canon is Shaggy Dog. Probably homeless forever. :| :|

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

Between the name and the loathsome layout selection, I have to ask: did you think that was funny, are you just that stupid?

This is unacceptable. I have much more important things to deal with than entertaining your thoughts. Unclean thoughts, at that! No, I won't even acknowledge them further. Already I want to take an hour-long hot shower just to scrub them away. Oh, for heaven's sake, just the mention of a shower and you think--no, never mind, just stop.

And no, a diamond collar will not make up for it. I'll have you know I am a well-respected scientist, a wealthy businessman at that, and I will not put up with this abuse for much longer.

Comments

[dudeoflead]

Jesus Christ.

You was dark times, man.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

... Sorry, what?

[dudeoflead]

Wonder how much blow we got for that piece of shit.

Where's the tail? Was it CGI or animatronic? Did you get to keep it?

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

Drugs are for the ugly people who need some way to deal with themselves every day.

...Yes, the tail is, unfortunately, still here. [Behind him, where its twitching in agitation.] I've no idea what you mean by 'CGI'.

[dudeoflead]

[Oh my God, that tail. It's beautiful. It's fluffy. He had no idea his actor was a furry.]

At least it's well-groomed, yeah?

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[Ask nicely and maybe he'll let you brush it.]

Of course it is! I can't be seen in public with something that resemble's a hobo's mutt!

[dudeoflead]

[Bitch, they didn't have doggie brushes in Vietnam!]

I wouldn't been seen in public with it at all if I was you.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[Use a comb then. After you wash it twice with flowery scented soap.]

Yes, well, it's not as if I have a choice in the matter.

[dudeoflead]

[DIDN'T HAVE THAT SHIT IN VIETNAM EITHER YOU BOZO]

Stay at home all by yaself, eating pints of ice cream and watching Spanish soap operas, getting mute call girls to come up once and while, maybe listen to some Celine Dion...can't be that bad.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[He can't let you use your fingers! YOU HAVE GERMS.]

I would rather get fleas than live like that. The ice cream would positively destroy my physique, and call girls? Those diseased wretches of society? Absolutely not!

[...But Celene Dion is ok.]

[dudeoflead]

[Hey, dude, you have something up your butt, and it ain't your tail. Work on that, ya hear?]

Your physique. Uh-huh, okay. I don't see nothing but lanky, gangly, four-eyed germaphobe, but what do I know.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[No thanks, he's perfectly content as he is.]

I'd much rather be "lanky" than some vein-popping musclefreak with an undersized brain. Among other things. I wear the glasses because they're stylish. How many times have you bee on the cover of GQ?

[dudeoflead]

Oh God, let me think...sixteen? I must have stopped counting after that. Why?

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

I... was only curious.

[Fuck. You. Only four covers for him.]

[dudeoflead]

[That would be like masturbation!]

Well, don't leave me hangin', brother, give me those deets!

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[As long as rubber gloves are involved, he's okay with this.]

It's nothing. Clearly, you win in the superior field of being a shallow, attractive human being.

[dudeoflead]

[You's a freak.]

Oh now, don't go there. That ain't how it be at all, man.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[...Yes. But an intelligent freak.]

Oh, isn't it? Then, please, enlighten me on "what it be".

[dudeoflead]

[Yeah sure.]

I'm an actor. Five Oscars under my belt. I'm just in character right now for a movie I'm workin' on.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[COME AT ME, BRO.]

An actor. That disqualifies you from being completely shallow and self-absorbed... how, exactly?

what the hell, why even bother leading in to this

[vanshrike]

I don't know about that-- I think a collar and a muzzle could improve a lot of things about you.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

Is that you being clever? It's cute in a very sad way.

[vanshrike]

Down, boy.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[Tail swaying a little now. But he'll grin all smugly cuz ha! Failed command.]

I'm not on you. [...Wait.] Nor will I ever be, as I've no doubt you're fantasizing.

[vanshrike]

[It was only an expression, but this is an interesting development.]

Yeah, muzzle would definitely be an improvement. Maybe some obedience training. I know a guy for that, gets good results.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

I'll have to, respectfully decline. I've a life to lead, things to do, a business to run. Isn't there some rent boy you could buy to suit your... perversions?

[Don't ask how he knows that term. It was purely research.]

[vanshrike]

I live in L.A., I could throw a stick and hit someone willing to do worse for less trouble.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[Throw a stick? Is that an offer?! ...Oh, wait, no. You tease.]

Undoubtedly. No shortage of desperate people these days.

[vanshrike]

[Don't think for one second that a PI wouldn't notice that reaction.]

Forgive me for prying, but if you'll humor my curiosity for just a moment--

[He suddenly produces a stress ball--very handy in his line of work--from his pocket and does the dog-teasing motion with it, accompanied only by an expectant look.]

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

Sure, I'll try to--

[OMG A BALL!! And just like that Kozak is on his knees, tail wagging, eyes lit up and grinning like the five year old kid on Christmas morning. Eyesontheball, eyesontheball, it's going to be thrown at any fucking second, he just knows it...]

[vanshrike]

[Oh, this is too good to be true.]

Fetch!

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[KOZAK'S GOING TO FETCH LIKE THE BEST FUCKING FETCHER TO EVER... FETCH. Damn skippy. Not the most graceful thing, running on all fours, in a $2,000 suit no less, but he manages. He races back, with ball held securely in his teeth, and kneels at Perry's feet. The ball is held out to him.

Treat? Yes? Or maybe just throw it again. That'd work too. Either way, when the ball is taken, Perry can expect a soft tongue licking at his hand.]

[vanshrike]

[Perry takes the ball, and to his credit only pauses momentarily before throwing it again.

When it's returned the second time, he goes back to teasing for a moment, moving his arm in an exaggerated sweeping motion accompanied by inane encouragements of 'You want it? You want the ball?' before he reels back and throws-- a fake-out. The ball never leaves his hand.]

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[Kozak is all boundless energy now, knee-hopping from one spot to the next as Perry teases. He falls for the fake-throw completely, with all cognitive human abilities are pushed way back at this point. He scurries to where he thinks he heard the ball land, then runs over to another spot, certain its there, too. It isn't.

Realizing he's been tricked, Kozak runs back and kneels at his feet again. With eyes trained on ball, he's reaching for it, whining, with fingers that may have scrambled over Perry's belt in their haste.]

[vanshrike]

[Entertainment value is quickly becoming derailed; Perry's only human, after all, and regardless of the ridiculousness of the situation he's still faced with a handsome man on his knees in a $2,000 suit pawing eagerly at him, fuck context.]

Wait-- Stop. Sit!

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[And he does, just like that. His body obeys instantly, and he's pouting, wanting to move, but he does't. He remains kneeling with his tail wagging eagerly.

A few seconds pass, and Kozak blinks several times as the human mind settles back in. His tail slows, and though he doesn't really move, the poise shifts, becoming less animal and more human. Puppy eyes vanish to be replaced by a glare of death. It's as intimidating as one could imagine from a guy on all fours.]

Is your curiosity satisfied now?

[vanshrike]

[...]

Something like that.

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

I'm so pleased it was that enlightening for you.

[His tone practically oozes acidic sarcasm. The command eventually loses its hold and he stands. From his pocket he retrieves a pair of gloves, which he puts on hastily, and then a moist towelette packet. He tears it open with his teeth, spitting aside the small shredded piece, then gets down to the business of wiping off the few dirty spots on his suit. Hardly a proper dry cleaning, but it will do for now.]