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[thestrugglewithin]

I'm not going to give up. She wouldn't want that. But I'm not... I can't...

[ Peter shakes his head, thrusting his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. He looks down and away from the sad eyes of his mun. ]

I'm not really ready to talk about her yet. Not with strangers around here.

Sorry.

Comments

[paved]

[ quietly ]
You know, I hear some are really great about that. The not talking about it with others thing.

[thestrugglewithin]

[Peter laughs just a little, but it's weak. It's really going to take some getting used to, seeing her around here. Her loss is still too soon, too fresh.]

Yeah. Well, you know me. I'm not much of a talker, anyway.

[paved]

[ there's really nothing she can say that won't change the fact she's gone. it's something that time is going to have to heal. still, a laugh is good, that's something. gwen laughs a little too, wondering if this is doing more harm than good. ]

Yeah. But you've been known to do some babbling -- cute babbling! -- but babbling. I've seen it. You'll be able to do it again. But..maybe not right now.

[thestrugglewithin]

But the cute babbling, you know, it gets me out of difficult situations. It's my superpower.

[ He smiles, too, glad to be able to see her again, even if it's temporary. But he's afraid to reach out and touch her, afraid she'll disappear. It's not long before his smile, and his voice, are both breaking. ]

I miss you so much, Gwen. I'm... I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have let you come. I should've taken you away somewhere safe. Your father warned me, but I wouldn't listen to him. I couldn't stay away... It's all my fault.

[paved]

It's a good one. A really good one. You have to hold onto that one for me.

[ is hesitant to touch him, to remind him that she isn't going to be there physically, with him, anymore. and does it hurt? in a sad little way, yes. more for what it's doing to him, than herself. she doesn't regret following him to the plant but..this is how life is sometimes. gwen just hopes that he at least heard her speech by now. by the sounds of it, maybe he did.

the familiarity of touching him wins out. it always does. her hand is solid as it goes for his, squeezing. here at least, he can feel it. ]

Peter. [almost scolding] What did I tell you about choices? That was my choice. None of that is your fault. I know it feels that way but it's not and..I for one am really glad you did that.

[tries to laugh again]
The big note-thing? I loved it. It was great. All of that. I never wanted you to stay away. I don't think any differently now.

[thestrugglewithin]

[ He's glad she made the move, and his fingers close instinctively around hers. It feels like a lifetime since he did something so simple as hold her hand. Peter wishes he hadn't taken that for granted, wishes they'd spent more time together.

Even now, he winces a little under her scolding. But it's hard to agree with her, when he misses her with every fiber of his being, and he can't help but wonder about all the what if's and should have's. He had been thinking every single one of them since visiting her grave so obsessively, since the moment of her death. It's so easy to give in to all that guilt again... but hearing her laugh helps. Even if this isn't healthy, he's ready to say goodbye again just yet. ]

God, you're so perfect. You were perfect without me, and maybe if I'd just let you go... you would've been in England, making everyone jealous with how smart and how perfect you were.

[ He smiles a little, sadly, and feeling more confident now, he reaches up with his free hand not holding hers, and cups his hand around her cheek. ]

I'm Spider-Man. I was supposed to save you. What good am I if I couldn't even save... the perfect girl I loved?

[paved]

[ they're warm and tight and it feels like minutes before she felt them. he was warm even in that goofy spandex and still peter. except now their paths really are diverging, in some way or another, but maybe not entirely. maybe there will always be a place he'll keep her, just like this, in his heart.

her laughter is a bit watery. ]

So corny, Peter. If I was perfect. Which I'm definitely not. But you know, I think a part of me was hoping somehow, that you wouldn't let me go. So I can't say I would have been too happy if you changed plans, what with, you know, adding to the corniness but having a pretty great boyfriend.

[ her cheek easily fits in the palm of his hand, still smiling, one of her quieter smiles, a little sad. her other hand cups his cheek in response.]

I made a choice. That had nothing to do with you being Spiderman. You're Peter Parker first. You couldn't have known any of that would have happened. And if there's anything I do know, and have told you before is that you're good, Peter.

[thestrugglewithin]

[She feels warm and real in his hands, too, and even if this can't last, he wants to make the best of it. Peter wants to re-memorize everything about her, and hold it with him forever. He doesn't think it's possible to forget her, but he's afraid she'll slowly leave him anyway, no matter how he tries to hold onto her. His mun has mentioned how he'll meet another girl and fall in love again, but he doesn't want to, because how could he love anyone as much as he loved Gwen? He doesn't want to think about any of that now, not when he's got Gwen here with him.

He gives her a lopsided little smile, and shrugs a shoulder slightly.]

Corny, what? No, the big-note thing wasn't corny. It had to be big to get your attention. Sometimes I gotta make things really big for you or else you wouldn't notice. Like how much I... how much I love you. Now that's pretty big.

[His smile fades a little again, though, and it's hard to keep from tearing up. He shakes his head, before leaning his forehead gently against hers. Gwen even smells good, like she always smells, and he wishes he could somehow keep her like this forever.]

How am I supposed to be good without you? You help me, you keep me good, Gwen. You help me make the good choices.

[spider_kisser]

Is there...anyone else in your life you can turn to? You have your aunt, right? And more people who like you, I'm sure.

[thestrugglewithin]

Yeah, Aunt May, she's um... she's here for me. She understands, we've both lost people who are close to us. Uncle Ben, my parents... it just feels like I lose everyone who means anything in my life. [He sighs, absently raking a hand through his hair.] I lost my best friend, too, when I lost my... when I lost her.

[spider_kisser]

Hey, it's okay. You can say how much she really meant to you.

[puny_parker]

It doesn't really get better, but it does get easier to bear. Not much consolation, but knowing me, I don't think there's much that would be at this point.

[thestrugglewithin]

That's... not very comforting right now, but um, thanks.

[He blinks.]

So you're... you're me, huh? Like, a way older me.

[puny_parker]

I'm pretty sure being in my late twenties does not count as way older, thanks.

[thestrugglewithin]

Oh, wow, hey - sorry, man. You just, um... look kinda... older? Than me, older than me.

Guess you're a different version of me, though, huh?

Same Spidey, different journal.

[arach_nerd]

Definitely different. My parents were CIA agents, for starters.