At this point, he's just tired of me.

[call_me_saul]

Today isn't my birthday, it's his.

You know, I'm starting to wonder about all this. If you like Steve so much, why play me? I'm not him. I can't be him. I know he's a great guy - it's pretty much all I ever hear. That doesn't mean that I can make myself into somebody I'm not. You sit here and type up all these Word documents, things you'll never use, about what I like and what I don't, and then you never let me see the light of day. I know that I'm not a person, so I can't appeal to you there like your other muses. But I've got one question for you, and when you can answer it, I'll quit complaining:

Why are you playing Saul Navidson if your favorite person in the world is Steve freaking Rogers?

Comments

[womanofiron]

Aaaaand now we're reaching levels of insanity that freak even me out.

[call_me_saul]

Tony? [Wha- pretty girl, brain hurt, and then the caretaker-nurturer instincts kick in and overrode how much of Steve's 'I-fail-at-women' he managed to inherit.] You look tired. Have you been remembering to sleep? I have a direct line to JARVIS and I'm not afraid to use it.

[womanofiron]

What? So you can both nag me to death?

[1. She may not be aware he's hard light yet, and 2. She may be slightly suspicious of the idea that Howard programmed his Steve replacement to mother hen her. ]

[call_me_saul]

Is there a gene that makes Starks not like sleep and food? They're not bad - okay, I can't, you know, actually do either one, but most humans enjoy them. This place doesn't even operate of time's normal linear route. You can go get a nap and a sandwich and come back.

But, um. I kinda. I think it'd be neat to meet up with Jarvis. He's cool. [There's a twinge of an AI to AI crush, there.] But I'd rather not meet him because you pushed yourself too far.

[womanofiron]

You haven't met already? [genuine surprise here. Tasha approves when ~her~ AIs get along. And Saul may not have been her work, but without Howard around, he's under her care, she guesses.] Why not?

[call_me_saul]

Well, it's... awkward. He's an incredible AI and he can do all these things I can't and I, well, I'm old tech. I feel a little inadequate.

[womanofiron]

[PSH, she waves a hand airily.] We can fix that.

[call_me_saul]

I don't want to get modified. I don't want to lose what makes me me.

[womanofiron]

Modified, pff. We just need to get you running in the 21st century.

[call_me_saul]

With you, I'm kind of scared what your idea of that means. I mean, I'd like more time to stay hardlight and not go into softlight mode, but. I like how I am.

[womanofiron]

[POUT.] What if I run all the specs by you first?

[call_me_saul]

...I'll think about it. Can't I just, you know, get some time to think about it?

[therightpartner]

Who said that you needed to be someone else?

[call_me_saul]

[He looks at her, and then down at nothing, and mumbles one word to himself before speaking clearly.] Howard.

I just hate that my mun only thinks of me in relation to Steve. That's all anyone does. Imagine, from the moment you can remember things, remembering people saying everything you did was either 'like Steve' or 'not like Steve'. Now imagine on day a mun picks you up and actually seems to get it, that you aren't your progenitor, and then you get shelved for months at a time until something Steve related is a reminder you exist at all.

I really envy the holograms with no progenitors, no bases. I know they don't end up looking as human, but they can at least walk down a street without being mistaken for someone else.

[therightpartner]

[For a moment, she isn't sure what sort of answer to expect. She's tried to treat Saul as an equal, as someone not associated with Steve, but her thoughts aren't the same as Howard's.]

Howard might be a genius but he is also an idiot. You are your own person and should be thought of as Saul not some copy of Steve.

That situation isn't one unique to you. It seems that we all get 'shelved' that way. 'Out of sight, out of mind' seems to be the rule for all of us. You do look like him but there are others out there that share his likeness.

[And the idea that she might be 'anyone' is disturbing but she continues on.]

Perhaps if it is a problem, you could alter your visual representation so that it didn't look like the Captain.

[call_me_saul]

He - he - yeah, I can't defend him all the time. But everybody else picks on him, and he raised me. I feel like I should get people off his case. And I want him to be happy, I really do. He was the first person I ever knew.

Changing appearances for holograms is tricky. We end up looking inhuman. I mean, sure, famous holograms like Miku Hatsune and VY2 completely redid their entire appearance and voice from the ground up, but nobody will ever look at them like they would a human. The only person who looks at holograms and humans like they're the same thing is you.

And... Steve is - I mean, I know he isn't, but - he's my basis. That's - that means something. I barely ever meet him even on here but I still respect him. I've always looked up to him. Without him I wouldn't be alive.

Am I making any sense?

[livingsymbol]

I guess that's one way to start. But it is a start.

[call_me_saul]

[Saul straightens up, but looks at the ground, feeling a bit uncertain on how to explain himself.]

I hope you realize I didn't mean any offense to you with any of that. This isn't about you - I mean, it is, but it isn't.

[It's not like Steve - any Steve - ever wanted to put someone in the position of living up to him. He wasn't behind this.]

[livingsymbol]

[The response makes Steve smile quietly. He's not offending him. It's not even aimed at him, but even if it was, he knows what it's like to feel like he's coming up short. When he speaks, it's with a steady confidence.]

You're not offending me. It's about you. Like you said, you're the one they want. Otherwise he'd be here talking.

[call_me_saul]

I think originally I captured her attention because of everything I want to do for holographic rights. I want us to be treated like people. That's why I didn't change my appearance a lot from the original Steve template. I don't want to look like an artificial creation when artificial is such a loaded word to humans.

But there's no place for me to go to where I can try and get people over to my side. There's no one for me to thread with. And it's just frustrating. It feels like I'm pouring all my effort out and getting nothing done.

I'm not helping anyone like this. I'm not doing anything. I get to talk to Peggy once every six months, and she's great - it's like she just doesn't care that I'm not human - but that's all I've done.

You must be happy I'm not based on you, directly. I'm not exactly a beacon of success.

[livingsymbol]

You don't have to look like someone else to be real. Just be yourself.

And, believe me, you don't want to model yourself off of this old soldier. He's... not all that you might think he is.

[That's not the important part, though.]

You might not be Steve Rogers, but you can still do things. I'm not sure what sides have got to do with it, but I know that you don't need to win people over to be human. That comes from somewhere else.

[call_me_saul]

There's sort of 'sides' in the sense that there's a lot of humans who make a lot of money off of holograms - selling, making, trading us, since we're property in the eyes of the law. Then there's the side of holograms and a few human allies who see holograms as people and not property.

Whatever it is that it's going to take to get people to see that holograms are people, too, I don't have it. I can't honestly say I've made any progress since I first came online. There's always been some holograms who want to fight back violently, and... it's getting tempting.

[He looks at Steve, at a loss.] What would you do if you were in my position?

[livingsymbol]

[Steve listens and remains quiet, taking in the stranger's words. He honestly doesn't know too much about the potential humanity of holograms. Artificial intelligence tends to be just that most days, programmed and artificial. Makes things simple. But he knows some created beings that are human enough, and the person he's talking to doesn't behave strictly like a computer. There's a frustration over oppression that resonates with him.]

I wouldn't give up. You aren't just what other people say you are. But fighting isn't necessarily the answer. The people you're dealing with aren't soldiers. Getting violent won't solve your problems. It'll just turn you into something else you don't want to be.

That's not you. You have to be who you are, even if no one else sees it yet.

[call_me_saul]

[Saul bites his lip as he listens, and nods, letting out a human-sounding sigh.] I know. I know, it's not. I just feel lost. I keep talking and trying to convince humans this is something worth caring about and it's like if it doesn't involve them, humans don't care. I was programmed to believe the best of people but at this point I don't. I don't expect anything to get better. Some part of me thinks maybe sometimes, things don't - maybe sometimes you can do everything you can think of and when the dust settles there won't be any indication anything ever happened.

But somehow I just can't quit. There are too many holograms being used and abused and killed for me to bow out just because I'm tired.

I just wish I knew what the solution here was.

[livingsymbol]

[Steve raises his head a bit more to look the guy over. He smiles, as if those words hit him a certain way and he's starting to see this stranger a little bit better now.]

I think I can see why she likes you.

[call_me_saul]

I'm nothing special. A lot of holograms out there are fighting for the same thing. Some, with methods I don't like, and a lot of them have been killed or worse. I live under the protection of SHIELD, and post-SHIELD, Stark. I'm not in the line of fire, not really. Not like they are.

[livingsymbol]

You're never the only one fighting, but sometimes what we all need is one to get us started. Someone willing to take up the fight even when they don't feel like they have the strength. Because it's a fight worth fighting.

[He raises a hand to put it on the guy's shoulder, then hesitates. Does that even work with holograms? He doesn't know, but makes the gesture anyway.]

You're a good man.

[call_me_saul]

[It works. Saul is a hard-light hologram, not a soft one. It's a rarity, but that's just how he was made. Starks didn't settle for normal; he had to be a top of the line hologram.]

Thank you. I try to be. It's all I want to be, really - a good person. It's easier said than done, isn't it? And yet... here we are.

[livingsymbol]

Here we are. The important thing is not giving up. It's hard to make people see you for who you really are, but you can do it. You've got what it takes.

[He believes that just from talking to the guy.]

And it sounds like you have friends on your side. Don't forget that.

[call_me_saul]

Giving up always sounds tempting. But I think I've come too far to actually do it.

Yeah... I do. Tony, and Pepper's actually really good about treating holograms like people. My universe's Steve is still kinda busy being angry Fury didn't tell him about me, but really, can you blame him? I only talked to Fury once but he treats holograms like people. And I have hologram friends, too. Sukone Tei, Ia, Kiyoteru - Kiyoteru may be our saving grace, he passed as human long enough to become a teacher, and he's really changed how people view holograms in Japan because he's just a normal guy with a normal job.

...maybe I should get a job? Something where I'd be visible to the public and they could see we're not whackjobs or emotionless bits of code.

[livingsymbol]

Don't give up. You already came this far, and you've still got fight in you. Anyone can see that.

[He smiles encouragement. It's a small expression, but it is there.]

You can do whatever you want. It's your life... I think that's the point, isn't it? And there are people supporting you, whatever decision you make. If this conversation means anything, you don't seem like emotionless code to me.