I appreciate that you're trying to help. I also appreciate that you're angrier than I'm capable of being, not necessarily because I want to be angry but I know that you mean well by it. It's just that everything is falling apart, and even if it isn't it is, you understand? Even if everything gets fixed, every last thing, and we all come out of this technically whole... there are some things you can't come back from. There are things that have been broken, no matter what happens, and I don't want to face that but I think I'm going to have to?
And that's even assuming we do all make it through. I know you have opinions about that, which I don't want to think about, but the fact remains: the odds of that are slim. All we've done this last while is stare death in the face, sometimes literally, and I haven't had a chance to really process that but I don't want to. I appreciate your anger because I know it's protective but all I'm feeling is fear and the awareness that there's loss and misery creeping up on us.
I'm scared. The best-case scenario still comes with a lot of worst things, and there's no way to avoid that.
I'm selfish, I'm so selfish. I'm worrying about personal things when that's utterly unimportant, when there's so many horrors that are weighing on all of us and the world and that's what matters, really, making everything right. I'm trying, I'm trying to get done whatever I can, I'm trying to help, I'm trying to keep my heart and my mind open, I'm trying to listen where I don't know things, I'm trying to stay if not positive than at least not negative, I'm trying so damn hard, but it's not enough. I'm not brave enough to be objective. I'm not strong enough not to feel broken. If only I'd been able to - something, then this - something could have been avoided, and we wouldn't be in this horrible mess, but I can't go back and I can't think like that because there are things you can't go back on, and I... I'm not enough. I wasn't enough.