dear_mun | re: tanagura. and this week's episode of days of our touchdowns.

[LONG SILENCE]

Well, that's heavy. [a beat, and he continues, blithely:] So, hey, now that his tantrum's over, I'm still expecting those icons and that application. Any day now.

C'mon. [vaguely gestures at mun????] He expressly told you to fuck off. Just saying.

[It's Travis. It's their Travis, the one he remembers and the one who will remember him. That mention of Yao cinches it for Jesse, who is looking at him like he's a ghost back from the dead - and he is, isn't he? In a way. This is a startling reminder of all the people they left behind, something he tries not to think about in order to live day-to-day without losing his mind.

He swallows thickly. That's not mist in his eyes. It's from the dust in the air, okay. (What dust?)]

Jesus, Travis, you got a chance to get outta that storage bullshit? You should take it. S'all I'm gonna say.

[It's not like he's one of the ones who misses you, jerk!!!]

There ain't one. At least not now. I doubt I'd take it if there was.

[He's a liar, and a bad one, too: it's true that there's no exit for him after all, but what he wouldn't give to get one. And a clean slate of those last few months in that damned place, while he was at it.]

If I bust out, I bust out, but I wouldn't count on it. [Or on me.] Don't you have anything better to do than this sentimental shit, Jesse?

[He doubts he'd take it, and even though Travis is a shitty liar, Jesse bristles. What about Wade? What about not lying down and giving up? A nervous lick of his lips signals his discomfort at hearing it as nonchalantly as it was delivered to him.]

Yeah. I do. [Preceding a big exhale.] For the first time in forever, I do. Is that what you wanna hear? How we all moved on and everything's fuckin' peachy?

[~~Peaches. Rare shit.~~]

I mean, what the hell's the point a' you runnin' your mouth if you don't give two shits? What're you doin', man?

Maybe it is!

[Even Travis knows he sounds like such a child right now, but he feels cheated, feels fed up. If he made trouble for everyone while he was in Haven, why is whatever specter of him that's left still hanging around them all?]

Things just got worse when I actually tried, so maybe I'm supposed to sit here and do fuck-all.

[It's Jesse he can lash out at-- not Wade.]

What's the point, huh? If you just do things and nothing even happens, what does it even mean?

[Wade can't remember the last time he's seen Travis like this; had the chance to speak with him like this. It feels like it's been eons. It feels like it's not real. He painfully swallows a lump in his throat; blinks the sudden strange blurriness out of his eyes, and prepares to bury his feelings under a nonchalant, off-color joke.]

Maybe you should, um. Ask that asshole of a puppetmaster to just take you off the fucking roster, then. Instead of just parading you around like a goddamn show-pony every time she gets a wild hair up her ass.

[That... was not a nonchalant, off-color joke. What the fuck, Wade.]

[Maybe he's a glutton for punishment, or something, because that's exactly what he was hoping he'd hear.

And it stings. He's so used to being the one left behind, rather than the one who's gone-- if he just restarts, just runs, just drives everything away because there's no way to kill his way out of this situation--]

Yeah. [There's an audible falseness to his voice: he's not intending sarcasm, but the words feel so insincere that it's a step away from it. He doesn't really mean what he's saying, but it feels right. Right? It's for the better, right?]

Might be nice to get a real retirement. Or somethin' like that. You got other places to go, other shit to do.

Heh. Fat chance. My dear ol' string-puller keeps wanting to keep me around. You know, draw out the misery as long as she possibly can.

Wish she'd just cut the cord and leave me to gather dust on the shelf too. Shit's gettin' old, and I'm tired of bein' dragged around by the dick.

[He pauses. There's no burning behind his eyes-- he's imagining things, obviously.]

Tired of the way she's makin' me chase after your sorry ass, too. I mean, talk about pathetic. Fuckin' sadist.

Edited 2015-09-02 22:12 (UTC)

Then forget about me.

[Travis' answer comes more harshly than he'd intended. He hadn't meant to snap at all, but the words are already out of his mouth. The momentum keeps coming.]

C'mon, Wade! You're like me, aren't you? We lose people all the time in this line of business. And I didn't even die. Yao just put me away.

[Travis recalls himself pulling Wade out of a dark, cold maze, recalls Wade seeing a little girl die and coming completely apart at the edges. The memory still scares the hell out of him. The man has lost too much, but surely, just one more-- if it's just Travis, he can get over it. ]

Not like I was helping the cause at the end all that much.

[He swallows the lump in his throat hard. Odd, that after spending so long wanting to be remembered, he's begging to be forgotten.]

How about it?

Fuck you.

[Wade voice is low and raw-- little more than a growl. His hands clench into fists so tightly that the leather of his gloves gives a loud creak of protest. It takes every ounce of effort in his body not to storm over to Travis and deck him in the face.]

If you knew anything about me-- anything-- you'd know that I can't do that. Don't you think I've fucking tried? Don't you think I've tried everything-- booze, sex, assassinations-- to drown out the memory of your ghost?

[He takes a few stiff, angry steps toward Travis, pointing a finger right in his face.]

That's what you are, Travis. You're a fucking phantom, haunting my every step. All of you are. Clem and Jessica and Al and Abel and Caterina and... [He breaks off-- his voice has become dangerously close to wobbling. It's a good few seconds before he finds the control to speak again.]

An' you know what? None of it matters. Doesn't matter how drunk I get or how much sex I have or how many people I kill-- when it's all said and done and I'm alone with my thoughts, you just come racing back. Reminding me of what I've lost-- reminding me of how much I failed. And the worst part isn't even that you won't leave me alone-- it's that part of me doesn't want you to leave me alone.

Because as twisted as it is, as fucking agonizing as it is, this is all of you I have left!

[Wade comes out of his white-hot rage to find that his hands have now fisted themselves in Travis's jacket. The anger fades from him, slowly; causes him to slump, as if it were the only thing keeping him from coming apart.]

I... I can't get you out of my head, Trav. I don't wanna get you out of my head. Because if I lose that, then I... I...

[He cuts himself off before he can say any more; before he can embarrass himself any further. It's shameful, getting so worked up over someone he's probably never going to see again. It had been months-- wasn't the pain supposed to fade after a while? His throat tightens painfully. He can smell the leather of Travis's jacket, Travis's aftershave; that fucking stupid hair gel. It's making his eyes burn; making his chest ache.]

...Fuck.

If you're stuck in a place you don't like, kick the goddamned door down. Or dice it up, whatever.

[While raising her brows, Shinobu shrugs in an exaggerated fashion. She knows it's not that easy, but it still wasn't going to damper her spirit.

But after a sigh, she shakes her head with the faintest hint of a smile.]

For the record? If someone feels the need to say they totally don't give two shits about something, that pretty much means they give a shit about something.

[Shinobu goes in a reflective pause, for a moment, before continuing.] You shouldn't lie to yourself, 'cuz you regret that kinda thing later.

Hey! Just 'cause you're a canonmate doesn't mean you can--

[....treacherous mumbling WHY IS HE SO TRANSPARENT.]

I hate to say it, but I can't... [ugh!!!] ...fix this one with violence.[Travis cringes, half-exaggerating the disgust (not fixing problems with murder?!), but his manner turns sheepish and he eases up, shoulders sloping downward in resignation.]

Besides. I fucked myself over even if I could make a way back. [Travis scoffs.] How's that for some deep, introspective bullshit? I'm my own final boss.

Ugh, one of those situations? [Sure, the work involved with being in the Red team made her evolve into being smarter about how to go about things, but she still vastly preferred to slice up a bitch.] That really blows.

[Stoically, Shinobu folds her arms, glancing over his expression as she waited for him to finish. In a sense, she could relate – she started out wanted vengeance for her father's murder and eventually found herself resorting to helping destroy other planets to get what she wanted. She was far worse of a person that jumpstarted this whole deal, but the difference was that she really had no regrets.

At least she somehow found a greater purpose through it all.]

Either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain, huh? [She huffs, briefly rolling her eyes.] Come on, get your shit together. If you don't like how you are now, you work yourself to the goddamned bone until you become who you want to be.

[That's... unexpected. Come to think of it, she looks different too, a little older, a little more focused: what the hell has Shinobu been up to while he hasn't been paying attention?]

Nice work, Grasshopper. You gonna stop calling me Master now or what?

[Sardonic remark or not, he exhales and takes a sudden great interest in the empty space to his right. She's staring at him a little too closely for his liking, and he's finding it hard to match that gaze.] You say that like it's easy. Lemme put it this way: I screwed up in a way you can't un-screw, and now that I'm gone I'm still a fucking problem. What the hell do I do with that?

[It's actually hard to embarrass her, but that's enough to cause an uncomfortable eye shift, followed by a subtle face twitch.] C'mon, that was over a year for me now. I know I fucked up there.

[Even with a pretty big ego (that she had managed to reign into a less self-destructive level, after failing a test fifteen times that focused on that particular weakness), she still saw the worth of self-criticism as well; she learned from her fuck-ups.

Granted, she was still pretty damned embarrassing toward the next guy.

But weirdly, this all tied into the next statement anyhow. A couple of years ago, she'd never think she'd find herself in this situation, but with as many "pull yourself together" rants she had to go through with members of her unit, this has all weirdly becoming a second nature for her.]

I never said it was easy. I mean, it took me this long to get this awesome. [She forms a smirk; half of it was a joke, half of it was truly believing that she was actually that cool.]

You don't have to apologize for what you did, whether it's to yourself or someone else, but you've got to find some kinda way to come to peace with it.

[She suddenly stares at Travis with a weird sort of intensity. For all she knew, maybe this was the one chance she'd have to try to right the one, tiny regret she had hanging in Santa Destroy.] Maybe you can't un-fuck things... but that's okay. You just can't let yourself wallow for it. I can't tell you how, but somehow you need to find a way to become a better person for it.

[How ridiculous. She still had too much pride to directly apologize for pretty much forcing herself on Travis. But, it still felt like she could push that regret further back in her mind.

Shinobu then suddenly looks a little annoyed while she folds her arms.]

God, when did I start making your kind of dumbass speeches.

This freezer you speak of is quite the metaphor. I'm almost a bit sorry that my dear puppet-master bullied yours into forcing conversation.

[this isnt what i wanted............]

It's not a metaphor. You're there too-- a different you is, anyway.

[he pauses. if travis touchdown isn't gloating at henry cooldown, there's a real problem here.]

I'm sorry.

Well, being frozen isn't anything new for me, I suppose. Other-me can probably deal with it.

[yeah that is a problem. the usual banter can't flow if travis isn't himself...]

You're sorry?

Yeah. You didn't have to get caught up in all of this shit.

[Give him a moment, this still feels weird.]

...Now, now, Travis. No sense in getting sentimental about it now. Wipe those little baby tears, yeah? I'm sure other-me is taking it in stride.

[you know what he's just not gonna tell him anymore. GUESS WHO DOESNT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.]

I'm not crying, dickhead. I'm just saying you didn't need to be involved.

If the protagonist doesn't have his foil in whatever setting he may be in, what is the point of my existence, honestly speaking? The 'other' Travis is probably still in Santa Destroy, seeing as I'd only just seen him a few months ago. It's a universal constant. There's no getting rid of me, little brother.

You're talking a lot for someone who insists that he doesn't want to say anything. What's the matter, getting cold feet about being dead and forgotten in some freezer?

Nah. I'm good. But I LOVE knowing that Yao's probably using your frozen ass to chill their beers!

[because spite outweighs guilt any day tbqh.]

Hate to break the bad news to you kid, but I'm very much alive and unsuitable for chilling beers- hard as it might be to believe, even my powers have limits of the non-freezing type.

[Man, what did this other him do to rile up some dead guy in an icebox, anyway?]

[WHAT INDEED.]

[Does this look like the face of a monster to you?]

[It will when Wade's done with it]

[That would be a major problem, of the kind where no adult version of Hyoubu exists who wouldn't kill someone aggressively coming at him for no reason at all.

Come on, Wade. It's rude to assault the elderly!]

[what if he's being assaulted by the elderly though

also you can't kill him

respawn lol bitch]

[Well that's-

That's cheating! And shoo, he's got a world to save and has no time to deal with whatever his actually villainous alternate self did, go take it up with him!]

[...Oh. It's a different one.]

This alternate universe shit is really tripping me out.

You're telling me- it was good for a laugh, though. [There's like two other AUs of him so it's not like Hyoubu's really surprised he managed to royally piss off someone in some other place.]

What happened to you anyway? [What he really means is "Why do you think I'd be frozen too?", but acting like he actually cares might get better results in this case.]

What happened to all that fightin' spirit?

[another shit disturber, but this one has better intentions. probably.]

Here I thought you'd be the type or person to go down kickin' and screamin', but I figure everyone's gotta' lose steam sometime. You're not dead and you wanna' give up, is that right? There's absolutely nothin' you can do, huh? You fought hard, you did your best, you tried...

That what you wanna' hear, Touchdown?

[shaking his head with a blasé wave.]

Fuckin' pathetic.

Edited 2015-09-03 14:39 (UTC)

For someone who is supposed to be dead, you really do take it in stride.

[ Is she being sarcastic, who knows. ]

re: tanagura. and this week's episode of days of our touchdowns.

and because i was cyberbullied into posting travis but still need to voice test

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[1/2] i'm sorry

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1/2

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"I don't want to talk about it" he says spilling the beans to Shinobu LMAO

She has a way of unintentionally making people spill the beans, haha

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I am so sorry

DONT BE

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/not here

/Also not here

/still not here

/Definitely not here

/most assuredly not here

/There was not a person here

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idek what i'm doing okay