Dusting him off and voicetesting him after many years

[actualroyalbastard]

Ah, that username. Maker, you're hilarious. But just so you know, you aren't the first person to make that joke. And sadly enough, neither was I.

I am not some forgotten toy you can just pick back up from a dusty shelf. Remember that Blight we're supposed to be stopping? No? Grey Wardens, darkspawn? Backstabbing, king-murdering teryns? Does any of that ring a bell to you? Because I'd very much like to get back to all of that.

Well... not really, but I have to. Responsibilities and all that, but I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about those, now, would you?

Now, if you'd be so kind, I'd very much like to go back to my own life. I had a nice, squalid tent to sleep in and everything. Really, it was very quaint.

Comments

[wintersgrasp]

The tents aren't that squalid. And apart from the threat of darkspawn attack, or bandits, or being dragged in by traitorous teyrns, it can be quite nice, camping out under the stars...

[ At least it's not the Circle. ]

[actualroyalbastard]

Hmm. I do believe your tent is nicer than mine. But you're absolutely right. When there's time to enjoy them, the stars are quite lovely. Enchanting, even.

[wintersgrasp]

Are you suggesting I got preferred treatment? Or just that you'd like to sleep in my tent? [ Tease tease tease. ]

I like the stars. The sky is very... big. Free.

[actualroyalbastard]

There are certainly worse fates, I'm sure. A stampede of nugs, for one. [ Classic Alistair, trying to play off his blushing ears with humor. ]

But... yes, I can see why you'd like them so much. Perhaps we should take more opportunities to watch them. Together, of course.

[wintersgrasp]

A nug stampede might be almost as adorable as you when you get flustered.

[ Not that she's much better. See that smitten grin? That's all for you, Alistair. ]

I'd like that. We could take watch together.

[actualroyalbastard]

Yes. Well.

[ He clears his throat, desperately trying to take her attention away from just how flustered he is. ]

I may have some difficulty paying attention to the stars if we did that.

[wintersgrasp]

And why is that? We'll know if darkspawn are nearby, and I can put wards around the camp.

[actualroyalbastard]

There are other things I'd be content to stare into for a few hours. Hopefully, without drooling, because that would rather ruin the mood.

[wintersgrasp]

Oh.

[ Damn her raised-indoors-extra-pale-complexion. Damn it. ]

I could kiss you if you think that might help. Prevent drooling, I mean.

[actualroyalbastard]

Well, it would certainly help. I imagine it would do you wonders, as well.

[ Ah, now the shoe is on the other foot. Revenge is so very sweet. ]

[wintersgrasp]

Think you're that good at kissing, do you?

[ Of course, she thinks he is, so it's not really much of an argument. ]

[actualroyalbastard]

Well, to my knowledge, nobody's complained yet. Unless you care to lodge one, in which case I'll consider my fragile, manly ego rightfully shattered.

[wintersgrasp]

No complaints to lodge, but I think it does require more, ah, testing.

Before I can give you a full evaluation, of course.

[actualroyalbastard]

A "full evaluation," you say? Sounds rather thorough. I suppose anything worth doing is worth doing well, though.

[wintersgrasp]

It's very important to be thorough. It may even need to be repeated.

[actualroyalbastard]

And now it feels as if my ears are on fire. Why bother using all that magic to fight darkspawn when you could just fluster them to death?

[wintersgrasp]

I save that for you. I wouldn't go out of my way to fluster just anyone.

[actualroyalbastard]

And I consider myself rather fortunate in that regard. But you have to admit that it's rather effective.

[wintersgrasp]

I'm glad of that. I wouldn't know how else to win your heart.

[needsbees]

Do you always complain this much?

[actualroyalbastard]

I'll have you know that I am exceptional at complaining. And you never know when a good complaint will come in handy.

[needsbees]

I heard you were better at walking in to bear traps. Oh complaining is all good and that, but if you don't do anything about it then you're just whinging.

[actualroyalbastard]

You step in one bear trap and you never hear the end of it! Who who told you about that? It was rather embarrassing, not to mention painful.

[needsbees]

[Give her a minute, shes a bit busy giggling at you.]

How do you miss a bear trap anyway? They ain't exactly small.

People tell me things sometimes, sometimes they don't know I'm there when they're telling old war stories. Or was it when I asked about you the one time... Either way it's a good story. Makes you likeable by people. Keeps you from getting face arrows or buckets on your door.

[actualroyalbastard]

Yes, well... it's good to know that I'll be remembered fondly, at least. "Here lies Alistair, Grey Warden, tragically murdered by a bear trap. At least he was likeable."

[needsbees]

You'll be know as the Bear Trap King, they'll sing songs about it and do little plays on your birthday. Kids going "aaarrrrgh my leg!" wearing little paper crowns.

You don't die by the way. Least... I don't think you do. Kinda fuzzy on that. Blight gets stopped though. Archdemon gets arrows to the face.

Leliana doesn't talk about it.

[actualroyalbastard]

And just how is it that you know all this?

...You know what? Never mind that. I'm just happy to know that my beautiful face remains completely arrow- and bucket-free, the Blight is stopped, and paper crowns for everyone.

[needsbees]

It's been like ten years since then for me. There's probably Bill shot time magic nonsense going on though.

Psh, your face ain't pretty. Too much manly going on.

[actualroyalbastard]

Ten years...? Well, it's good to know we save the day. "Yay, Alistair! You didn't get yourself impaled on some blighted creature's blade!" kind of pales in comparison to "Archdemon gets what's coming to him."

[hewhohuntsalone]

[ with a slight hint of facetiousness ]

How naive of me, I thought that Grey Wardens were above the responsibilities of common-folk.

[actualroyalbastard]

Well, considering that Grey Wardens give their lives so that common-folk aren't skewered by darkspawn, I suppose I don't understand the confusion.

[ And now he's getting defensive. ]

[hewhohuntsalone]

Ah, yes, the noble battle against the darkspawn at any cost. How could I forget the sporadic attempts Grey Wardens make as their single contribution to life mired in secrecy from said common-folk.

I suppose we should all be grateful that the Wardens decide to help at the very last minute.

[dalectable]

You wriggle around too much to let the dust gather.

[actualroyalbastard]

I do always enjoy a vigorous wriggling. ...Did that come out wrong?

[dalectable]

Just pretend it was intentional. You are an expert wriggler, after all.

[actualroyalbastard]

Completely self-taught, too. Bored, young templars-in-training do a lot of wriggling, apparently.

[dalectable]

Did you do the 'screaming bloody murder' thing at the same time?

[actualroyalbastard]

Yes, I did, in fact. Thrashing about does make a good, terrified scream seem more convincing.

[dalectable]

Strange - it seems as though you'd run short of breath in such a position.

... Though I suppose that would explain your stamina in the long run.

[jarnsida]

( Admittedly, most of what's referenced here flies completely over Bjorn's head due to a serious lack of context. But the general tone taken here is amusing to him, at least. )

You might get what you want if you tell your writer what they'd like to hear. And smile. They like that. ( Not so different from girls, actually. It's handy! )

Though you've mentioned tents. Is your kingdom at war?

[ben_theultimatepro]

[ What appears to be an ordinary modern-day businessman approaches. ]

Eh, I wouldn't worry too much. Things like this usually work out better than you'd think. This one time, some old guy suddenly ran up to me, gave me some sword and told me "you must stab this into the demon king's eye or we shall all perish!" So I stuffed it into my pack - [ he mimes pushing something into his forehead ] - and then I just kinda forgot about it and left that universe for one that wasn't quite so shit.

Well, long story short, the other universe killed me a couple times so I headed back to that first universe to see what other routes I could take from there. Turns out, it had been a year since I was last there, and the demon king in question was right in front of me! So I stabbed him, he died, and all was well. And only one kingdom had been turned into an inhospitable hellscape in the meantime! So I wouldn't worry too much about your world, you'll probably still save at least some of it when you get back, and that still counts as saving the world.

[neria_surana]

[She feels sorry for him, she does...]

Muns seem to have a wicked and dry sense of humor more often than not. But there is no need for helping in the slander upon yourself, Alistair.

But it can't be so bad being brought out, at least you have company?

[actualroyalbastard]

I was quite comfortable saving the world, honestly. Or helping to save the world. Maker knows I certainly wouldn't be able to handle that on my own.

[neria_surana]

I understand that. Saving the world seems far less complicated than the messy web of situations that I am put into now. Do you know if there are plans for you, yet?

[witch_thief]

And to think, I'd thought I finally gotten rid of you. Now I get dragged back, and here you are. And actually talking about killing darkspawn, looking forward to it? My, you have changed.