so easily enabled w h y...........

[rocketry]

You know, your German isn't nearly good enough for this. If you insist, though, I suppose I can help you study. It's important to know more than how to order a beer or a pastry, you know. You're even living there, I mean.. really, no excuse.

.. I'm not avoiding the subject. I simply don't think it's important right now. You have until October to consider it, which means I have that long to talk you out of it. After all, I-- I died, right? And it's not as if dying makes me magically well.

I can't.. do that to Ed. Besides, I was just-- I don't.. have a place there. It's okay, though. I mean, I'm happy. So don't look at me like that, please. I really, ah, don't know how to handle a crying girl.

Comments

BECAUSE THIS IS GOOD THAT'S WHY

[alchimia]

A—

[ oh god, his throat is closing up and his chest hurts and that's not fair at all because it's nothing like the pain Alfons feels right? but just... seeing him again is like opening up old wounds. ]

Alfons...

[ he died. the words take a moment to sink it and when they do, teeth clench and hands fist at his sides. died. that's right. he knows it here, but he doesn't know in Zodion and that just makes things worse, doesn't it. and it's his fault too. it's his fault and no matter what world he's in... whether it's his brother or Alfons, he can't ever seem to do right by Al. ]

What are you saying? You mean you're content to just...

[ just what? he isn't sure. without a home, it would just be a meaningless existence, right? and since Alfons is de— he can't even bring himself to think it, no matter how true it is. and since he is, there would be nothing except him left keeping Alfons' memory. ]

G O S H punch me right in the feels why don't you

[rocketry]

[ it isn't supposed to be like this. he's supposed to be gone, and ed is supposed to be with his al. the one that looks like alfons-- he knows, because sometimes, he's not sure ed was really seeing him. (it was okay then, when he could still hide that he was fading. but in the end--)

still, he fishes his smile up out of the wreckage, fingers finding the nape of his neck. sheepish, maybe, or protective. vulnerable. scared. ]

I'm not.. supposed to be here at all, right?

[ a rasp of breath, rattling in his chest, reminder of what would have taken him if the bullet hadn't. he's grateful for the swift end, for not forcing edward to sit by his bedside and watch him waste away. it's-- better this way. right? better just to be a memory. ]

--He's there. Isn't he? I mean, with you. Your Al.

that's just how i roll

[alchimia]

[ a jolt, like electricity but more painful, watching as fingers shift upwards, reminding him far too much of the way they'd often grasp fabric between hoarse coughs and he should've realized. he jerks forward a fraction only to stop. dammit, he should've realized so much sooner, but he'd been blind. far too focused on the stars, too focused on a distant world to see what was right in front of him. and just like that, his own foolishness and his own selfishness had killed Al again. not his brother, but still Al, Alfons... ]

Idiot, that's not—

[ it stings and he curses himself and goddammit, Alfons, why couldn't he have just continued to focus on his own dreams, his own goals? if only... if only... and maybe that would have made this easier. and maybe it would make him feel less guilty for being so fucking happy to be with Al again.

but that's not fair. the answer is wrong. it's fucked up again because he's with a boy who looks like, sounds like, acts like his brother, but isn't. a boy from a different world and isn't that just like Alfons all over again? Alfons looks even more like the Al he's come to know in Zodion and that just makes it worse.

it would be better if they hated him. both of them, and his Al too. and then maybe he wouldn't have hurt them as much as he had.

brows furrow, teeth clench, and long bangs fall like a curtain over his features as he ducks his head. ]

I finished the observatory. There's a pretty good view of the stars now. They're not the same, but... [ the lump in his throat doesn't go down, no matter how much he tries to swallow around it. ] I wanted you to see them.

the worst ;;

[rocketry]

.. Oh, Ed.

[ this is his fault. the slump of ed's shoulders, the way he can't make himself look at alfons-- he'd never wanted to do this to him. he'd just wanted to be seen, alfons heiderich, not a replacement for a brother in another world. but he shouldn't have kept pushing, he shouldn't have let ed get attached. it had all been pointless in the end, after all, hadn't it?

he reaches out, fingers hesitating, hovering over familiar golden hair. finally, though, they settle lightly against ed's crown, smoothing the long strands absently back. ]

I'm sure they're beautiful. [ they are, they always are, but he doesn't really care about them right now. he's beyond things like dreams, isn't he? (he just wants ed to look at him.) ] .. I'm sorry. I've been awful to you, haven't I? I don't mean to upset you.

[ he lifts his fingers away, hand falling loose at his side. he hates this. he doesn't know what to say or how to fix this. people aren't like rockets. if they were, his lungs wouldn't burn all the time, and ed would have a real arm and a leg and he wouldn't look so sad. ]

yep that's me

[alchimia]

[ the touch comes as a surprise and he jerks his head up, gaze seeking Alfons'. awful Alfons says... he could almost laugh, if it didn't feel as if his heart was being squeezed. it would've been a bitter, near hysterical laugh anyway because Alfons had been anything but awful. the boy had been a near stranger when he'd been willing to take him in and he can still remember the day they met. he'd been surprised Alfons hadn't thought him mad for the way he'd been slack jawed and staring.

awful.

no, the awful one had been him. because Alfons had reached out and he'd ignored it and now Alfons is gone (even if he's right here, right now) and he can never properly apologize. never properly thank him. ]

Dammit, Alfons—! [ a choke as emotion gets caught in his throat and steel fingers clench into a fist. ] That's not it at all!

[ the passion with which he speaks makes him jerk forward, bangs fluttering around his face as he swings his arm out in a frustrated gesture. ] You never should've helped me! You never should've put me in that rocket! You should be living, making more rockets, reaching the stars! You never...

[ and the passion fades as if energy has escaped him. he can't quite bring himself to say it, but it's on the tip of his tongue. You never should've died... ]

[rocketry]

[ his lips twitch upward at the familiar passion, the dramatic expressiveness and gestures. he'd never tell ed, but he thinks sometimes that the older man overcompensates a little for his height. (it's kind of funny when it's not.. a subject like this.) ]

Ed-- [ a shake of his head, fingers curling in his shirt to keep from reaching out again. he doesn't want to have this conversation. but.. ed deserves the truth, doesn't he? ] I'm glad I could help you. You.. You were miserable there, and I.. [ he swallows, fighting down the useless, stupid itch that always precedes his coughing. ] I was already dying. I wouldn't have lived much longer even if I'd gone home that day.

[ he flattens his palm against his chest, eyes sliding shut as he listens to the rhythm of his own breathing. ]

.. I wouldn't have wanted you to see me that way. [ weak and bedridden and unraveling at the seams. he wishes he'd had more time, true, but-- ] And I wanted you to go back home to your Alphonse. That wasn't so bad, was it?

[alchimia]

Idiot!

[ it seems like the only word he can manage when referring to Alfons, even though he knows the other boy is anything but. he's a genius, not unlike his brother, and the thought is just another twist of the invisible knife in his gut. a twist made more painful as Alfons admits he was dying. and just like the first time he'd heard it, his lips part with a sharp intake of air.

his fingers from where his hand has dropped to his side twitch in remembrance of a brief moment when Alfons' hand covered his own and there's a slight temptation to reach out. but he's not sure he should. he's not sure he has the right. and his gaze drops to the ground again. ]

Dammit... I never said I wanted to leave you.

[ and he winces because it's half a lie. he hadn't wanted to stay, as much as he hadn't wanted to go. out of place and torn between two worlds. he can't decide which one he wants more. and he wouldn't have even cared about Munich if it weren't for Alfons. ]

[rocketry]

[ a part of him wants to laugh or scream or maybe cry. he can't decide, and he'd really, really like to believe that ed had wanted to stay with him, that he'd been more than just a weirdly familiar face in a strange world. he doesn't do any of that, though; instead, he finds himself smiling, the feel of it a little painful on his face. he'd sort of forgotten he could smile like this.

he reaches out, ending ed's indecision for him, gathering both flesh and artificial hand between his own and pressing them gently. it feels good to be able to touch him like this, casual, as if he has any right after how much he's obviously hurt him. ]

It's okay. You can blame me if you have to-- I wanted you to go home. After all, your Al had to be missing you, too, right?

[ a part of ed might not have wanted to abandon alfons-- but ed had owed him no debts. alfons wouldn't have wanted to hold him back if he could have helped. ]

.. Besides, it's done now. No taking it back, and you don't get to waste it feeling guilty, okay? [ he presses ed's hands again, mouth twitching down in something vaguely resembling 'stern'. ] I didn't send you back to find Al for you to blame yourself for something I chose to do.

[alkahestry]

[No matter which of him approach the situation, their reactions are all the same. He's heard about Alfons, bits and pieces but never anything concrete. He's the boy who looks like him, the boy from the other side, the boy who lived with Edward, and he's the boy that for a time when he slept he shared every waking moment with. It's funny how you take for granted what you're told. Edward always said, He looks just like you.

However, it never really sunk in until now. It's more than just a few similar traits. No. This is like looking in a mirror, only Alfons's hair is much more pale and his eyes are the color of the sky on a cloudless summer day.

It shakes him to his core, it makes him stare (something he knows is rude), he knows Alfons - there's that other him who whenever the veil of consciousness met with the subconscious blurred the lines of reality and allowed him to lead a double life.

Still, it pains him to hear how easily this other him but not him thinks he doesn't have a place. It couldn't be further from the truth and despite any fear or discomfort he might feel he presses on, because Alfons deserves it.]

Some people just don't know what they have until it smacks them in the face or it's gone.

[This goes for both Edward and Alfons from the looks of it. Not that the same didn't apply to him in certain situations, god knows he was prone to being insecure. Like now ..., because part of him still wonders if the Ed he's come to know and love doesn't see Alfons every time he looks at him.]

[rocketry]

[ .. oh. this is.. ed's alphonse, then. no wonder ed had been attached to him, he and this alphonse could almost be twins. but at the same time, there's no hiding that he's ed's brother. their hair and eyes are barely shades apart, and it really seems like they must fit together like puzzle pieces when they're together.

(do they heal all the empty places for one another? the stories ed had told-- they've gone through so much.)

he can't even feel jealous, not really. at first, he had, but-- time and ed's insistence on going home had killed it. he doesn't have any right to be jealous of this, of them. and anyway, that would be selfish, wouldn't it? he's told himself that he doesn't want to be selfish, he won't tie ed to himself, he won't ask him for anything anymore.

(alphonse looks-- happy, maybe? does he make ed happy, too? does he smile now without that faraway look?)

he forces his face past shock, past anything else it wants to settle on, finds good humour somewhere and shakes it off and puts it to use again. ]

Well, I guess it would've been hard to explain how much you and I look alike if I hadn't-- [ oh. this is harder than he'd expected. ] Ah. [ fingers against his throat, chest too tight, he doesn't know if he can breathe. ] You're-- [ in, out. ] You're taking care of him? I mean-- That's not what I meant. --He's okay? You're both.. okay?

[alkahestry]

[If he could read minds, the both of them... because there was a time (still is) where he repeated the same kind of things to himself and he was doing so now.

This was the boy that Edward gravitated towards. This was the boy who for probably reasons he didn't quite understand (yet) that went out on a limb and invited him to live together. This was the boy who risked everything to get him home and who in the end his brother decided to return to instead of staying behind in his real home with.

He tells himself he doesn't have a right to be jealous, but it's hard not to feel a little selfish after everything he's been through with Edward now. Still he has to remind himself that despite how far his relationship has come with Edward that he has his own brother waiting at home and Edward doesn't belong to him either. He's just another ghost, one who's wondered on more than one occasion if it's Alfons his brother is seeing or him each time they're together.]

You took care of him too and because of that ...

[He starts out admitting, because it's easier to say than some of the other things and though for the first time in a long time he's terrified of losing what's become - he knows it's just unfair to keep claiming the place he has when Ed isn't even really his to begin with it.]

... he's fine. I'm the one who should be thanking you.

[rocketry]

Oh-- no. No, it's-- [ a shaky laugh that trails off as he swallows down the cough that threatens (more often, now, interrupting everything-- his constant reminder that he's not meant to be here), hands spasming against his trousers, balling in the fabric. ] Don't-- thank me for something like that. Anyone would have done it.

[ it's not really fair. he was dead, beyond caring about-- any of this. beyond hurting, beyond being sick, beyond these.. thoughts. maybe this is meant to be his punishment for his feelings. but that's.. unfair, too, right? to look at alphonse and think that. there's something wrong with him that he could, maybe, because alphonse has never done anything to deserve this, and he's been nothing but gracious and polite so far. he can see why ed had missed him so much. ]

Ed-- [ he forces his fingers to loosen, flattening against his outer thighs. in, out. ] Ed missed you so much, I couldn't.. It would have been cruel not to help him when I could.

[ he lifts both hands to flatten against the center of his chest, lashes lowering briefly over his eyes as he counts heartbeats. ]

--Besides, it was selfish, too, you know? I was lonely at first, and then I wanted him to go, so I made him.

[alkahestry]

Are you kidding?

[He laughs. He's surprised at how easy it comes out, but maybe that's because of the one that is coming from Alfons. Not to mention when it comes to Edward they both know the truth.]

Brother's lost without someone like us around. He's no good at taking care of himself.

[And just like he does with Edward he can't help but notice the way those hands clench and wrench against fabric. Unable to help wondering just how much it hurts and knowing that it must he reaches out. He would have done the same for a complete stranger, which is why despite his uncertainty he steps forward to take Alfons by his hands. He's not sure what he can do, but he's there.]

You'll never hear him saying the things he should say...

[He starts to explain as his fingers shift to turn hands that appear so similar to his own over so Alfon's palms are faced upward. There his fingers linger in the hallowed out space, a space he knows all to well have been filled with blood time and time again.]

... and he's always the worst at realizing the things he has staring him in the face, but you know it's okay to be selfish once in a while too.

[He speaks more quietly now as his fingers slip from the other boy's palm to his wrists. Talking about Edward is easy, but it's the next part that he knows he has to tell Alfons - if anything the other boy deserves to know.]

You might have made him go, but in the end he choose to go back to you.

[Edward might have claimed his reasons were based on the need to close to the gate, but Al knew better. Ed was still running away... he was still punishing himself... and yet at the same time he was always picking one of them over the other.]