(canon: thank you for smoking) - looking at capeandcowl

[merchantofdeath]

Let's go over a few things before you sit down and start gushing about me for ten pages straight in the hopes that anyone but you actually cares.

I'm never wrong. Where I'm from, at least. But where I'm going, I have to be wrong. But, see, even thinking like that? That's not the issue. The issue isn't that I'm from 1998 and no one had any conclusive results that cigarette smoking linked in any way to lung cancer—the issue is that, in regards to debate, I'm never wrong. Abe Lincoln never told a lie, and I'm never wrong. Can you do that? Can you be wrong without being wrong? Sure sounds like a paradox to me, don't know if you can handle that level.

Also, my Kryptonite—since we're talking about superheroes—is nicotine. One of the easiest things you can find, I can't handle it. That seems like a pretty big damn weakness to me. Oh, if you want to make Superman feel ill, you have to travel across five galaxies, grab a chunk of rock, zoom back, and get close. Me? You'll have to keep me two hundred feet away from bars. I don't know about you, but when a doctor tells you that smoking saved your life but, hey, one more cigarette and you're back to a coma you can never wake up from? Kind of want to listen to the doctor about that. Can't really imagine anyone who wants to be a turnip instead of watch their son grow up. Well, I can, but I'd really rather not think about anything that keeps me away from Joey, thanks.

Last thing for now: I used to (or still do, depending on where you "pull" me from) speak on behalf of an organization that killed nearly half a million American men and women of all ages a year. I can think of at least one state senator and a handful of radicals who'd call that being a big damn villain. I haven't forgot the whole being found in the crotch of Abe Lincoln, covered in nicotine patches and—oh, look. Circular argument, we're back to Abe Lincoln.

In summary: you can't handle me. I know you like me, which is fine, but you really are not up to my level.

Why don't you go play someone easy, like Sherlock Holmes.

[rude]

Comments

[undeadsidekick]

Kryptonite really isn't that hard to find.

[merchantofdeath]

If that's completely true, how is Superman still around? And isn't there a Supergirl at this point, too?

[Nick Naylor doesn't keep up with comic books, obviously, or he'd know that nobody ever dies. It's like a soap opera!]

[undeadsidekick]

He's an alien and super powerful. Kryptonite can take him out for a while, sure, but you'd have to go pretty hard to take out Superman.

[merchantofdeath]

I suppose H. G. Wells would have been a huge fan, considering his aliens were defeated by water.

[undeadsidekick]

Maybe. I can't say I've read much Wells, but you at least have to go to the black market for Kryptonite.

[aggressiveapathy]

I'm sorry. All I heard was 'hello, I'm gay for Lincoln's crotch.'

[merchantofdeath]

[Someone's cute.]

I think that would translate more towards, "hello, I'm really turned on by extremely large statues of dead presidents made out of marble," more than Lincoln's crotch, in particular. It just so happened to be where I was recovered. I'm sure I would have made it to the reflection pool if I woke up.

[aggressiveapathy]

Giant states is so the most boring porno ever. Like, worse than couch on couch action.

[merchantofdeath]

It's probably because Florida can't sustain itself for very long and Alaska, the largest, is so, so far away. It's a sexless marriage for the states.

[undeadsidekick]

Go on and call him a hooker now. Get it out of your system.

[merchantofdeath]

I don't think I could get away with being a hooker for long, what with being a public figure and all. I'd be more likely to be the one paying, in that regard.

[undeadsidekick]

She's just got a thing for hookers, so it's nothing on you as a person, or public figure.

[merchantofdeath]

And here I was hoping she would have been commenting on my inherent charisma and sexiness. Thanks for breaking that illusion, Mister Todd.

[herr_niemand]

Takes me back to the time we almost made Superman an ashtray.

[Context, what is that.]

[merchantofdeath]

I'm sure Buffalo Bill would wet his pants in joy if you managed to do that.

[herr_niemand]

I'll do him better: I'll get the whole Justice League to become a living Ikea set!

Just think of the fans ogling all that furniture.

[merchantofdeath]

Ikea? Is that after 1998 or during? There's all this research to do, you know, it's kind of harrowing for her.

Which probably says a lot about her life in general. Researching Ikea, wow, it's so stressful.

[viced]

The only other people who complain that I don't ban smoking in bars are health nuts and middle aged, angry women.

So, which one are you?

[merchantofdeath]

The guy who was overloaded on nicotine patches and went into a coma thanks to them.

So, neither. Should I say sorry for that?

[viced]

Oh.

Well that fucking sucks.

[merchantofdeath]

[That gets a "heh," at least.]

You're damn right about that. He didn't say anything about second-hand smoke, but being told you could go back into a never-ending coma from one drag on a cigarette is kind of warning enough to stay as far away as I can. I think that's a rather logical, reasonable conclusion, at least.

[sweetvalleygirl]

Wow. You talk a lot.

[merchantofdeath]

It's my job.

[sweetvalleygirl]

What job do you have and how do I get it?

[merchantofdeath]

I'm a lobbyist. It takes a bit of charisma and a great deal of rationale. Not everyone could do it, but it's not as bad as other jobs.