voicetesting OC

[punkour]

That's it? 

Congrats, you got a fuckin' picture of me. You knew what I looked like anyway, I don't see the point, but you're the boss, apparently. The big cheese of the Alcatraz they call your head.

[cups hands over mouth and shouts]

3/10, I want a new prison guard, this one stands by as my virgin asshole gets pounded by Ted Bundy because he's too busy making up shitty usernames and playing in Photoshop!

Comments

[cyberglass]

Dude, you're rooming with Ted Bundy?

Nice.

[punkour]

Shit, yeah. Turns out he likes long romantic walks in the prison yard and playing bocce ball with the heads of his victims.

[then, with slightly less sarcasm]

There's no Batman in here, though. What a load of crap. If everybody's made up, you could at least give me the Green Lantern. Or somebody cool from Game of Thrones.

[read: daenerys. possibly jon snow. definitely not jaime lannister, who is creepy and needs to leave.]

[cyberglass]

Ew, you're fucking gross.

[ he makes a face and shakes his head before grinning again ]

I'm roomies with a bunch of lame-o's. Though as far as superheros go, I'm not minding sharing a bunk with Captain America. Specimen of human male perfection, for real.

Yeah, no, I also have Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the first of her name, Queen of the Andals, and Mother of Dragons. You jealous? She is pretty freaking sweet.

[punkour]

No fucking way.

Dude, I hate you so much.

But I dunno, Cap's not really that hot, there's better. I mean, I'd fuck Sebastian Stan all night, but not while he's wearing that stupid wig. Was he ever in another thing, where he wasn't all covered in makeup that made him look like a foot?

[cyberglass]

Yes way. This girl is on fire.

[ he clutches his hand to his chest ]

Cap's not hot? Are you blind, man? He's stacked like the pancakes your mama makes after you had your first big sleepover. Sebastian Stan looks like a foot because he's standing next to a god. Also, he needs to wash the grease from his hair.

[punkour]

That's your metaphor? Not 'stacked like buffs on an endgame MMO boss'? 'Stacked like a poker deck in Bellagio'? 'Stacked like a Jenga game where all the players are engineers'?

And there's no way that's his real hair. Nobody wears a haircut like that.

[cyberglass]

Stacked like your mom after I paid for her latest boob job.

You seriously have the worse taste in men out of anyone I have ever known, ever. Like, Erin has better taste in men and that is saying something, girl trades boyfriends around like baseball cards.

[punkour]

Burn. I'd be insulted if I'd seen my mom since I was like. Eight. She probably has a boob job, actually. Sounds like her.

Anyway, I automatically beat Erin because I have a type. Pretty sure she's trading just to trade. Or checking the dudes' net value on Ebay and throwing them back if they aren't near-mint or higher.

The dude from 50 Shades of Grey, even if the movie was shit. Colin O'Donoghue, despite the fact we may or may not be related. And Boone from Lost wins forever. You've gotta agree on one of these.

[cyberglass]

I would do terrible, wonderful, sinful things to Colin O' Donoghue. That man can plunder my booty any day.

[ he looks thoughtful for a second ]

I think Erin automatically beats us all because she's the only one interested in relationships and can actually hold them.

Let's see, my last relationship was two years ago and a huge fucking mess. Vince is gonna be single forever because he can't settle for less than perfection so he would have to date in the crew... but even then he has that dumb ass rule about dating someone you work with. Uh, Lew has an ex-wife that he bitches about but loves more than anything except she won't get back with him because of where he works. Malik has been with a few girls but they always falls through cause I think he gets bored or just won't put the effort in. And I still haven't figured out your fucking problem but I can tell there is one.

Wow! We are a group of loveless assholes, I'm not even surprised.

[punkour]

So what you're saying is, we need to schedule a weekly six-way, incompatible sexualities be damned.

Or five-way, I guess, if Erin's holding her fuckin' dating life together. Girls.

[you know what we're not talking about, Jasper? his complete and total lack of a relationship history.]

[cyberglass]

Fucking gross man, that's way too many dicks! And I would only want to bang like maybe two of them?

Yeah, Erin's not invited. No girls allowed cause they can actually function like real adult humans in society, amiright? With real grown up relationships and everything.

[ he almost mentions it but...eh, he'll let it go. asking neil about his love life is a minefield and besides, he's trying not to care anymore. so. yeah let's ignore that. ]

[punkour]

So, too many snakes for your plane.

Wait, me and who else? You've already denied you'd do Malik. Like eight times. And Vince--

Oh shit, it's Lew. You would do Lew.

[cyberglass]

You're sure assuming a lot thinking I would want your dick.

[ he lets out a loud laugh at the Lew part. god, neil surprises him sometimes. ]

I said I don't have a daddy kink but man, an uncle kink? Fuck yes. That man can take me to the ice cream store all he wants.

[punkour]

One, you managed to keep my dick in your mouth for like ten entire minutes, so you were a great fuckin' faker if you didn't want it.

Two, that's disgusting.

Three, it's an ice cream shoppe. With a pee-pee-eee.

Bugs cares not for your Fourth Wall

[shoulda_toined]

Protip, kid: If yer in somebody's headspace, dat means ya don't pass fer anything resembling "normal", because dat ain't da type dat attracts muns.

Doubly so if yer a custom model.

[punkour]

Yeah, of course! I got a 'Most Special' award in kindergarten, how'd you know?

[shoulda_toined]

Just a lucky guess.

[punkour]

Glad my man Bugs know what he's talkin' about.

Up high, dude!

[he puts his hands up for a high five]

[shoulda_toined]

(Goes for the high five, not caring if it's a ruse. Bugs doesn't mind the occasional bit of slapstick with himself as the butt of the joke.)

[punkour]

[surprisingly, considering how much of a jackass Neil can be, it's not.]

Yeah!

All right, you gotta tell me where Taz is at, he's the shit. We're gonna get Space Jam 2 going.

[shoulda_toined]

You tell me, bub. Dere ain't a lotta us Toons around heyah.

(light sigh) I haven't seen any 'a my co-stars fer such a long time dat I'm startin' ta miss Daffy, of all people.

[punkour]

Daffy? Oh man, this is serious.

All right, what can I do to help you find 'em?

[the enthusiasm is, once again, only slightly sarcastic. when you spend a lot of your childhood neglected, you get pretty attached to cartoons, all right?]

[shoulda_toined]

Ask around, I guess. But good luck findin' any Toons around here. Apparently, we're considered an "obscure series"!

(Scoffs.) Kids dese days.

[punkour]

Really? Fuckin' kids, I'm tellin' ya. Let me see if I can fill in for one of your buddies-- I'll roleplay. In the non-sexy way. Sorry, dude, you didn't feature in that part of my childhood. Or teenage years. I wasn't diddled, Bugs, cross my heart and hope to die.

Anyway.

[he curls his fingers into a fist and puts it up against his nose, flapping his thumb in a bad attempt at lip synch and talking in a nasal voice]

Hey, B-b-b-bugs, old a-b-b-buddy, how's it a-g-g-goin'?

[shoulda_toined]

Yeah, I don't think da Hayes Code would be up ta lettin' past dat kinda roleplay.

(He'll critique later. Watching a mun pretending to be a guy pretending to be some other guy is more interesting.)

Ah, ya know, da usual.