Ah, sweet denial.

[light_it_up]

What do you think you're doing?! I'm not gay! I'm not bisexual - I'm not even bi-curious! This isn't 'part of my character', it's just not. It's you twisting my feelings and intents around to make me think things are a way I know they aren't. I can't possibly have those kind of feelings of my own volition. So no, don't go message that other mun about your plans. Don't even think it. I'm not going to do any of the incredibly wrong things you're thinking of. Ever. I know I'm a bit alone in-game, but all the loneliness in the world isn't going to make me that kind of guy.

Honestly, I don't even want to know what's wrong with you anymore.

Comments

[dj_mort]

And what exactly is wrong with being that kind of guy?

Geez, you make it sound like some kind of cancer or something.

[light_it_up]

Besides the part where I'd go to Hell for what I'd done? There'd be my family throwing me out. My Masjid forbidding me to ever enter again. Possibly being beaten up for my own good like my cousin Wahid...

Other people can do what they like. I mean, if they're not Muslim, then I guess I understand. But I have rules I have to live under, Lucas.

[dj_mort]

Hey, some people don't even need to pull the religion card to do most of that stuff, sadly enough.

I get what you mean, but the way you're talking about it just really gets on my nerves. Bad enough random people saying that kind of stuff but hearing someone you know spout off like it's the worst thing to ever happen in the history of ever...well. It sucks.

[light_it_up]

My parents are from Qatar and Saudi Arabia. Do you know what they'd have done to Wahid or... or me, there? I'm pretty sure that'd qualify as being nice by most of my family's standards. [The flip side to the coveted big tight knit family: the fallout for not fitting into the same mold as all of them.]

I didn't mean to imply it's the worst thing ever. I mean, there's other things that are worse, I just, I can't - I can't be like this. I didn't mean to step on anyone's toes. Least of all yours. I would never want to hurt you, Lucas. I'm sorry. I'm just scared. I don't know what to do.

[dj_mort]

[He puff out a bit of breath, annoyance deflating a bit at that response.]

Well, luckily if anything happens in Nautilus it's not like anyone really has to know from back home.

Most of the time I get along with my mun, but this kind of stuff is just crossing the line...all in the interest of "character development".

[light_it_up]

...I'm sorry. I should've thought before I said anything. But if I don't even have my powers to defend myself with - what if someone else in Nautilus finds out, Lucas? [He looks to the older man for advice, breathing in shakily and then looking away.]

And, um, did your mun tell you...? [He can't even say it. He can't even verbalize his attraction to Lucas. It'll give this situation too much power over him. But he steps a little closer, shutting his eyes as exhaustion crashes down onto him.]

[dj_mort]

Pretty sure not a lot of people are gonna care, I can name a few people who are together right now if that'd make you feel any better.

[He was hoping Rahim wouldn't ask that, because curse the mun...they've worked together too long to keep too many secrets.]

Uh. Yeah...I'm sorry in advance. This is going to be a mess no matter how you look at it.

[light_it_up]

They won't? Really? [That's hope creeping into his voice, a little, but then he flinches at Lucas' next words.] Is the idea of being with me really that bad? I mean, maybe... maybe it won't be awful, I can't imagine you'd do anything to make it worse once it starts. You're a good person. Otherwise I don't think I'd be... I'd feel... you know what, you're right. I'm a disaster.

[He cringes again, this time at himself.]

[dj_mort]

No! [Crap. Way to go, genius.] Geez, I'm sorry. That sounded way worse than I thought. I meant...I just...

[He reaches for Rahim's hand.] I just don't like hurting anyone, especially the people I care about. I know me, though. For all the confidence I've got about this, I'm a flake and I've never even tried to attempt something past a date or two...so I'm sorry in advance because I'm scared I'm going to do the same thing to you.

[light_it_up]

[He intertwines their fingers. Arab men hold hands. It's not a big deal. It just feels strange, in this context, like it means more and it doesn't, both disconcerting and calming in the same second. Shit, they're in for a rough ride. After a moment, he gingerly takes off his glasses so he can look at Lucas properly without tinted glass seperating them. If they're going to screw this all up, they'll do it with some dignity, damn it.]

Can I ask why you didn't try anything beyond a few dates? I mean, I'm kind of the opposite, seeing as Dunyana was the only one I ever dated. I don't think I understand.

But if you do hurt me, that's okay. I mean, I hurt you with what I said. It'd be what I have coming. I'm a wreck when it comes to this whole... issue.

[dj_mort]

[He takes a few moments, studying Rahim's face. He's never seen him without the glasses, but then Lucas smiles.] No fair asking me questions like that if you're going to be all distracting.

[He gives Rahim's hand a squeeze, smile remaining in place. He hates talking about this, but here at least he can. Even though he's changed a bit in Nautilus, he's worried it won't pan out the same way.]

It's not okay if I do that, I don't care what you said. If even if it was way off base. But look, my job back home has a crazy ass schedule, it's dangerous, not to mention the whole Medium...thing. Way too much baggage for people to deal with. So after awhile I figured, what the hell. I'll just go out for a good time and call it at that.

Nothing wrong with that, really. It just makes trying a relationship thing kind of difficult. [Understatement there...]

[light_it_up]

[He blinks, cheeks going a touch red at being called distracting. That's not the reception he expects his eyes to get. But it's the least of all strangeness right now.]

We're not on your world, though. Nautilus is different. Things aren't so baggage heavy, and if they are, well, at least half the baggage is mine, here. Probably more, if we're being truthful here.

Maybe if we just ease into this thing either our muns will lose interest in it or... I don't know. That's kind of my best plan right now. But I won't intentionally screw anything up. That much I can promise.

[dj_mort]

I really hate to tell you this, Rahim, but my mun doesn't mind being horribly patient about things like this...

But don't worry about it, we'll just have to see how things go, right?

[light_it_up]

Yes, but maybe something shiny will get their attention. Like a Reality Storm or something. Mine isn't as good at attention holding.

Right. I just... I kind of want to apologize. For freaking out. I don't want to end up like my cousin Wahid, you know? It was bad. Still is. I just - I don't get it. I was happy with Dunyana, how can I even have a fleeting thought about men? [Hi there, Qatari cultural influence that says bisexuality isn't a thing.] It doesn't make sense to me.

[dj_mort]

Eh...don't worry about. [He gives Rahim's hand a reassuring squeeze.] It's something you're not going to sort out all at once.

[light_it_up]

[He reaches out to gingerly take Lucas' other hand in his own. Just to see what it feels like, to see if it's as warm and good as it was with Dunyana. It is; it's reassuring, grounding.]

You act like this isn't a big deal. Like this isn't completely insane.

[dj_mort]

I act like a lot of things aren't a big deal. Insanity is just a daily occurrence in my life. [He smiles broadly. A guy could get used to this kind of thing, but at the same time. It's really scary.]

Remember, I'm the optimist dude.

[light_it_up]

Alright then, optimist. Are we gonna be alright? Together, I mean.

[dj_mort]

[I hope so.]

Yeah. It could work out, or we could still be awesome friends. Either way, I call that a win win situation.

[light_it_up]

[Rahim leans forward and presses a quick, chaste kiss to Lucas' cheek. His voice is a murmur.] Jazaka Allahu Khairan. I still don't want to be - to - you know. But I understand a little better now why my mun chose you.

[dj_mort]

[He chuckles lightly.] Uh, okay. If you say so, man. We'll just take this as it comes and see what happens. Alright?

[light_it_up]

Alright, I - are you blushing? You're blushing! [He's delighted by this on so many levels.] That's adorable!

[dj_mort]

[Lucas laughs. Speaking of adorable, that would be Rahim right now.]

Yeah, yeah. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Is that really such a shocker?

[light_it_up]

No. But it's kind of endearing. [He just. Cannot take the cute.]

[dj_mort]

Feh. Just you wait. I'll get you back.

[light_it_up]

I think we're even. You like my eyes, I like it when you blush. Although I still don't understand that first part.

[dj_mort]

And I don't get the second part. I just hope things move along in Nautilus, so we can have this discussion again.

[light_it_up]

So, wait, you want us to be a thing?

...why does that make me want to smile? Ugh. I'm going to Hell.

[dj_mort]

I want a thing. I've never had a thing. [Except now he's felling kind of awkward. Should he even try for a thing considering Rahim's upbringing? This was always his luck.]

[light_it_up]

...I think I maybe want a thing, too. You know, it's funny, I'm more afraid of dragging you to Hell with me than going there myself. You're a good guy. Everything you've done for me has been great, and I'm just... being selfish. That's what really bothers me about this whole thing.

That's why I don't want to be 'that kind of guy', to quote what I first said.

[dj_mort]

[Lucas just sighs quietly. It hurt so much to hear Rahim talk like that.]

I've been that kind of guy since eight grade, so I guess I've been Hell bound a lot longer than you. If you want to think about it that way.

I don't. It's just who I am.

But either way you slice it love is kind of selfish, don't you think?

[light_it_up]

Love isn't supposed to be selfish. All I do is drop all my issues in your lap and expect you to pick up the pieces, and then this... it's awful. I feel like I'm using you, Lucas. And that's wrong, any way you look at it.

[dj_mort]

Pul-leaze, you're not using me. I'd let you know if you were. I don't like getting pushed around.

[light_it_up]

You say that, but maybe you just don't realize it. I'm pretty good at getting what I want from people when I decide to be.

[dj_mort]

I'll take my chances.

[A chance is better than nothing.]

[light_it_up]

...you're a good friend, Lucas. Promise me if this doesn't work out we'll still be friends?

[dj_mort]

Now that I can definitely promise you, dude.

[light_it_up]

Good. That means a lot, given how weird this whole thing still is to me.