CANON IS THE FIRST EVER METAL GEAR GAME

[im_shoot_gunner]

HOLY COW, how long has it BEEN? There are THINGS TO BE DONE, buster! I'm SHOOT GUNNER and I SHOOT GUNS. Do you know what happens when you just fart around and do nothing?

PEOPLE

ESCAPE

FROM HERE.

I cannot ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. This is my ONLY REASON OF EXISTENCE of making sure that people DO NOT escape from here. Because who knows just how many more will escape in my absence!

Comments

[thepain]

[ FLIPS IN STARTS AND WAVES HAND AROUND AND THEN POSES REALLY DRAMATICALLY. ]

FOOL. I'VE ALREADY ESCAPED YOUR ABSENCE. TRY LIVING AN ETERNITY OF ANGUISH AND PAAAIN AND MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND JUST HOW JUVENILE YOUR TACTICS ARE HEH.

[im_shoot_gunner]

[SHOOTS.......GUN. SHOOT GUNNER HAS NO TIME TO WASTE ON THIS FANCY CRAP.]

Wow.

WOW.

Just WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, pal?

Last time I checked, YOU WERE DEAD IN THE SIXTIES. You didn't EVEN GET TO HEAR THE DULCET TONES OF THE B-52S.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT IN TELLING ME HOW JUVENILE MY TACTICS ARE.

BECAUSE YOUR TACTICS MADE YOU DEAD.

CHECK.

MATE.

[thepain]

YOU FOOL OF COURSE I'VE BOTH SEEN AND HEARD THE DULCET TONES OF A BOEING B-52.

I AM NOT DEAD. I AM ALIVE OH YES. A LIVING BEACON THAT REPRESENTS COMPLETE AND TOTAL SUFFERING. WHEN YOU LOOK INTO MY FACE, YOU ARE LOOKING INTO AGONY INCARNATE.

[COVERS HIMSELF IN A SHIELD OF BEES AND DEFLECTS BULLETS WHILST SLOWLY WADDLING AROUND]

[im_shoot_gunner]

HAHAHA WHAT A LOSER, you haven't even HEARD of "Rock Lobster", HAVE YOU? Because you know what? Until you've heard a song name drop both a bikini whale AND a narwhal you have not truly experienced the creativity and artistry of a TRUE musician!

AND YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW NOTHING. I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED AGONY. NOT UNLESS YOU'RE A SHIPPING CRATE BLOCKING THE SHOT OF MY GUN. EVERY TIME A CRATE BLOCKS THE SHOT, RUSSIA CRIES.

[AND AS IF PREDICTING HIS OWN FATE, HE TRIES TO SHOOT AGAIN..... ONLY TO HAVE A CRATE IN FRONT OF HIM BLOCK THE SHOT.]

[thepain]

ROCK LOBSTER WHAT IS THAT. SOME KIND OF FOREIGN DISH? I FEAST SOLELY ON THE BLOOD AND SWEAT OF MY ENEMIES AS THEY SLOWLY RELISH IN THE EXCRUCIATING SUFFERING MY TECHNIQUE INFLICTS UPON THEM YESSSSSSS.

AND THE ONLY ONE WHO WILL BE SHEDDING TEARS HERE IS YOU, FOOL.

[NO IT'S A CRATE MADE OF BEES. CHECK. MATE.]

[im_shoot_gunner]

NO. IT IS A TRULY GIFTED MIND OF THE 80S. NOT THAT YOU'D KNOW THAT, AHAHAHAHA.

AND OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL. I DON'T CRY TEARS. I CRY BULLETS. BECAUSE I WAS BORN OUT OF THE WOMB WITH A SHOTGUN IN MY ARMS. [NO, HE WASN'T, BUT HE'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT ANYWAY.]

[HE LOOKS HORRIFIED AS THE SOLID OBJECT IN FRONT OF HIM DISENTEGRATES INTO BEES. HOLDING HIS ARMS UP TO HIS FACE, HE YEELS:]

NO NOT THE BEEEEEEEES.

so awesome.

[myname_isntimportant]

[Huh?]

What's your problem?

THANK YOU KINDLY

[im_shoot_gunner]

What's my problem?

WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?

Excuse YOU, Mr. Snake, BUT MY PROBLEM IS THAT I'M STUCK IN SOME DARK SPOT WHERE TROUBLEMAKERS LIKE YOU CAN ESCAPE.

Because if I weren't trapped in a spot where this girl only lets me out when I'm intoxicated? YOU NEVER WOULD ESCAPE FROM HERE.

You know why?

Because I have a GUN. A gun that SHOOTS. NOTHING GETS PAST ME.

Re: Would you kindly.... XD bioshock.

[myname_isntimportant]

I don't have a problem but it seems you do. How the hell do you know my name and what are you?

[shootsblanks]

Well, well. Just look what the cat dragged in.

[im_shoot_gunner]

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, TRAITOR. For one? A cat isn't a good metaphor for me. I'm BIGGER THAN THAT. I'm like..... I'm like a fucking BEAR. A BIG, TOUGH, RUSSIAN BEAR. NOT THAT YOU'D KNOW, BECAUSE YOU JUST BACKSTAB EVERYONE YOU LOSER.

[majorcrotchgrab]

And where exactly are you trying to keep people from escaping from?

[lovedeterrence]

Shooting guns at people is not very nice at all, Mr. SHOOT GUNNER!