dear_mun | On Babou {voicetesting eek}

I have no idea what to say to any of that, but my mun wanted to comment and tell your mun this is awesome.

Neither do I!

Nothing about this situation is "awesome", but I'll let her know that.

She just kinda dragged you out here, huh?

Yes.

Dragged is a good word.

I was supposed to have new pins put in my leg today, but somehow she managed to find time between eating cold ramen and "shitposting" on social media to interrupt my day.

Well, you're probably stuck here then so you may as well make the best of it. My life actually turned out a little more awesome when I got here.

So far.

[She's convinced the mun is going to fucking ruin it.]

"Awesome" isn't a word I'd use to describe any of my encounters with Archer.

I meant if you met anybody else.

...although, is he here? Because that yeah, would definitely suck.

Excuse you, Barry. I'll have you know Babou hounds me for ear rubs and - ocelot treats.

-when he's not pissing and-or shitting all over the carpets.

And-or clawing my suits.

Have you seriously managed to convince yourself of that, Archer?

And let me just get this straight. Just to make sure I'm clear on this. You let this ocelot urinate all over your suits and claw them to shreds, but I tear your sleeve trying to hold on for life and you let me fall two stories, shatter my femur, and sustain a severe concussion.

Okay, one, you are not an adorably-spotted feline native to South and Central America with beautifully tufted ears. Two, you're fatter than you look. Seriously, look into WeightWatchers. Or - work out. Do whatever people who suck like you do. Three, you got better. -you nancy.

[A beat, as he takes a drink of his scotch.]

Oh, and four, that was a $300 tear and I had to ship it across the Atlantic to my tailor. Which made it, like - a $500 tear. Cash, assdouche. Give it to me.

Edited 2015-08-03 22:36 (UTC)

[ You!
Don't let him get to you, Barry. Just - don't let him get to you. He's pathetic.
Grits his teeth. ]

Are we really having this conversation again? Are we really?

First of all, I am not overweight. I'm 183 and about five pounds of that are two steel rods you are the reason I had to get!

And speaking of which, if we're going to settle the score, you owe me 16,834 dollars, Norman. Surgery is a lot more expensive than you appear to think, dumbass, although I'm not particularly surprised, given that marginally functional alcoholism typically does involve memory loss.

[ Like he doesn't drink every day. ]

Edited 2015-08-03 23:09 (UTC)

[A wide-eyed guffaw, in the space of a single exhale. Archer pulls out his PPK and shoots a crude smiley face into the wall right above Barry's shoulder.]

I'll have you know I'm on the high-functioning end of the spectrum. Dickweed.

Well, that answers a few lingering questions.

You think you have reasons to hate him? You haven't known him long enough to have hate dibs.

He broke my leg, Lana!

Why won't you just transfer to ODIN? You'd have a great office, you'd be paid a lot more, you'd be working for a legitimate agency, and you'd be 3,600 miles away from the asshole and Malory! [ Even though that distance miraculously still hasn't kept Archer from continuing to ruin his life and cause him quite a bit of physical and emotional damage... ] The job's still open and Trexler's still willing to give it to you. And, obviously, I'm still willing to have sex with you.

It's a pretty good deal, if you ask me.

[ Why she even deals with Archer and his alcoholic, emotionally detached mother in the first place is a mystery to him - dragged back into the tar pit of incompetence that is ISIS over and over, maybe. ]

Yes but you never slept with him or were in a relationship with him. believe me, I would take the physical scars and pain over those memories.

[Why does the offer have to sound so good? Her own office, with a view. She could afford a great place, hell they were going to get her a great place before, with a servant! She'd never have to see Archer or his umbilically connected mother ever again. She could flourish and have a job with a real agency that had a good reputation and connections and...oh god their armory... it was like some sort of kama sutra of weapons.

Lana groaned and rubbed her temples.]

Gee, thanks Barry so nice to know you're willing to take one for the team like that.

[ He couldn't argue with that. The sheer thought of having to have sex with Sterling Archer was enough to make him cringe - sure, the object of something like 90% of his hatred was an objectively attractive guy, but it was probably no stretch to assume that he'd be even more selfish in bed than in his day to day life.

Which was pretty goddamn selfish.

No amount of sexual attraction could ever, ever overcome his hatred for the bastard, and he was honestly surprised that interacting with him on a daily basis didn't bring Lana to that point before the trainwreck that he could only assume was their relationship. Still, at least she seemed to finally be over him. ]

Hey, you know I only have your best interest at heart.

Also-- definitely not cringing at the thought of having sex with you. Cringing at the thought of any sort of physical or emotional intimacy with Archer. [A pause, before he added rather smugly:] Although I'm honestly not sure if he's even capable of the latter.

I have asked myself that same thing about a million times. He's still connected to Mallory by the umbilical cord. He wanted to argue with her on speed dial while we had sex once, way to freaky for me.

[But would having sex with Barry be any better? He was as obsessed with Archer as Archer was with himself just for different reasons.

Then again, that office was pretty much an orgasm with hard wood paneling and a mahogany desk. The apartment was bigger than the top level of ISIS, and ODIN did have an amazing benefits package.

Ok, so the idea isn't 100% offensive to me.

That's what I like to hear. [ A slightly smug, although not disingenuous, smile crossed his face - he knew she'd come around to it if Archer and his wretch of a mother weren't there to screw it all up again. ]

So. I figure we could get it done here, maybe on the desk - then work out the details over dinner and first thing Monday morning you call Ms. Archer and her creepy son to tell them the news as you wait for your direct flight to Paris to arrive at the LaGuardia Airport.

--you'll be riding first class, of course. [ Were she already working for ODIN - or any legitimate agency - it wouldn't even need to be said, but something told him that was she was likely pretty familiar with economy seating. ]

[She made a sound that might almost be orgasmic, not at the idea of sex with him but the flight to Paris, first class. Mallory never would spring for anyone else to fly anything but coach unless it was her. How Archer managed to slip all those upgrades by was anyone's guess.

She could have a whole new life, be a respected part of a legitimate organization with actual funds and ties to government agencies that weren't just handwritten notes made up in a bar.

And the armory, she could only dream of the weapons she would have access to.]

I need to think about it, but it's not a bad deal. The sex isn't negotiable?

[ God, that sound. He can only imagine -- well, for right now. Soon enough he won't need to.]

Nope.

Lana, please. What is there to even think about? It's all to your advantage. But, if you must - let's keep out little deal away from Malory and her weird son, yeah? They don't need to know 'til you're on that plane.

[ A smug smile rises to his lips at the mental image of the old hag's face upon hearing that news. And Archer, who is clearly still pretty dependent on her, will obviously be a pathetic mess. This really just can't get any better - unless that bastard somehow manages to fuck it up again. ]

There's a lot to think about. I've worked here for most of my career. I've made friends and,[Ok now that she thought about it there wasn't a lot of friendly things that went on. Her co-workers had infuriated her, stolen from her, treated her with contempt, insulted her and made her life twice the work.]

On second thought that's not a great reason to think about it. But there are others, like my life here and my plans. It isn't something I can just drop everything for and walk away. Plus the lease on the apartment, my car, those kinds of things.

[Not like she couldn't get new stuff in Paris. Paris she could eat breakfast in some small pretentious cafe and be served by some small pretentious Frenchman.]

[ 'What life here? What plans?', he almost asked but didn't. Be patient, Barry. ] You do know that you can just cut it off early and ODIN will pay the termination fee - right?

Same with the car.

[ Although he had never transferred agencies - he was recruited to ODIN just a little over a year after his graduation from Harvard Law - Barry had still spent the majority of his life in America and had admittedly been a little homesick his first fall away from the Northeast. It was nothing, however, that hadn't quickly faded away, and he was sure that it would be the same for her, if not quicker - money talked, as did power, and she was one of those people with a keen ear for both. ]

Besides. You already know me, and you kind of know Len, right? It's not like you'd be alone.

On Babou {voicetesting eek}

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