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Never thought I'd say this, mate, but I think I'm starting to get bored.
Yeah, yeah, we had a good thing going at first. You know, wank, sleep, eat, wank, eat, sleep, wank. But I'm a complex and beautiful man! I need something more than this. You know, like a prostitute, or a gerbil. I could take care of the little fella.
You see? You see what you've done to me? I just asked for a fucking gerbil! Jesus, you've ruined me. Now, you better do something to fix this or I'm going to be balls deep in rodents. Those hairy little fuckers.
Now I'm not trying to say it's not a nice break from all the community service, and the killing probation workers, and you know... the dying and all. But can't you get me into some parties, or something? I mean, it's been... well, it's been awhile since I've had a shag, alright? And if you think I'm about to kiss your arse to get one you've got another thing coming. I'll fuck your shit right up, mate. Yeah, I went to a kickboxing class once! I would've taken more but they found out I didn't pay so they kicked me out. ...Probably better that way, I think the teacher was eying me. You know. Homosexually.
A gerbil. That is literally the most retarded shit I've said all day.
Yeah, yeah, we had a good thing going at first. You know, wank, sleep, eat, wank, eat, sleep, wank. But I'm a complex and beautiful man! I need something more than this. You know, like a prostitute, or a gerbil. I could take care of the little fella.
You see? You see what you've done to me? I just asked for a fucking gerbil! Jesus, you've ruined me. Now, you better do something to fix this or I'm going to be balls deep in rodents. Those hairy little fuckers.
Now I'm not trying to say it's not a nice break from all the community service, and the killing probation workers, and you know... the dying and all. But can't you get me into some parties, or something? I mean, it's been... well, it's been awhile since I've had a shag, alright? And if you think I'm about to kiss your arse to get one you've got another thing coming. I'll fuck your shit right up, mate. Yeah, I went to a kickboxing class once! I would've taken more but they found out I didn't pay so they kicked me out. ...Probably better that way, I think the teacher was eying me. You know. Homosexually.
A gerbil. That is literally the most retarded shit I've said all day.
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[ when did you get so cocky, simon. ]
No, I'm talking real gorgeous birds! You know the type. Long hair, big breasts, low standards...
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[ ...okay there is definitely a note of sarcasm in there. ]
I had a goldfish once. It lived for almost a week, that's like a hundred years to those little bastards!
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What sort of girl would fall for...for...you? [Not what he wanted to say, but it'll do.]
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You don't even know how to take care of yourself. Who the fuck would give you an animal if they didn't want you to kill it?
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[ when he's finished with the new nicknames, simon will be begging to be called twat instead. he just knows it. ]
A nice and beautiful girl with giant tits, that's who! You know, or a really drunk average-lookin' girl. I reckon I can pull at least a five, especially if she's got prettier friends. She's got to be insecure and desperate for love then!
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I can take care of myself! I'm doing great, thank you very much. Have you seen my place? It's plush.
[ okay, so she's seen his place every day at community service. BUT IT'S BETTER NOW OKAY ]
Listen, me and my gerbil are going to very happy together, and if you can't accept that, well... We just can't be friends anymore.
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If she's drunk, that would be considered rape! That's awful. Why would you go through with that?!
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[ or that's what he tells himself. he is super popular and has all the bffs, okay? ]
So let's just - let's just stop with the lying, alright? No one can blame you, I'm irresistibly alluring!
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No. No! It's just... just helping them lower their standards. It's bein' realistic!
[ you know what maybe it's time to change the subject. ]
We're all offenders here. There's no judgment.
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But-[He looks at him for a moment.] I'm not like you. I made a mistake. I'm not constantly an-[arse] incredibly reckless person.
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It's not lying when it's the truth. You haven't even named your gerbil, and you expect me to believe you're caring?
[ reaching there, alisha, but pushing nathan's buttons and insulting him all the time is her career. ]
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[ pat on the back. ]
You'll learn.
[ possibly missing the point. possibly. ]
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I'll name him! You'll see. You'll all see.
[ he may be being purposefully overdramatic. ]
I get it. I get it. You're just jealous that I've got a gerbil and you don't.
[ well, he doesn't exactly have a gerbil. but he has a hypothetical gerbil. ]
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[ tried and true method. maybe he didn't exactly say he was on probation, and maybe the girls weren't exactly sober, but whatever. ]
We're dangerous, and exciting! [ well, stealing pick 'n' mix wasn't dangerous or exciting, but he leaves that part out. ]
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[ he... probably doesn't have the money to support a gerbil, but this is personal now. if alisha doesn't think he can take care of a gerbil, he has to. obviously. he'll show her. ]
I'll get one somehow!
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I thought you said you had a gerbil, yeah? You making all this shit up to make yourself look good in front of your mun-person?
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[ he makes a lot of shit up, so he knows it's not that hard to come to the conclusion that he's taking the piss. but he's still affronted because it's alisha and this is what they do. ]
You can come to the pet shop and see me get him. I'm going to need you to dress in all black and meet me there at midnight with a crowbar.
[ yes. they are stealing a gerbil. ]
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[ nathan can lay on the bullshit, alisha can, too. ] I'm not stealing a fucking gerbil. You're gonna traumatise that little shit for life and what kind of caring, loving gerbil-owner does that?
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[ your logic is flawed, obvs. ]
I'm not going to traumatise him! I'm going to love him, and care for him always! You know, like a good pet owner does! I'll get him little gerbil sweaters and shit!
...So you're in, right?
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Do you even know how to knit? [ okay, alisha, not the point. she sighs. ]
I can't let you kill a gerbil and get caught, can I?
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I'll learn! Because that's what good owners do.
[ sigh. ] I'm not going to kill him, alright? I'm going to free him from his prison!
You just know he's not happy in there. He wants me.
[ nathan always has to get into seriously creepy territory. ]
/threadjack because lol
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Yeah, alright, man, good luck with that.
I'm all for you getting laid, mate, don't get me wrong. But you're going about it all the wrong way! There's nothing wrong with losing your virginity to a 50 year old prostitute, alright?
So I'll hook you up, yeah?
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I don't trust you.
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Okay, maybe, but isn't a 50 year old prostitute hilarious enough? All those wrinkles in her dangly bits. It's a woman even you can tire out!
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No, it's not. [A pause.] She's probably someone's mother...grandmother...
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[ eyebrow waggle. ]
Yeah? Yeah? So what d'you say, man?
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Are you suddenly a gerbil whisperer?
well this is late oop
lil bit affronted b/c well he's always affronted for some reason or another and because hdu question his connection with gerbils ]
Well, what if I am?