Homeless forever

[archconsultant]

Yeah, nope. Boring. I'm not going to sit and even start listening to you. I mean, you can't even finish minesweeper on easy mode.

That is an affront to society.

How do you even get out of bed in the mornings?

Comments

[ofdrumsthesound]

Seriously? Easy mode? I thought babies could do that.

[archconsultant]

Seriously. Easy mode. It's quite tragic really. She probably has dead goldfish she's not even noticed are floating yet.

[ofdrumsthesound]

I can win in 20 seconds without even trying. Ten if I hurry.

[archconsultant]

[Wrinkles his nose at that.] That long? I do hope that's because you lagged or something.

[ofdrumsthesound]

It doesn't keep my attention very well. And the screen is small, so you have to be careful.

[archconsultant]

Oh please. Now you're defending yourself over a game of minesweeper? All of the follow the same basic algorithm. Anything over five seconds is a waste.

[ofdrumsthesound]

I can do it in a second or two if I really don't worry about misclicking. But that takes a couple of perception tricks that aren't possible for humans, and I try not to brag.

[archconsultant]

You do see what the big problem here is though. The great, big,obvious problem.

That anyone is playing that shitty game at all!!

[ofdrumsthesound]

That's just a sign that they aren't good enough at math to get tired of it, and I never expect humans to be any better than that.

[archconsultant]

[Already texting someone on his cellphone. Sorry Master, if you wanted eye-contact you're not going to get much of it.]

Humans? Oh dear, your sociopathy is showing~ Anyway, mindless drones don't tend to follow minesweeper. They need things that are more colourful for them so they at least feel better. Like Angry Birds.

[ofdrumsthesound]

I'd say I'm more of a psychopath. Or possibly just psycho. However, I call humans humans because I'm an alien.

*And he'll just be zapping your phone now, because he can be a jerk like that.*

You mean you haven't seen the version of minesweeper that's bright blue yet? For shame!

[archconsultant]

Whoopdedoo, an alien. Aliens are so Roswell. The sixties called, they want you back.

[Gah what the fuck!? Drops his phone and scowls, just for a second. That was his second favourite phone, asshole!]

I have better things to be doing with my time. Places to unlock, people to see. I'm a very busy man afterall.

[ofdrumsthesound]

I didn't expect you to believe me without proof. So, there's your proof.

I have two hearts, as well, but it's not as easy to show you that without access to hospital medical scanners.

[archconsultant]

[Just raises an eyebrow.]

I never said anything about not believing you, you came to that conclusion all by yourself~ Two hearts sounds like a waste, any higher blood pressure and it's a small miracle your head hasn't exploded yet in that form.

[Shrugs, briefly mourns his phone internally for a second.]

Feel free to at any time. Explode that is. Just give me a moment's warning, this suit isn't cheap to have laundered.

[ofdrumsthesound]

Tone down the sardonicness next time you believe someone, then.

And I always thought that two brain hemispheres was rather more than humans ever needed. Such small minds . . . and you can get by with just the one, while we need both our hearts, so I daresay it is more brain than you really need.

So no explosions, sorry. In any case, I have worse things in my head to worry about. Like the horrible murderous urges that are currently making me think of roasting you on a spit or maybe just putting you through a wood chipper. *He smiles his friendliest smile.* Don't worry, though, I'm fighting them successfully so far.

[archconsultant]

Now who's being sardonic?

Anyway- [Pauses at a beep. Pulls a second phone out of his pocket, taps in a quick reply to whoever texted and pockets it again.] Very rude of me, where was I?

Most people don't use all their brain. In fact I know of only two people who do. One's myself, the other is someone spe-ci-al~ Oh and feel free to roast me on a spit or whatever you want to call it. No skin off my back, really. Not exactly a boring way to go.

Oh wait, maybe it is. Very medieval.

Then again I could probably just shoot you in the head before you even got that far, so drop the shit. Really, it's already getting old and you've only been talking for five minutes. [Returns the smile, just as friendly.] Don't you have children to eat or something?

[ofdrumsthesound]

*Chuckle.* Got a crush, have you?

I'm still sane enough that I don't eat children. *Sigh.* Well, not much. I'm getting better at avoiding it, though! *He grins, as though this were a great achievement. Maybe to him it is.*

And I still haven't gotten your name . . ?

[archconsultant]

Oh I'll say. Or won't. He's definitely the light of my life, my polar opposite so to speak.

I do love playing with him. Cat and mouse is great fun.

[Snorts at the getting better comment. Oh look, you now have Jim's actual attention because you're being semi-interesting.]

You should have given yours first, since you replied to me. Buuuuut for the sake of saying that's nitpicking I'll give mine. Jim Moriarty.

[ofdrumsthesound]

My best friend and I are like that . . . well, frienemy. Something.

I've got lots of names. But since I doubt you're the type to use my chosen name, just call me Harry.

[archconsultant]

Frienemy? Oh please that sounds like something from twitter. Next you'll be telling me you run in front of traffic shouting YOLO. The internet's solution to natural selection.

Right then, Harry the Alien. What do you want, since you very obviously decided to talk to me.

[ofdrumsthesound]

If you can think of a better word for it, feel free.

You seem interesting, that's all. And your comment about minesweeper was funny.

[archconsultant]

Arch enemy always sounds much better. Classy, even. Guess it depends on how much you want to kill them.

[Brushes a speck of imaginary dust from his jacket.]

I can understand people want to talk to me. I'm even expecting someone, though he's already late. I guess I'll have to make idle chit chatter for a while to keep entertained. What is it you do since you're an alien and all that?

[ofdrumsthesound]

We were best friends as kids. Still are, in a broken sort of way.

Blow up planets, try to take over the universe--all the good criminal things, just on a larger scale. It comes with being insane, you know.

[archconsultant]

Hm that sounds boring hanging onto things for that long.

Oh so you're a criminal, well then that makes things just a bit more fun. Having much success on old planet Earth? I haven't heard of any planets blowing up recently, so either you're bad or the other guy is good. Let's see how good you can lie.

[ofdrumsthesound]

He regularly keeps the universe from imploding, so I'd say he's pretty good.

I did actually take over the planet for a year, but it got erased. Time travel gets weird like that.