dear_mun | on recent events

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on recent events

What a marvelous place this is. I can at last address the god who writes me? My dear! I am honored to have this opportunity to speak to you. You have been so kind, so generous to me, that I can be silent no longer! I must thank you for your gentle consideration and your thoughtful actions on my behalf!

Never have I thought that I could be so accepted for myself, yet I have made so many good friends in my new residence, and I am reunited with my beloved Jeanne and Ryuunosuke! You have brought me back to life and given me the opportunity to redeem myself. For this I will be forever grateful.

I feel sure that I can change! It is only--

[Gilles pauses, then turns away and sighs.]

--I miss it. I know that I must not give in, for Jeanne's sake, but the urge lives on in me! I beg you in your wisdom to have mercy on me, dear writer. Surely, as you have been so kind, you want me to be happy...

[Suddenly, he cheers up again, his smile returning.]

Or could it be that, like the true God, you love tears and bloodshed as well as hope and laughter? Ah, I see! In that case, I will endeavor to delight you in whatever way I can!

[Gilles, don't blame me for this! Wait, then again, it is my fault...]

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[ It is totally all your fault. ]

Somehow I am not surprised you are doing so well there— or that Cú Chulainn has been a big enough idiot to befriend you.

[He looks at Arthur curiously. Why does he look like male Jeanne? Fortunately, Gilles has caught on to this whole "fake Jeanne" thing in his semi-sane state.]

Hm, another pretender. You are beautiful, but do not think I will be swayed!

And why does that make him a fool? We are good friends now! I have been redeemed.

[Also, Lancer doesn't know who Gilles is, oops.]

[ "Semi-sane"... ]

Do not think I'd ever lower myself so in pretending to be anything for you in the first place.

[ Except in that one meme with girl!you where he just let her call him "Jean". ]

And how exactly have you been redeemed?

[ Arthur is very much of the notion that one can clearly see Gilles is not all there. Crazy and that level of Servant mojo never mix well. Hence, idiot. It must be a skill of the Lancer class. Most of the other actual Lancers he's met so far have been kind of loopy too. ]

Do you think God forgives you because you are pretending to have turned away from your sinister habits and beliefs, heretic? In your heart, as you have just admitted, you are the same. You are no more than a charlatan.

The light of heaven washed over me and destroyed me in all my cruelty and brutality, and as it did so, it burned away much of the darkness and showed me the truth that was carved into my heart. A golden vision! That truth was the man I used to be, when I fought at Jeanne's side. The cathedral, and the music playing... I stood on Charles' left side as Jeanne stood on his right!

God does not need to forgive, for He is never angry with us. He loves all His children, and He makes them as they are.

Ah--no! For though I feel that desire, I feel also the desire... to be what I once was. I am not the same. It is only that that urge remains. The human heart is not so simple! It contains multitudes. For you see, my divine writer does truly crave my redemption, even as they crave my failure. But that is what will make the story truly exciting!

You presume to preach to me about the complexity of human nature? You are a madman with an inconceivable lust for bloodshed and agony. The Tower will ensure you do not forget it. There is no hope for anything that isn't mired in the mud of suffering and evil there. God does not save because He allows us the power to decide our paths, however the righteous path to peace is never possible to entirely traverse. Fate is not so benevolent and sentient beings are not so strong. Everyone loses their way or allows themselves to be removed from it or is stopped by obstacles along the way.

I seek to teach you only about myself! Since you said I was a charlatan. I am not.

You are wrong! To me it has been a boon, being brought there. In the Tower, I have met such great friends who have promised to help me to be better. Not only Jeanne, but Judas and Lorelei. I have learned music and witnessed a carnival. Yes, I am a vicious predator still, as I was made. It will be difficult! Even Jeanne has said so. But she believes in me. And she cannot be wrong.

[Jeanne said it; Gilles believes it; that settles it!]

I will lose my way, yes, as you say, but then I will be found again! I believe this to be true. I know salvation exists, for I have seen it. I have not been forsaken, not even me, the world's most worthless wretch, the murderer Gilles de Rais.

[ And Arthur swiftly dismisses it as the delusional rantings of, well, a worthless, wretched murderer. ]

I would wish you the best of luck, but my breath would be further wasted and mere words are useless anyway.

[Well, Gilles thinks Arhur's wrong! He does sincerely want to improve, now that he sees what he has become.]

I do not need your luck, I have the love of a saint! If Jesus has forgiven Judas, He can forgive me. You do not understand, but I do not expect you to. I forgive you.

There are others in the Tower like you, who have cursed me for what I have done, and I do not blame them. Truly, it would take a saint or another holy being to forgive me for my crimes.

[Now, in his other game, he feels quite differently, but that's a subject for another post, perhaps.]

Resist your darker urges, Gilles. I know you're a good knight. You can do it.

[As a child, Mordred is so much more idealistic than her adult self...]

No matter where you are, never forget your chivalry and your lady!

Ah--ma petite!

[Gilles stares. Now he's a bit confused. Is this little Jeanne? How adorable.]

You--you believe in me? That I am a good knight?

[He's touched. It's been such a long time since anyone considered him chivalrous.]

Yes, Jeanne... When I think of her, I am a better person.

Yes, because you're my friend. It's the duty of knights to believe in each other. Besides, nobody who loves their lady so much can stray to evil.

Friends... Yes, we are friends.

[So... is this Jeanne??? So confusing!! He's still not sure what to think, but he speaks sincerely.]

I do love Jeanne with all my heart. I want to do as she wills, to show her that I have truly changed, that I am still that Gilles she fought beside.

[It's just that when he's with Ryuunosuke, he feels the same, but about Ryuunosuke.]

As long as you...hm...what was it the other knights say...As long as you enshrine an image of her in your heart, you can trust in her to guide your hand. And as long as you have faith in her, you shall not fail.

[She nods to herself. She's proud that she got even this part memorized, though she doesn't really get it.]

Even if you do sin, just sincerely repent and redeem yourself through a noble quest.

Ma chère! That image is already there. It is in my heart. The light of heaven showed me: when all else is stripped away, even my life, it is Jeanne that I see.

[Gilles bursts into tears, with a characteristic complete lack of dignity. This forgiveness and understanding from this young Jeanne (???)--he doesn't deserve it! It's too good for him.]

Repent! Yes, I will repent. I am sorry... sorry if I fail you.

[She recoils in disgust and fear for a second when she sees a grown man and another knight crying. Especially since it's quite loud and messy crying. When she rattled off the stuff about knighthood, she hadn't expected this reaction. Even if it's not properly chivalrous, sometimes humans just disgust her.]

[But after that initial disgust passes, she reaches toward him and gingerly pats him on the head with her tiny hand.]

There, there. I accept your repentance, and I'm sure God does too.

[Though she has to wonder if God was also getting disgusted by the tears and boogers running down Gilles' face.]

And only apologize after you've failed. You haven't failed yet.

[Gilles' tears ease up somewhat.]

You do? He does?

[Of course not! God loves terrible things, or why else would He have made Gilles de Rais?]

But I have failed already! That is why I must make up for my many crimes.

I'm sure we can find you a good quest. What about slaying a dragon? Or saving people from some danger? Or even...

[She struggles, trying to remember the third option.]

A pilgrimage...to a saint...

I have slain many monsters in the Tower. I will save someone when I can! You mean, I should see Jeanne again? She is a saint.

[He's just going to decide that he doesn't know who this child is. But since it might be Jeanne, of course he will be on his best behavior.]

I do dearly wish to speak to her again. I have been writing her letters!

Your lady is a saint? That sounds so neat!

[She has heard of fairy ladies, but never saint ladies.]

Yes, you should see her and confess everything to her, and then have her absolve you.

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