On his state of mind

[holyloveguru]

It's not like I'm that depressing. I might indulge in a little self-destructive behavior, but I'm not actively trying to kill myself.

[A pause. He thinks over that last statement for a moment before he shrugs.]

Alright, it might actually be a lot of self-destructive behavior. But in all honesty, why not indulge?

It's not like you'll ever take me out of this 'verse'.

Comments

[heartofasun]

If you can't die, then perhaps trying to kill oneself is not actively self destructive.

Can you die?

[exorcizamus]

You're a new member of a self-destructive race. You follow a self-destructive leader. Why not conform entirely?

[holyloveguru]

I can die. Now, at least.

[heartofasun]

Then perhaps that is the problem. Maybe if you understood the mortality of your new situation it wouldn't be self destructive. Think of it as a learning experience.

'Sup bro.

[holyloveguru]

Because conformity is overrated.

[holyloveguru]

I've had enough learning experiences in my lifetime. I could do without this one.

[heartofasun]

No, I don't think so.

[holyloveguru]

Really? And why's that?

[heartofasun]

Because if you truly understood you wouldn't be so self destructive. Perhaps your lifetime of experiences hasn't been long enough.

[holyloveguru]

My lifetime has been long enough. I've seen and learned more than I probably should.

[heartofasun]

You may have learned enough but obviously haven't understood it. What troubles you so much? Something about this behavior appeals to you.

nothin' much son

[exorcizamus]

Well spoken from the rebel angel.

Don't mind him. Just mouthing off to the devil

[holyloveguru]

I'm no longer an angel.

I feel like you should know this.

[grace_optional]

Is it really that bad?

[Hey Cas, long time no see. Pardon what might seem like a stupid question, but where she's been, they don't tell her much.]

[holyloveguru]

[Oh Anna. Nice to see you.

He looks up and thinks about it for a moment before he nods.]

Yeah. Actually it is.

[grace_optional]

What happened? [She really ought to be incandescent with fury, you know. But somehow all she can feel is sad.]

[holyloveguru]

What troubles me?

[He laughs, because honestly, that question is hilarious.]

[holyloveguru]

The apocalypse. Croatoan virus, Lucifer walking... and I broke my leg a year ago.

[Those are just the beginning of his problems. There's also personal relationships, dealing with the fact that he's mortal and just a few other things]

You made mortality sound more pleasant than it really is.

[grace_optional]

[Anna huffs.] It was, when I tried it. Your timing just stinks. [Shaking her head.] I'm sorry, Cas. I wish I could have been here to help. [But you both know why she wasn't.]

[holyloveguru]

[He averts her gaze because he can't deal with that with everything else right now.]

It's fine. I made this choice by myself, I can deal with the consequences by myself.

[grace_optional]

[She looks away too, a little disappointed, but not very surprised. She's been dealing with it for both of them for six years. Any real hope she had of that changing was abandoned some time ago.]

Lucifer walks, you said. So Sam...?

[holyloveguru]

Said yes. [He finishes her sentence for her with a sigh.]

It's been a few years, now.

You know, like you do.

[exorcizamus]

I do. [ And he's sympathetic, actually. ] But just because you were cut off from Heaven, it doesn't mean you don't still have the identity of an angel, Brother.

It's everyone's favorite pastime

[holyloveguru]

[He chuckles, shaking his head.]

Identity is a funny thing, just because you have an 'identity' doesn't make it true, anymore.

[Honestly, he should be terrified now. This is Lucifer he's talking to, after all. But he's not. Instead he's relatively calm. It's like talking to an estranged family member. The tension is still there, but there's still some sort of familial bond keeping it at bay.]

[grace_optional]

[She nods slowly, face somber.] And Dean?

[holyloveguru]

[He laughs. He laughs because that's exactly why he's here like this. And when you think about it, it's actually kind of hilarious. Attempting to stop the apocalypse, jump starts it. The irony is just beautiful.]

He said no.

[grace_optional]

Cas! What the hell's so funny? [Anna takes a couple of steps closer. For a moment she is angry, but more alarmed; this is so unlike any Castiel she can remember in all the long centuries she's known him. Her eyes narrow as she studies his half-familiar human face intently.] Are you stoned?

[holyloveguru]

[The laughter subsides and Castiel pauses for a moment to think.]

Yeah, I am, actually. [It's followed by a shrug. Honestly, she shouldn't be surprised. Nobody else is, these days.]

[grace_optional]

[Her eyes go wide, and soften, and she reaches out on impulse just the way she did years ago when he called out to her for help.] Castiel, please. Tell me what happened to you.

[Bear in mind: the last time she saw him, he was working to start the Apocalypse on Heaven's orders. And he and Dean, though not enemies, weren't exactly acting like good friends, either. It's obvious enough that he's fallen, but she's missing all the reasons why.]

[holyloveguru]

[He pulls away from her touch.He doesn't need another reminder of how far he's fallen. Another reminder of of what he used to be.]

Life.

[It's a simple answer, but it's the best way to describe what's happened to him for the past 5 years. But maybe he owes Anna a better explanation.]

God left us.

[grace_optional]

[She drops her hand, not bothering to hide how badly that stings.] Some things never change, though, huh? So what's your excuse this time? 'I am nothing like you' really doesn't cut it anymore.

[She shakes her head.] Maybe, maybe not. Maybe Uriel was right after all. I'm not sure I'd blame him--we seem to be awfully good at shooting ourselves in the collective foot. [And getting stuck in ruts. End of the world, last chance ever and here they still are, spinning their wheels. Only the trappings have changed.]

[holyloveguru]

I'm out of excuses. [His shoulders slump in defeat. He honestly is. Other than 'life sucks' there really is no excuse for any of his actions these days. He only acts on selfish impulse now.]

We are. [He chuckles to himself.] I don't think we were meant to make a difference.[Because everything they've done has failed]

[grace_optional]

Well, if you could maybe see your way clear to ditch the whole 'Anna the plague carrier' routine, that'd be really awesome. [She hunches slightly, folding her arms defensively across her chest.] I get it. It's all fallen apart and everything stinks. Not just for you, though, you know?

[A shiny bottle of grace she didn't want and a long stay in the Heavenly hoosegow, and now this mess--yeah, it all makes a pretty poor trade for the life, home and family she used to have.]

[Parsing what he just said,] But you tried, I assume. Michael pulled the Host out, but you're still here. What brought that on? [She pauses] And how'd you break your leg?

[alreadytherebaby]

Oho, I have heard all about you, Clarence. The little angel that couldn't, poor baby.

[She gives him a little up and down]

Think I like this version of you. What's your poison?

[Which is as much a query about his preferred methods of self-destruction as it is distant curiosity about which parts of his current situation eat at him the most. She did study under Alistair, after all; Meg will ever have an interest in torture.]

[holyloveguru]

[He merely rolls his eyes at her near-lecture. Honestly, he should have expected it. But she does have a point. Everything is horrible, and it's not just for him. Maybe, just maybe he should stop being selfish for a moment.

He'll consider it.]

I decided to stay. [It's practically snorted out. A lot of good that did.] Thought I could make a difference... I didn't.

And I broke my leg on a hunt gone bad.

[holyloveguru]

[Oh look a demon. He probably should do something about that, but what's the point?]

That depends. What do you have?

[Because while he has preferences, hes' not too picky. One can't be too picky on self-medication during the end of times.]

[grace_optional]

[Not that Anna's ever been above lecturing when it's warranted, but this time it's less a matter of habitual bossiness and more about simply not wanting to be hurt any more.

(Why not just leave, one might ask? Well, the mun's interference aside, there's only so many places a walking blasphemy can go. Even a zombie-infested Earth and the company of one broken-down, standoffish fellow rebel arguably beat the alternatives. And having seen him, she's reluctant to leave him in such straits. Apparently some people never do learn.)

[She gives him a long, thoughtful look.] Just like that, huh? Finally had enough of Zachariah's bullshit? [She smiles slightly, both proud of him and pained. She knew all along he had it in him to break free. If only he'd managed to do it just a little bit sooner.] Please tell me you handed him his ass on your way out the door.

[Anna shakes her head.] You tried, Cas. Out of the entire Host, you're the only one I know of who did. Win or lose, it was the right thing to do, and it means something. [To her it does, anyway. She saw a few of their old garrison-mates before she left Heaven--Inias, Balthazar, Rachel, Samandriel. They were friendly enough, to the extent they were allowed, but not one of them could quite look her in the eye.]

A hunt? [She raises her eyebrows slightly. That fills in a few pieces of the puzzle, though the picture they're adding up to is by no means a happy one.] So you stayed with Dean.

[alreadytherebaby]

[Aw, and what a healthy attitude towards demons! Meg appreciates it, she really does.]

Nothin' on me, but that's the magic of the multiverse.

[Smirking, she lifts a hand a snaps her fingers; off to the side appears a small table, set with a selection of liquor, a few Rx-style orange pill bottles, a sheet of acid tabs, tiny baggies with powder or crystals inside. After a few moments, she sweeps a hand in a lazily dramatic gesture and the table disappears.]

Even you should be able to pull that off here, even without your juice.

[exorcizamus]

I'd disagree. [ Estranged family member indeed. ] And would like to point out the obvious, that your new found identity only brought you hard truths. And a painful death.