CL4P-TP | CLAPTRAP (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
robolution) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dear_mun2015-01-12 12:58 pm
robolution) wrote in dear_mun2015-01-12 12:58 pm
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(no subject)
Mun! Great to see you! Y'know, I'm kinda surprised that few others play me, seeing as I'm now on the top three most popular character list - and I'm playable! And extremely attractive! I thought billions would be running to grab a piece of this fine tailpipe, but no! Just you!
If I sound pleased about that, it's only because this is my default tone of voice! I'm actually extremely depressed!
So, what now? Are we heading into the filthy, disgusting smut corner of the internet? Because that is highly relevant to my interests. I want hot chicks! Hot chicks with guns! Hot chicks with really low standards who won't call me a creepy little robot when I dry hump their leg! Maybe even hot chicks that'll let me touch their squishy lady boob parts. I like those.
Uh, what were we talking about, again? All I can think of are squishy lady boobs, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing to think about, it does mean that I have an antenna boner which will not go away until I find myself a hot chick. Go forth, minion, and procure me a hot chick! The hottest of the hot! Not literally, of course, because sweat is gross, but you get what I mean, right?
If I sound pleased about that, it's only because this is my default tone of voice! I'm actually extremely depressed!
So, what now? Are we heading into the filthy, disgusting smut corner of the internet? Because that is highly relevant to my interests. I want hot chicks! Hot chicks with guns! Hot chicks with really low standards who won't call me a creepy little robot when I dry hump their leg! Maybe even hot chicks that'll let me touch their squishy lady boob parts. I like those.
Uh, what were we talking about, again? All I can think of are squishy lady boobs, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing to think about, it does mean that I have an antenna boner which will not go away until I find myself a hot chick. Go forth, minion, and procure me a hot chick! The hottest of the hot! Not literally, of course, because sweat is gross, but you get what I mean, right?
claptraaap
No lady would let anyone touch them without at least one date.
bayo!
Well, hi there, pretty lady! I like your advice and your chest. Would you like you go on a romantic date with me?
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I'm not certain you have the traits I enjoy in a man. What do you have to offer?
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[ drop the bass. where is that dubstep coming from? internal speakers? the depths of hell? nobody knows. but check this fly robot. ]
It's one of my three prime objectives! The other two are-- Memory file locked. Huh. I don't actually remember! ...I feel a deep sense of sadness now. Or, I would, if I was programmed to feel human emotion.
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Before we go on with our little conversation, my robotic Cassanova, I need you to play the whole tune of that song.
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[ clappy's speakers have got some bass. who would've thought. ]
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Whoa, whoa! Dial it back a notch, my little robot Romeo! I think you got a screw loose somewhere in there!
[And, honestly, she kinda gets a kick out of it. But that's neither here nor there.]
Who exactly is gonna go for a pervy little toaster around here?
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Yours? I'll gladly be yours if you don't torture me for hours at a time! That was my last gig, you know. He'd put red hot pokers in my eye, rip off my arms and beat me with them - it was really awful! But luckily I'm not programmed to feel pain. Well, I feel it psychosomatically, but I don't know if that counts.
[ he's got more than one screw loose. more like a dozen or so. ]
Uh. Ladies with incredibly low standards?
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[Which, now that she thought about it, might actually be kinda fun to see. Y'know. Talkin' purely hypothetically, here.]
And I dunno how low y'can go before you start hittin' bedrock, bucket-brain. Pretty sure most of us go for the "not-a-robot" type.
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[ please love him. he's so alone. nobody comes to his birthday parties. ]
I am also not a bucket. You seem to struggle with vision, do you need help? I can organise a meeting with a fantastic surgeon back on Pandora who'll get you a brand new pair of eyes, so then you wouldn't be making such obvious mistakes!
And all I ask in return, is that... you dance with me.
[ wub wub. activate seduction mode, subset song and dance. ]
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UGH, would you shut that crap off already?! Download some real music!
If my ears start bleedin, I'm gonna make sure you learn to feel pain!
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Fine. Geez, some people have no rhythm.
[ beep, time for a genre shift. ]
Better? This music doesn't survive in the future, but I don't mind listen to the vintage stuff for you, Blue.
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...okay, I'm a reasonable person, I can understand- we all got limitations. Yours is not havin' a decent set of tunes to pull from. But luckily for you, my little one-wheeled simpleton, I can help with that!
[Don't worry buddy, she's only gonna ease on over toward ya so she can grab hold of that adorable, boxy little head...body...thing you got goin' on there, and set about hijackin' your systems. Trust in the lightning hands! It'll be okay! Probably!]
Now hold still, so the all-powerful Mistress of the Airwaves may enlighten your tiny robot mind!
[Running might be good too, though.]
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I actually have no problem with this! Please feel free to fiddle with my wiring to your hearts content, pretty lady.
[ if he actually had a face, he'd be grinning like a jackass right about now. instead, he's just kinda... weakly rolling his single wheel in excitement. this is the best day ever - even better than that day he found a new vault hunter friend! ]
And if you want me to return the favour, I have several highly stimulating speed settings! Oh, uh... Was that too soon?
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[What's that feeling? That's the feeling of getting hooked up to a high voltage power circuit again! Mostly because Sparky here conducts all her electronic meddling that way. For better or worse.
Usually worse]There we go! Congrats short stuff, now you got some real tunes inside that boxy body of yours! Now how's about we take 'em for a little test drive?
[Mostly to see if she did it right, and the robot's not going to crash or explode or anything. And because if she did do it right, well, she has an ego to feed]
oh my god
he has to share a headspace with nisha, it's awful
[ rollin', rollin', time to beat up jack! ]
Your doom is here, Handsome Jack! Feel true pain at the ends of my death handles!
[ poke. yeah. poke poke poke poke. ]
i'm so sorry nisha
oh dear lord it's touching him.
he literally had to miss deactivating the ONE unit who makes jack want to take one of his own hyperion pistols to his head and--- ]
Get your grimy little scrap metal paws off me! I swear to nipples!
[ he's gonna catch some horrific freak disease. somehow. or get tetanus.
yeah gonna settle on.
attempting to punt it.
right in the wall sphincter. ]
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the jabs continue, feel the pain claptrap has felt through his entire life! feel the pain his product like felt as they were destroyed!
oh god what don't punt him what the fu--
he's not as dense as he looks so jack's kick actually manages to make him fly a few feet.
now he's crying.
you made the robot cry, you jerk. ]
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actually that felt kind of good. heck, that felt really good.
why didn't he try this sooner! that was like... therapeutically cathartic!
then comes the waterworks. oh. god. it's sniveling and whining and--eeeeugh no thank you!
time to kick it again.
which means that jack is just. stomping up to a crying robot and attempting to beat him senseless with his foot. ]
When I'm through with you here, you will never dance again! Did you hear that [ kick ] you pesky [ kick ] little [ kick ] sack of crap! NO MORE [ kick ] DANCING!
[ handsome jack aka humanitarian of the year. ]
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he revs his tiny wheel in a (hopefully) semi-threatening manner while jack stomps on him, crying and whining like a puppy. which, considering it's handsome jack doing the stomping, probably isn't a comparison that'd draw any pity.
why was he psychosomatically programmed to feel pain? ]
Nooooo! [ not his sweet moves! how will he charm the ladies without them?! ] I will dance again, Handsome Jack! I will dance like never before and you will know true fe-OW. Stop it!