Voice testing!

[dr_jan_itor]

[Standing next to his cleaning cart, mop in hand, using a nasal British accent.]

Well, 'ello, Mun! Mundane, that's what they call you back in the States, I assume, but we English are always in a hurry, so we shorten the word. My goodness, where are my manners? Name's Nigel, pleasure to meet you.

[Extends a hand to shake.]

Well now. I'd better be off. These floors won't mop themselves will they?

[Turns around and takes a few steps away; looks back to see if mun is still watching.]

Alright, run along now!

Comments

[toadthejanitor]

Do British people really sound like that to you?

But it's...it's nice to have someone else on cleaning duty I s'pose.

[dr_jan_itor]

Why of course they do! What do you think I am, some scallywag American punk trying to pull the wool over your eyes? I ought to be insulted, but I'm just too polite.

[toadthejanitor]

Nice try. Considering I'm from Manchester I think I'd know a real British accent. Even if I lost most of mine.

You Americans think all British people are polite. It's charming, really.

[dr_jan_itor]

[A sigh of defeat.]

Alright, you got me. But my parents really are from across the sea. Or they were. They both died of cholera on our voyage to the States. I was raised by two gay farmers.

[Gazes into the distance.] We were a great clan, the Sainsburys. Now I'm the only one left. Big shoes to fill, but sometimes I try to get in touch with my heritage.

[toadthejanitor]

[Unsure if he's being mocked.]

Uh...I see. Far as I know most Americans come from overseas. Not that I'm, uh, mocking your family. It sounds great, really. Must be nice knowing who your folks are.

[dr_jan_itor]

[He may recognize Sainsbury's as a supermarket chain in the UK, but if it helps, the Janitor does this to everyone.]

Oh, it is great. Course, sometimes I get homesick, but then I visit my dads and they serve me some old fashioned cornbread and kale and grits on one of their famous straw plates. They weave them themselves. Make a frankly startling amount of money off selling them. All from old straw. Who would've thought?

[Nope, not getting the hint that Toad may want to talk about his own past.]

[toadthejanitor]

I see.

[The American is clearly insane. But he'd rather listen than talk about his own life.]

You'd think straw plates would get rather soggy.

[Moment of silence]

So, er, are they treating you okay here Nigel? They give you a bed and everything?

[dr_jan_itor]

Oh, they do. But people don't know that 'till after they've bought them. Then they have to buy more. It's called planned obsolescence. [He jabs a finger out to put emphasis on the phrase.]

No bed, don't need one. I sleep upright, like a bat. Well, an upside-down bat technically, but you get the picture. How do you normally sleep?

[nooooo]

Are you a magical superpowered janitor?

[dr_jan_itor]

That depends. Do you consider this a power? [Thrusts hands in the direction of his cleaning cart. Nothing happens. Waits a moment, tries again. Nothing.]

Worth a try. I can, however, communicate with snakes. [(No he can't.)]

[nooooo]

I can communicate with mice.

[No she can't.]

I warn them away from snakes.

[dr_jan_itor]

Interesting. Fortunately my snakes live almost exclusively on a diet of squirrels. Did catch a beaver once, though. Man, that was a sight. You ever seen an entire 30-pound woodland creature swallowed whole?

[nooooo]

Only when I've been the one swallowing it. Does that count?

[dr_jan_itor]

[A look of mild surprise.] You are a strange one.

[Further contemplation.] I could use you. Would you like to join the Brain Trust?

[nooooo]

Does it involve actually swallowing beavers? Because I was not being serious about that.