Tara Maclay (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
moontothetide) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dear_mun2012-06-02 01:48 am
moontothetide) wrote in dear_mun2012-06-02 01:48 am
Entry tags:
Decisions, decisions, at towerofanimus
...o-okay. Just...let me see if, i-if I have this right.
You're deciding whether or not to send me on some...weird "game" with people who, who want to vivisect us and the fact that we're being divided into groups makes me think that we're going to have to...to kill people. I-I don't want to kill anyone. I-I'm, I'm really not good at it. Warren, um, didn't count. And the people I've met have been really nice to me. If I have to hurt them...
...and, and I can tell that you're looking forward to me, um, losing control of the magic some more. I mean, I'm glad that Kohaku might not be the first, but...if, if you send me, or even if I stay, there will be others. Willow will find out, and people will get hurt, and...they don't deserve to get hurt, not when I'm just that weak.
...and you're s-still considering killing me before all of this happens? You're really...a-and my choices are organ removal or drowning? And, and not killing me before things get bad is only a possibility? All so I can still attack Kohaku and be in even worse shape to deal with whatever's about to happen? All so I just get worse? All so I can stay weak?
Willow already d-doesn't trust me. I, I don't like being this way. I, I don't like being unworthy of her, or of the people I've met, or...I, I don't like this. I know that, w-whatever happens, I'm going to die, a-and it's going to hurt, and I won't be able to help. And that hurts worst of all.
...I guess that's why you can't decide either, is it? Guess I, I wasn't m-much help with that, either. Sorry.
You're deciding whether or not to send me on some...weird "game" with people who, who want to vivisect us and the fact that we're being divided into groups makes me think that we're going to have to...to kill people. I-I don't want to kill anyone. I-I'm, I'm really not good at it. Warren, um, didn't count. And the people I've met have been really nice to me. If I have to hurt them...
...and, and I can tell that you're looking forward to me, um, losing control of the magic some more. I mean, I'm glad that Kohaku might not be the first, but...if, if you send me, or even if I stay, there will be others. Willow will find out, and people will get hurt, and...they don't deserve to get hurt, not when I'm just that weak.
...and you're s-still considering killing me before all of this happens? You're really...a-and my choices are organ removal or drowning? And, and not killing me before things get bad is only a possibility? All so I can still attack Kohaku and be in even worse shape to deal with whatever's about to happen? All so I just get worse? All so I can stay weak?
Willow already d-doesn't trust me. I, I don't like being this way. I, I don't like being unworthy of her, or of the people I've met, or...I, I don't like this. I know that, w-whatever happens, I'm going to die, a-and it's going to hurt, and I won't be able to help. And that hurts worst of all.
...I guess that's why you can't decide either, is it? Guess I, I wasn't m-much help with that, either. Sorry.
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But sh-she's with someone else. They exchanged rings.
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Look, I don't know what's goin' on wherever she is, but it's bullshit is what. Things happen in these places. I'm sure it's a misunderstanding.
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[Tara's often wondered what it is about Spike that invites confidence. Maybe it's just that he's the first person she's seen from home in forever, and she knows he'll be honest and she's not entirely sure who's being honest with her right now.]
...I mean, yeah, there's been...misunderstandings, a-and bad communication, but, um, Willow says it's because we come from...different worlds? I, um, I don't really understand it.
But I'm not...I-I'm not her Tara. So...she's, she's with s-someone else.