dear_mun | (no subject)

Doesn't mean you have to take all of it and not to this extent.

You seriously have to stop doing that.

... I had to, Liz. [He had to do something, and taking responsibility for it was the only way he knew to make amends.]

No, you didn't. You only think you had to. It's what you always do. You think something is wrong and it's all your fault when it's not. You think because something isn't right or you forgot to do something or whatever and you're suddenly the worst thing in the world and you're not.

The only thing you are is just really, really stupid.

[She's right. He knows in his head that she's right. But it doesn't feel like she's right. What he knows and what he feels don't match up, and he never knows which is right.]

... I'm not stupid, Liz.

I wouldn't take responsibility if I didn't feel responsible.

You are definitely stupid. The most stupidest person I know. [and yes she knows she had grammar fail but not caring.]

The problem is you really do think you're responsible for a lot of things, so you take it.

[if she were a lawyer, she would say that logic is circular!!! but she is not a lawyer.]

I can't just stop feeling responsible!

No, but you could sure try feeling less of it and not go off into the deep end when things go wrong.

I can't do that, Liz.

Why not?

I just... can't. I can't change how I feel, and I can't change how I react.

Well I'm not asking for you to become Little Miss Sunshine.

[sighs.]

Look, all I'm saying is stop trying to take everything on yourself and stop thinking that because it's your fault you can't do anything or that you have to everything to make it better.

Because newsflash, you can't and you won't. And you'll just make yourself more upset. I've seen it enough times to know how that cycle goes.

It's not like what you were doing before really helped, right?

... I've tried, Liz. I can't just stop feeling responsible. I can't just decide that things aren't my fault.

Can you decide when things are your fault? Or do those just happen?

It's not random, Liz. I always have a reason. [Though if the reason comes before or after the guilt, or if it's proportional, is up to question.]

So you can decide when things are your fault but can't decide if they're not? How does that work?

.... It's just how I am, Liz.

[sighs.]

...Yeah. I guess it is.

If I could change, I would.

No one says you can't.

But I wouldn't want you to change too much. Just...enough to be less frustrating sometimes. Like right now.

[A sigh.]

I've tried, Liz. It's not enjoyable for me either.

[eases up a little.]

Yeah, I guess it wouldn't...

Still doesn't really help with your problem, huh?

No, it doesn't.

I'm sorry...I wish I had been there to help. If only I had stayed a little longer...

[and she feels bad to see him like this. especially when she had been there.]

Some weapon I am, huh?

It's not your fault, Liz!

I... I would have probably...

I'm glad you weren't there.

What?

You probably would have killed me, too? Is that what you're thinking?