dear_mun | So unhappy in Bete Noire

I'm planning to be there, you know.

We can...talk, if you like? You'll never find me saying that the City is anything but cruel, but... there can be a kind of solidarity in it.

I need to talk to someone. I know that. But I'm kinda living in a state of denial right now.

I miss him so much...

...Who? It's- it's okay if you don't want to share. Sometimes I think it's easier to talk about things, though, in this in-between place.

Otherwise...denial always feels so much safer.

I kind of like denial, to be honest. One of my many flaws.

I'm told it's one of mine, too. Not by anyone here, of course. There isn't anyone left who knows me well enough for that.

But the girl playing God and pulling the puppet-strings insists we have that much in common. Given that I have her to blame for...well...for everything, I don't know why she thinks I want her opinion now, though.

That happens.

But who knows? Maybe I could get to know you well enough someday.

I'm really friendly. And I do believe in angels. Always have.

[ she quirks her lip ]

I'm not sure if I do. I suppose that's a strange thing to say -- I know what I am, after all.

I just... I just don't understand if I have a purpose any more, or if I ever did. And- and well... isn't that supposed to be part of it?

In my experience, you kinda have to make your own purpose in life.

But, uh, you probably shouldn't take the advice of a monster. I might taint you or something...

Do angels, though? I thought Heaven was meant to be purpose enough.

I don't really know what you mean when you say you're a "monster." You aren't human, but neither am I. And if being dead is enough to make a person a monster, then lost souls are monsters as well -- and i don't believe that either.

That's kinda refreshing to hear.

And I'm also glad you don't think I'm the messiah or something (even if my Mun things that's a totally hilarious idea).

[ a small smile ] I do what I can.

I don't really know what I think of Messiahs, either. They're mostly before my time, as a concept. I...fell...before I was old enough to understand it.

Well, I can't explain them. Wouldn't dream of trying.

Tell me about it.

I mean, I know you probably don't want to even hear my name, so...

Actually, probably you shouldn't.

Doesn't matter what I want to hear. I hear it anyway.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's not your fault I wear my heart on my sleeve.

No, but... it's not your fault, either. None of this is.

Yeah. Well.

[She pauses.]

I wish you could hear the things they're saying about me at the party.

Me too. It's just... I need to be in a place I'd believe them.

I'm not sure I even believe them anymore.

I've started having this fantasy. I'm not proud of it. I just think about you showing up on the porch...that stupid, stupid porch where all the things happen. On your knees. Just begging me for forgiveness.

Does that make me a bad person?

No. It makes you... well, human.

[That gets a laugh.]

Oh yeah. Sure. Now you notice.

Well, anyway. It's okay. I met a guy and, and I think he's gonna make it stop hurting so much. Something about voodoo? I dunno what that means.

Diana.

Please. I know you have no reason to listen to me, but... voodoo is never a good idea. There are always consequences. Always.

You're appealing to the logic of an innately illogical and heartbroken female.

Did Dean teach you nothing?

Dean doesn't deal much in heartbroken females. He's usually gone by then.

Unless you're referring to him as the illogical and heartbroken one. In which case, yeah, I guess I should know.

You boys are special and different.

Anyway, it's not like I'm gonna know about the voodoo thingy. If you think demons are manipulative...humans are worse.

Isn't it sort of hypocritical of you to say that categorically?

You'll eat those words someday, Winchester.

At least humans have the capacity for something different. If they didn't, there'd be no reason to fight demons. No reason to even try.

Yes. Humans are supposed to be the good guys.

But they aren't. Not always.

Which isn't to say I don't have faith. I try to have faith. In people. Good people. Like you.

No. Angels are supposed to be the good guys, and they don't give a shit. Humans are the ones with a choice. The way I see it... demons and angels alike want to take that away. That's what we're fighting for.

What we're fighting for?

Me and Dean. I mean. I think it is.

You should probably suss that out.

I hate to break it to you, but that's what this demon's been fighting for. For a long time.

I didn't mean you. I didn't even mean vampires. I meant demons, as in, those from Hell. Specifically.

Oh.

I don't know that that's fair, but you know more about this stuff than I ever will.

Maybe it's not. And I haven't gone through this yet, but I do know that it was thinking about demons as if they *could* change, and have other motives, that got me in trouble with Ruby.

I get it. I do. But...

God, I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop missing you.

I miss you, too. Standing outside of things, they look different. I know that's no excuse, and you deserve that apology. I only hope I can give it to you one day.

Well. I guess that isn't really up to us either.

Story of my goddamn life.

Mine too.

Happy birthday, Sam. And...I'm sorry.

Yeah. Me too. And... happy birthday.

So unhappy in Bete Noire

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