on winning the fourth-character lotto for scorched

[hummel]

Dear, sweet mun.

I'm sure you think you've made the right decision. Oh, you're probably swanning smugly about in your poorly-matched knitwear from 2009, relieved to have finally come to some conclusion after all that tiresome angsting. But let me tell you one thing. I have no plans on abandoning my life in Ohio, not to mention my wardrobe of haute couture and my expensive skin-care regime simply for your entertainment. Because honestly, scary fog and Sean Bean? I saw that film, and it didn't end well! Not to mention, I don't think you understand what this will do to my future college prospects.

So all those pep talks you've been giving yourself? Stop them. You couldn't "handle my voice" if I recorded my EP and gave it to you for Christmas. I can tell at a glance that you don't have my encyclopaedic knowledge of fashion trends, and you certainly don't have the time to master my busy schedule. If I may attempt a football metaphor? I'd rather remain benched.

[ A grimace of a smile, patronizing. ]

I'm glad we had this conversation.

Comments

[colormeblond]

Hey Sean Bean's a selling point! He'll do the dying for everybody.

[hummel]

I'm not really used to living in an area where hoping someone else dies is a daily motivation.

[ SUDDEN AWKWARD PAUSE. Voice goes higher. ]

But - still, you - you certainly make an excellent point!

[colormeblond]

[He laughs]

Chill, dude. I'm sure your mun doesn't expect you to play the action hero. Try to think about it as - I donno - being an ambassador of fashion or something.

[hummel]

Hmmm. . . I do often feel a pressing need to educate through example. But I also feel a pressing need for regular personal grooming. It's a tough decision.

[colormeblond]

Start figuring out how to make the stuff - you can start your own company or something. End up owning the place.

[hummel]

Your faith in me is flattering, Sam, really.

[ Really. ]

Buuut I'm afraid my stance on the matter is unwavering.

[colormeblond]

One thing I learned from about a year and something up in this mun's head? When they set their mind to something - you better just kick back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

[thequarterback]

Um, Kurt? Pretty sure that Anatole has somewhere you can buy clothes and stuff.

[hummel]

Are you suggesting I unwind? You do realize that there's a fatal flaw to that plan.

[hummel]

Really? Perhaps I spoke too soon. Do they have a variety of labels?

[thequarterback]

[Oh Kurt. You're cute. You've seen how your step-brother dresses, right?] Uh, yeah. Totally. They've got good selections or whatever.

[colormeblond]

It's not that bad, you'll have Blaine, Rachel, Finn and Quinn. I wouldn't mind getting in on that.

I heard Rachel got an army to protect her too.

[hummel]

Oh, Blaine's there.

[ Not quite as debonair and carefree about that fact as he would like to sound. ]

But really, an army? You're making me feel behind on my gossip. Did she sing Les Mis or was it some sort of strange mirror universe in which she's Helen of Troy.

[hummel]

Finn. I need you to think carefully, because this is important. Can you name any of them?

[colormeblond]

I donno, dude. I'm living with freaking Sir Lancelot up here, and he's all about fighting for her honor or whatever.

[thequarterback]

[Blank, yet somewhat confused look is go] There was something with stripes?

1/2

[hummel]

Pinstripes? Jailbird stripes? Clown stripes? Mime stripes? Thick? Thin? Horizontal? Vertical? Pants? Top?

—Actually, don't answer any of those questions, it is clear to me that I am asking the wrong person.

[hummel]

Why don't you talk to me about how a ski vacation in a hell-hole will affect our chances for regionals?

[hummel]

I'm not one hundred percent up on my British royal family before the 20th century, but do you mean King Arthur's Sir Lancelot?

[tinkerbelling]

[ . . . ]

I am debating between singing One Short Day from Wicked or My Strongest Suit from Aida which you will have to sing with me because it fits you much better.

[colormeblond]

Yeah - that's the guy. He's a - real piece of - something.

[hummel]

Work?

[colormeblond]

-- let's go with that.

[hummel]

Is it the Emerald City, Rachel? Is it? From what I'm hearing it's revolutionary France.

[hummel]

Not to sound like a nerd, but I will admit, getting to meet completely fictional or historical people does sound like it might have its high points.

Even if they have chosen to join the incredibly implausible battle for Rachel's heart.