i don't even know

[drunksniping]

So what is your plan then, hm? To send I, Alfred Ashford to some... fanciful land of lunacy and degenerate hijinks?

The thought of mingling amongst the swine and vermin of this universe is enough to make me retch. Why on earth would I wish to flounce about with the filth of other lesser universes as well?

Don't make me laugh.

Comments

[hospice]

You think yourself above the sewer...

What you don't know is that you tread in it as well.

[drunksniping]

Oh dear.

What on earth happened to your face?

[ cue: crypt keeper laughter ]

My, my, my! What an unfortunate miserable little man you are! Ho!

[ clears throat ]

Vacate these premises instantly or my sister will be very cross with you. And I simply cannot stand for that.

[hospice]

[ah... he too has a sister.

smirks.

turns around, hospital gown-hoodie swishing dramatically, and walks through a wall.]

[drunksniping]

[ tries to sneak in a headshot before ruvik vanishes

stumbles down the stairs.

and misses. ]

[hospice]

[walks out of another wall atop the grand staircase and stands on the banister.]

Intoxicated fool. A cockroach drunk on your own fumes.

[drunksniping]

WHAT did you just have the audacity to call me?! How DARE you!

[ blindly attempting to reload here, clumsily fuddling about with the gun ]

You--YOU hideous abomination! Take that back this instant!

[hospice]

[makes the staircase warp around and the lights/chandelier/candles/whatever flicker. scary.]

Hm.

[amused.]

Maybe you'll dance for me...

[drunksniping]

[ alfred winces at that irritating bit of commotion and racket but alas, this is the great rockfort island. ]

Cease these childish shenanigans this instant! I... I fear my poor sister is suffering! All because of you, you insolent wretch!

[ ah yes here we are, reloaded and.

fires again.

misses and shoots out a window. ]

[hospice]

[teleports despite the shot missing.

blips up into his face.]

Do tell.

[drunksniping]

[ bashes a snowglobe that he procures from his pocket????????????? upside ruvik's face ]

DOWN BOY!

[lumpawarrump]

HRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHRRRRR!

(translation: why would it wanna make you throw up? you're not sick, are you, mister??)

[drunksniping]

Oh no.

[ that might be some actual vomit in his mouth. ]

There are no words to describe what I...

[ what is he looking at. no this won't do at all. fetching the older rifle and going to try and take care of this pest problem. ]

[lumpawarrump]

(wow, lumpy thought humans were weird but this guy takes the frezgel!)

RRRRRAAAARRRRR! RARRAAA RRRRGH!

(translation: woah! that's so cool!

lumpy's never seen a laser sight before so he's going to try to catch the little red dot even though it stays in one place hovering over his forehead. silly dot!)

[mammonite]

Yeah! You tell 'em, pal!

Men like us, we got standahds.

[drunksniping]

Men such as myself have standards, yes. Of course. I am of royal blood, after all.

You on the other hand... mm. Well.

[mammonite]

...Well, what? Ya sayin' I ain't got any room ta talk or somethin'?! Ha! Now dat's rich.

[And being super rich himself, he would know.]

[drunksniping]

Wealth. Something you, I'm sure, would know nothing of based on those... filthy peasant robes you're sporting.

[mammonite]

Peasant robes...?! Peasant ro - ?! Lookit dis!

[He points down to his feet.]

Crocodile shoes. Designuh. Same with dese. [He gestures to his pants.] 'N dis. [His shirt.] 'N dis! [He tugs at the lapels of his jacket.] 'N dese here, too!

[He pulls his aviators out of his breast pocket, flicking them open and slipping them on with a smarmy little grin. Le epic cool guy pose.]

So yeah. I beg ta diffuh, pal. Aha. Ahaha! I mean, lookit you. Ya look like ya just stumbled off da set a'da friggin' Nutcrackuh.

[drunksniping]

[ alfred curls his lip. each word this cretin speaks is like sandpaper to his ears. ugh. ]

Oh no no no! Hold your tongue, rat!

This is the attire of an esteemed official!

[mammonite]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I getcha.

[A dismissive flap of his grubby little hand.]

We all saw Amadeus too, y'know!

[He tilts his glasses down along the bridge of his nose, leering crudely at him.]

So what'sa mattuh, Wolfgang? Huh? Yer powduhed wig still at the cleanuhs?

[drunksniping]

I beg your pardon?

[ don't talk to alfred about wigs, ricardo ]

Quite honestly, I haven't the slightest idea what you're referring to. My entire life has been relentlessly dedicated to a career, an education, a cause. It's quite likely, I didn't have the time or the interest in viewing such rubbish!

Believe me when I say that using sickly little mice such as yourself as my own personal living breathing pin cushions proved to be far more entertaining! Hohoho!

Now, would you mind holding still for a moment? I do love plucking the legs off of insects and your associate down there has inspired me to do just that!

[mammonite]

My associate...? Y'don't mean -

[Waitasecond. Wait a second.]

Sonova - H-Hey! Hang on a second, mistuh! [Grubby hands grudgingly raised. Gulp.] I dunno what all he toldja, but -

[silveraged]

That's an elitist sort of attitude to have. From anyone else's perspective, your world could be the lesser one.

[drunksniping]

Implying that anyone else's perspective is of any concern to myself. How precious!

[pathogen]

Making friends already, I see.

[drunksniping]

More like attempting to ward off these tirelessly persistent and horrendously socially maladjusted neanderthals. Then again, what else is new?

Oh, and Albert! Would you mind telling me who this hideous creature is? I'm assuming he's one of yours.

[pathogen]

If you assume he is one of mine because he is disposable, then you would be correct. Otherwise, I have had no direct dealings.

[drunksniping]

Ah, WELL then. Please take it upon yourself to find some time and directly dispose of him.

[pathogen]

[......................................are you like giving him an order rn]

My schedule is full up. I will leave that mess in your capable hands.

[drunksniping]

Swanning about private property and poking your nose where it doesn't belong I presume! While you're here, I am sure that you sir, are more than capable of taking out your own trash.

Just don't let yourself get caught in my crosshairs along the way, ohohohoho!

[ he might trip and miss or something it would be catastrophic ]

[pathogen]

[alfred you couldnt hit a barn, let alone the broad side of it]

Swanning about... I understand if you are afraid you might miss such a target with that exquisite rifle of yours. After all, he does have legs and can use them.

[drunksniping]

Aaaaaaaaah, and you would know a thing or two about being off the mark so to speak, am I right? Ohohohoooo... [ tapers off whoop time to take another drink ]

Keep surrounding yourself with such sinfully incompetent colleagues my friend, and you will almost certainly meet your permanent death any day!

[pathogen]

[FUNNY YOU SAY THAT..........]

On that, we can agree on.

[drunksniping]

Agree, perhaps. Relate, oh heavens no. No, Albert Wesker [ -rrrrrrrr. drags his name out for way too long ]. I haven't obtained quite the track record you've managed, yet.

[ perks of being a socially maladjusted basement dweller that nobody likes ]

[dreyrugr_barneska]

Oh please, with the vermin and swine is where you, Spencer, your sister and Wesker... wait no with the swine's too good for the likes of you lot.

[ Mun is so sorry for this Birkin spawn really... ]

[drunksniping]

[ deadpanning. deadpanning. WAAAAAAAAAAAIT.

his sister? oh no you did not go there girlfriend. ]

And you would know a thing or two of our ilk, wouldn't you, little girl? A tragic accident such as yourself surely has some experience in our field of expertise.

[dreyrugr_barneska]

[ Hell yeah she went there, she still remembers her father's Rants about how annoyingly 'perfect' the company thought Alexia was. She could probably still recite the rants verbatim at Alfred, but naw not worth it. ]

Seen more of it up close an' personal than I care to thank you. Though the target practice is always good, and the more freaks your kind make, just mean the more of a work out I get. Girl's gotta find a way to keep her girlish figure when she's married to a great chef after all. But then again that would be below your standards right? No wonder the higher ranks of the company are so fucked up, all the inbreeding.

Yep, glad I ended up leaving that community the day my pairents bit it in Raccoon. I'd rather not be a company whore like she is.. oh wait make that was, she had death by 'Flamethrower' Redfield didn't she? too bad they missed you in the cross fire.

[ Mun is face palming really... ]

[drunksniping]

It must be such a pity that the only reason anybody will remember or care about you is when they think of your parents, their work, and what they did to you.

Though, a little bird informed me that not much changed for you after Raccoon City, did it? "National Security Advisor" of the United States of America, really. I suppose that's as good of a cover as any but hoho, I like to be a bit more lavish in my approach.

[dreyrugr_barneska]

Yeah, I'd rather just fade into the background than be remembered as the youngest survivor of Raccoon thanks. Besides I like my job. And actually I am working with the government to fix the messes you assholes, collectively, made. Makes me feel better about my gifts.