scared them. Especially, when I talked about the dreams. They kept me going you know. I knew you were out there.
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[ He releases Al's hands to reach out and flick gently at his brother's bangs. He holds Al's gaze for a few seconds before smirking lightly again. He won't say it out loud, but he's proud of what his brother has become. ]
You had dreams, huh? Tell me 'bout 'em?
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[He imagined it was probably worse on Winry. To watch him visit home looking the way he did. As soon as Ed's gaze shifts, his face turns away again. He felt so alone for the last three years, the thought that Ed didn't might not want him around was unsettling, even if he didn't quite understand what he was feeling yet.
With his tail flicking pensively and his dark blond ears lying flat atop his head he bends at the knees. Curling up, knees against chest and head atop his knees.]
I dreamed that you and I were together. We were in a city... sometimes we would work on these machines. I think they were called rockets. I coughed like Teacher sometimes.
no subject
If he hadn't stopped believing in god long ago, he'd curse "him" now.
Alfons... and Alphonse. He'd never known that through the sparkling, bright, and sometimes fever-lit blue eyes of his roommate, he was actually looking at his brother. If this was true, then what had Alfons seen? ]
You... dreamed that?
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[As he recalls his tail flickers, his hands idly shift over the fabric of his pants as he remains curled into himself. He never could have known that the person he was in his dreams was really another him, the him from a world where there was no alchemy and where he wasn't related to Edward.]
no subject
There... was a boy. On the other side of the Gate that I was living with.
[ No, he can't start there. ]
Y'see, everyone on our side of the Gate has a duplicate on the other. And he— Alfons—
[ The distinction in accent is different, highlighting their differences. ]
Alfons was yours. He's the one that helped me cross the Gate. Fuck, I can't believe that all this time...
no subject
He stares in a mix of disbelief and shock, his stomach churns almost in a sickened matter. He's unsure... scared... he swallows down the lump in his throat, but it doesn't help it's far too dry and his stomach far too upset.
He had no idea.]
I ... I didn't know. Was he - ?
[His words fail him, he isn't even sure what he's asking now. Does he even want to know? More than that he wonders why he suddenly feels so afraid.]
no subject
He shakes his head swiftly, indicating that (as far as he knows) Alfons is fine. He has every reason to believe Alfons is, but he'd never really been given the chance to say goodbye. Alfons hadn't allowed that. ]
He's... I dunno. Last time I saw him was from inside a rocket. He knew he didn't have much time left, but—
[ The hand on Al's shoulder squeezes, perhaps a bit painfully and he doesn't notice, because if he did, he'd draw away immediately with an apology. ]
He knew I wanted to go home. To see you. The idiot didn't even give me a choice before he sent me off.
no subject
He considers what he's been told, what's happened, and his thoughts drift back to how Edward was going to leave him behind. His eyes roll shut for a moment.
Edward would've returned to this other world... he would have gone back and lived along side the boy that wasn't him.
The hand on his shoulder and the squeeze that follows drags him abruptly from his thoughts. Ears and tail twitch with pain as he looks upward in confusion.
At least Alfons sounds like him, able to make the decisions that Ed couldn't bring himself to. Though in the back of his mind he wonders if Ed was angry because he didn't have a choice in going or because he really wanted to stay.
He has to resist the urge to reach out, to tug Edward close, and by doing so his hand wrench more tightly on his pants.]
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He's not you, Al. He— He never would be, even if you saw through his eyes.
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Were you happy there?
[The question finally comes out after a pregnant pause. His voice rough from the lack of moisture in his throat and mouth. ]
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Had he been happy? He'd been chasing a dream too long to notice. ]
I don't know. [ A hand drags through his hair again. ] All I ever thought about was getting home. To make sure I didn't fail.
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[He feels his heart sink in his chest after speaking, ears flat and tail wound tightly reflect his inner turmoil and thoughts. All he can think about now is how rejected and crushed he had felt behind held back by Mustang's arms when Ed had told him to stay behind and close the gate on this side. He had tried everything he possible could, said everything he could've thought of, and still it didn't matter. Ed still turned his back and did what he thought was best.]
... what do we do now?
[He sounds like he did when Ed was 10 and he was 9, when the sun was setting down over the hills of Resembool and they sat before their mother's grave unsure of everything.]
no subject
[ A frustrated sigh and he passes his hand over his face again. He's cursing himself again. For making Al believe he was unwanted or that he'd simply leave him behind when the truth is so much more... And he's never been good with words, never been good expressing himself because that was always Al's gift, being able to translate for him. Only now, Al doesn't know the translation and he's not sure he can provide a clear one. ]
That's not it, Al. I thought... it would be selfish of me to try and stay when someone had to make sure things would be alright on the other side. And there was the Gate to think about. I couldn't just... think about only myself and what I wanted.
[ He shakes his head solemnly, frowning as his gaze shifts away from his brother. ]
Dunno. But... we're together. 'Slong as we're together, we can move forward.
no subject
There had to be another way! You didn't have to do that!
His face twists with emotion as Ed finishes, and it's his turn for his guilt to bubble. Like when he had opened the Gate on their side using Wrath and Gluttony he had not taken into account of the consequences, and even if he suspected them deep down, he did it anyway.
He remembers the broken buildings, the blood, the bodies, and even that blood stained doll that probably belonged to some child. All those people dead because of him and what he wanted.
His fingers release his pants, rising up to take hold of his head. He cries because he doesn't know what else to do and because he's never felt so wrong.
Ed's question causes his head to shake in a broken no.]
... I don't think I can do it. Not without you. I can't.
no subject
[ It feels as if pressure is being applied on his chest and he reaches out to place his hands on Al's shoulders, shaking his brother gently. It hurts, watching Al crumble like he is and knowing that it's his fault. It hurts, knowing that this is what they've become, so desperate for each other to the extent that they could bring down worlds. But they can't do that and they can't be selfish. It has to end somewhere. ]
Al, listen to me.
[ Another shake and he's pulling his brother to his chest, holding him closer. ]
You can and you will. I know you can, Al.
[ A hand shifts up to brush long bangs out of Al's eyes, and then thumbs away more tears. ]
We can't keep living as if nothing else matters but the two of us. We can't keep living, ignoring the world. You and me... Al, we're not gonna live forever. And you have to understand that. Some day, we'll be separated and we need to learn how to keep living, keep moving forward. And we can't forget the sacrifices people have made for us...
no subject
I-I k-know ... I KNOW!
[He sobs in response, ears pressed so hard against his head that they practically vanish among his head of dirty blonde hair. He's shaking still, angry with himself and the way things he has to be. It's not fair, like how the death of their mother wasn't fair, but he also knows deep down that there was no other way. A life for a life. There was no way to correct what had been done, not unless one of them gave up everything for the other. He slumps, body finally giving in to the fatigue brought on by the assault of emotions. He replies again, defeated.]
... I know.