dear_mun | Star Wars AU: see journal for details. X-posted to dear

I don't.

Need more time, that is.

I'm ready.

[ Master Skywalker.

Uncle Luke.

Such familiarity there. Still so much regret. Now Ben is not sure he is ready to face him again. ]

I... I cannot hope to ask for your forgiveness, Master Skywalker.

You don't have to.

You're Ben.

[ At Luke's words, something inside him breaks a little. ]

But... the things I've done.

Kylo Ren tore this family apart.

Ben... I forgave my father. I can do no less for you.

[Ben can't believe he thought following in Darth Vader's footsteps was a good idea.]

I was just... I was such a fool.

You made a mistake. And you probably thought you had reason. The blame isn't all on you, you know. We missed something, along the way.

The thing about Han Solo is that, you can pretty much always tell how he's feeling or what he's thinking. You can see his heart, right there, on the sleeve of that old leather jacket that he's hung on to for a little too long. He's not ever been one to hold back what's on his mind.

Which is why, it's so damn weird to see him there, silent. He raises up an arm to scratch the back of his head, as if it could somehow jostle the words loose. He even opens his mouth to say something. ANYTHING. but no words come out.

He lowers his arm, clears his throat, and begins "you know, life is kind of like navigating through space." Those words come out in that voice that's so familiar to him, yet, rusty and heavy with age. "Sometimes you'll be going from one space port to the other and you can really enjoy it, because the trip is smooth and nothing gets in the way. Then there are the times, when nothing seems to go right, and you're just hoping to make it through someway, somehow."

"The thing is, no matter where you are, it's not to late to turn around."

Edited 2016-01-26 21:09 (UTC)

Ben had been told he might see people from his past, even people who are dead and gone. His father was not force-sensitive, so there was no way he could have ever appeared to him as a spirit as Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and even Anakin Skywalker had for Luke. But he knows his father is not a ghost - not exactly, anyway. The situation doesn't make sense, but he feels like he is seeing a ghost, nonetheless. Still, the knowledge that he might see Han Solo again hasn't prepared him for this moment.

His whole body tenses when he sees him, and his jaw clenches too when he hears that voice. It's been so long since he's heard it, yet it also feels like it was only yesterday when he heard it for the very last time. Guilt and regret come flooding back to him, as well as memories of flying with his father, all those years ago when he was only a child already tall for his age.

It's that last thing Han says that really makes his eyes wet, prickling with tears again. And also like the last time they spoke, he feels torn. Wanting to go to him, and hesitant to take that first step, knowing that he really shouldn't. Knowing he doesn't deserve this, not from the man who should have been so disappointed in him.

"I'm... I'm so sorry, Father."

His small voice breaks when he says that. The words sound hollow even to him. Meaningless now. Father. That was something he hadn't called him in a very, very long time.

No, Uncle Luke... I shouldn't have pushed you away. You were a good and wise teacher. Giving into the dark side was easy. If I had minded your teachings, maybe I would not have given in so quickly.

Ben...

The path to recovery doesn't lie in blaming yourself. I understand why you are, I really do. But understanding why it happened would help more than simply figuring out to where lay blame.

I appreciate your renewed faith in me. But it still remains... things went awry. I forgive this. But we both need to learn from it.

((As for the logistics of why they're face to face? I didn't really think that part out yet. Not dead. Vivid dream. Ghost. I'm good with whatever. Also yeah, I nearly cried writing that last tag too.))

If there's one thing in his life he feels qualified in giving advice about, it's turning around. He can think of several very important moments in his life where making a big turn changed everything. Going way back, literally as far back as he can remember, to his life on the Trader's Luck, when he made his escape from a cruel son of a zillo who 'adopted' him. The time he got himself thrown out of the imperial academy flight school, to help someone, who then turned into the best damn friend he'd ever have. When he turned those cards at the sabbac table and won the ship that taught him what the word home really meant.

Or, perhaps the most significant turn that he ever made ... when he turned the Falcon around to help in the Battle of Yavin. All the best things in life had something to do with a big turn. He can only hope that the same will come true for his child.

Maybe that's why it was so easy to get on that bridge. Because in his mind, he was one more turn away from making his family whole. And, before anyone says it was stupid for him to be on that bridge in the first place, he knew very well what could and ultimately did happen. He do it again a thousand times if it would bring Ben back to the light.

Anyway, those are the things on his mind as he looks back at his son. There is no point in trying to sort out where he went wrong any more than there is for Ben to dwell in the thing's he's done as Kylo Ren. Plus, if he's being honest, it just feels good to hear his son call him Father again. It feels like that hasn't happened in a very long time.

"I love you, kid."

Killing Han Solo had not done what he had thought or what the Supreme Leader had promised it would do. He had hoped to become stronger, to instantly feel that power flowing through him. In a way, he had felt a certain kind of power - the power of having someone's life in his hands, and of snuffing that light out himself.

But the act of bringing about his own father's demise had not made him feel stronger. It wasn't enough. Instead, it had made him weaker. He had very nearly buckled and fallen down to his knees on the bridge, his gaze following the path where Han's body had tipped over, disappearing into the abyss. Rey's anguished scream had been in the distance, heard but not totally comprehended. He didn't really even think about Chewbacca's painful yell, not until he felt the brutal sting of the energy from his bowcaster catching him in the side. Later he would remember that the wookie was a better shot than that, he could have easily killed him but he had not.

Maybe that had been the beginning of the end for Kylo Ren. The internal struggle had not ended there. Even as he fought Finn and Rey later, he still felt like he was being torn apart. She had nearly killed him, she should have had the chance. But again, she was the stronger one. Even as he was carted away to finish his training with Snoke, he had not been at peace with himself... and with what he had done.

Knowing all this, then hearing his father say those four little words he had taken for granted so many times in the past was overwhelming for Ben. Even if this was a dream, a vivid hallucination, or even if Han was somehow a ghost... the moment felt completely real to him. It was like something was switched over in him, and there was no stopping the tears that streamed down his scarred face. Closing the small distance between him and his father suddenly seemed like the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, but fear did not stop him. A few bursting heartbeats later and he had thrown his arms around his father, clasping onto his shirt too tightly, and burying his face in that vest he remembered so well. Sobs wracked his body but he wasn't embarrassed. It was an incredibly freeing moment.

[ Ben bowed his head, nodding. How long had he gone without hearing Luke's quiet wisdom? He felt like the young, eager student all over again. ] I understand.

Will you help me?

Will you train me again?

For an illusion, he feels awfully real. Solid. From the wrinkles in his off white shirt, to the smell of the leather conditioner on his jacket and boots. If it's a vision he's having of his father, it's been recreated down to every last detail.

Ben, is taller than his father, if only by an inch or two, but it's not as if he hasn't been full grown for a while now. His kid is in his thirties already. Which, makes him wonder where all the time went, for a moment. What really strikes him more profoundly, though, in this moment, is how small he seems right now. It feels like his son is still a boy.

So, he holds him. Tightly. It's a hug that makes the old man's ribs ache for a moment, but it isn't stopping him from displaying his love.

[She certainly didn't have a son last she remembered, but something about this man felt . . . familiar. In the same way that she knew, deep in her heart, than Luke was family - the same pull called her here now.]

[She observed Ben quietly, searching for something to say to him.]

You don't have to ask for something that's given freely.

[Her mouth was in a firm line, her brow furrowed.]

If people care about you, they'll probably forgive you, even if you don't forgive yourself.

The last time Ben hugged his father he had been a little boy. Though he's grown so much since then, and by his age alone now he most certainly an adult... he feels like a child again. He feels lost and confused, overwhelmed by feelings of grief, regret and yes, love. It's almost too much that his father would be willing to forgive him, not after everything he's done.

So if he holds on too long or too tightly, it's because he's holding onto his father for dear life. Han has become like his rock once more - his foundation, the guy he looks up to and wants to be like, just like before he had been pulled under into the dark oblivion. Ben doesn't pull away yet, but after a little while, his tears do subside.

"You can't stay forever, can you?" It's a stupid question of course, and his voice sounds so small when he asks it, but Ben wants as much time with his father as possible. He wants to take advantage of it, childishly wishes they could go flying in the Falcon again with Chewie, just like old times - just like nothing had ever changed.

[Ben wasn't expecting this. He had been warned that something like this might happen, but... she's just so young. She's the woman he remembers, the one who had raised him, and been so motherly.

She doesn't deserve this, not now, not when she still has some good times ahead of her. Good and bad, of course, because he knows he caused her so much grief. Caused both his parents so much heartbreak. ]

If you knew the extent of what I had done... I do not think you would be so quick to say these things.

[ Though he is hesitant and keeps his distance, his voice is not threatening or unkind. It's wary, though, and uncertain. ]

[Leia regarded him silently for a moment, her face impassive. She wasn't one to easily show emotion, even if perhaps this man was deserving of it. She could and would not offer him forgiveness or consolation because it was not her place to do so - or so she believed.]

I know a man who committed horrible deeds. He slaughtered and terrorized entire systems. He tortured his son and his daughter.

Despite that, his son forgave him.

[ Ben knew who she was talking about, of course. He knew the story well, even when he had refused to believe the truth that Darth Vader had given in to the light side. He had still followed the belief that it was Luke Skywalker's fault for turning him, and it was his own duty to continue his grandfather's unfinished business.

What a fool he had been. ]

And what about his daughter? Has she forgiven him?

((Happy belated!! Or upcoming, if it hasn't yet happened!! I'm taking 18 credit hours at school this semester so slow tagging is actually very welcomed. Also, I'm up for the occasional AU or flash back thread if you are, but for some reason, I feel like this should be somewhat self contained. That's the way the muse seems to be pulling me for this thread, anyhow.))

As Han stands, he slightly eases his hug. Not let go, mind you, but easing up just a bit. It was instinctual for him to grab his son, when he reached for the embrace, but there's something more to it that he can't really wrap his head around. As if the younger Solo somehow anchored him and without Ben there, he would surely drift away.

Tears start to well in the old man's eyes when he hears the question. Somehow, even though he has little in the way of answers, he knows that the answer is no. He can't stay for ever. In fact, the way he feels suggests that he won't even be able to stay too much longer. Gently, he rubs his kid's back. A slow, drag of his hand against the fabric of his shirt. A part of him might try to claim he was comforting the boy, but the truth of it is ... he's trying to make himself feel better.

"I don't think that's how this works." He says softly.

There's a lot of things that Han wants to say, but, he was never the best at being honest with people regarding his feelings. Nor, at any point, was he the man people lined up to for advice. He did observe some things in his lifetime, though.

For instance, he got to see first hand what the Skywalker name did to Leia and Luke. It's like they felt the weight of whole worlds on their shoulders sometimes, between his uncle's attempt to restore the Jedi Order and his mother's desire to see democracy reestablished. Perhaps, Ben felt it too, when he tried to reconcile his place in the family legacy. Han knows that his son is going to have a hard road in front of him, following his life as Kylo Ren. With a lot of people doubting his effort and sincerity.

"You should remember that you're a Solo and what that means." He says as his voice drifts off. For a moment, he takes the time to appreciate what that means in his own mind. "That means, you never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do."

Because, you can't let them tell you odds, now, can you? Not until after you've done it.

It's better to just get it over with. Doubtless we'll both be rejected, but at least then we'll know where we stand in regards to something.

Edited 2016-01-30 01:23 (UTC)

I... didn't know there were more of us. Me.

But you're different, aren't you?

By 'us', I assume you mean those of us who didn't stay Kylo Ren. So by that definition there is more of you.

But the ways we got off that path were different, yes. I handed Han- Father, my lightsaber. I take it that isn't how this story goes for the vast majority of those with our names here.

[That was the question, wasn't it? Could Leia forgive Darth Vader for what he'd done?]

[No. She would never forgive Darth Vader.]

[But she could forgive Anakin Skywalker.]

She never really had the chance to. If she did - she would say she would forgive him if he truly sought forgiveness and truly wished to make amends.

A person can never erase his past crimes. But he can atone for them.

That's not even a question, Ben.

Then answer has always been yes.

[Ben almost wanted to cry he was so relieved, so overcome by emotion that Luke would forgive him like this.]

Thank you... Uncle.

[ Ben nodded earnestly. ]

I wish to make amends... like her father did. I do not know that I will ever truly deserve forgiveness after what I have done, but... I will do whatever it takes to atone for them.

Forgiveness is always deserved if the repentance is true.

[She gave him a small, encouraging smile.]

[It's not that there's no sorrow, for the things which have happened. But Luke would always rather have Ben back, than wallow in that grief without even the possibility of redemption. Rejecting him now makes Han's death all the more meaningless.]

Always, Ben.

Even as Ben asked that question, he already knew the answer. Han Solo was dead and gone, and nothing could bring him back to the living. But as he held on fast to his father's shirt, clutching at him as if to keep him there... he had a sense that the old smuggler was at peace. Maybe that was just him trying to make himself feel better, but he thought it was true. Still, there was nothing he would not have done to keep Han there longer, even if it meant giving up his own life force. Of course, that was impossible, but he loved this man that much.

It was probably good that he didn't see his father cry, for that would have just had his own tears flowing once more. But at Han's words, he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself with limited success. Neither of them were great with feelings - Ben had given in to all that anger and hatred inside of him, that fire stoked by Snoke when he was yet a child. Now that he felt an overwhelming flow of love and gratitude to his father... it seemed like it was too late.

At least he had this one chance to say goodbye. Perhaps things around here weren't as bad as he had initially thought.

Ben looks at his father and listens to his advice, trying to memorize everything about this moment, and the sound of Han's weary voice. It made him smile, just a little, though it was bittersweet. He admired his father more than he could say, more than he had ever said, and he wished not for the first time that he had told him this before.

"I will," he says in response, sincere in his words. "I'll... I'll try to make you proud."

He felt proud to bear the name Solo, anyway. And, there was only one last chance to say it, at least to whatever apparition Han Solo was at that moment...

"I love you, Father."

.... no.

I killed my father. I do not hope to seek forgiveness from my mother, but... I will do whatever it takes to atone for my crimes.

To help the Resistance in any way possible.

I'm sorry. I know how powerful that urge was. It was the most Dark Side energy I'd ever felt. I can't imagine how hard that must be to live with.

Mother will forgive you. That will take time, but it can be done. Her heart is bigger than you know, than I knew. Part of atonement is facing the people you've hurt the most. I won't lie, it's a grueling task... but it will bring you peace, and peace furthers your Light Side connection, your power, your ability to help the Resistance.

I will aid the Resistance how I can as well. Including setting right the first wrongs I did.

Star Wars AU: see journal for details. X-posted to dear_player.

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sobs quietly in the corner

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He REALLY wanted Ben to hear the last part ...

don't worry, ben is totally FINALLY listening to him for once!

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pardon my lack of icons; still on the hunt!

this was my bday week, so i fail at tags sorry!

you're forgiven for bringing his mamma! albeit his YOUNG mamma lol.

lol mom thought Luke was the only one who had to do this forgiveness business

welcome to the family, leia!

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Hello fellow AU!

Oh hi!

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if only they had normal welcoming parties

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Star Wars AU: see journal for details. X-posted to dear_player.

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*sobs quietly in the corner*

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He REALLY wanted Ben to hear the last part ...

don't worry, ben is totally FINALLY listening to him for once!

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pardon my lack of icons; still on the hunt!

this was my bday week, so i fail at tags sorry!

you're forgiven for bringing his mamma! albeit his YOUNG mamma lol.

lol mom thought Luke was the only one who had to do this forgiveness business

welcome to the family, leia!

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Hello fellow AU!

Oh hi!

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if only they had normal welcoming parties

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sobs quietly in the corner