dear_mun | (no subject)

[There is little for her to say, if only because there is so much that she wishes to say but cannot. Or will not, instead damming up words and thoughts and feelings until she only can look sidelong at her masked protector lest something break free. In time, she believes, it will become easier to bear, but for now the wounds are too fresh and the ground they tread too uncertain.

That does not, however, mean that she has forgotten he who lives behind the mask, nor lost the concern that stirs when she hears that note in his voice.]

...Zero?

[Nunnally.

The response is automatic--a bend at the waist, hand held to his chest. Respect paid to his empress. Even though it's Nunnally, might as well be his own sister, he is little more than her guardian now. Can't afford to be more than that. It therefore makes things more convincing, offers that slight bit of distance he has to maintain.

Who's to say it even works?]

Your majesty.

[God, it probably doesn't.]

[For just a breath she hesitates, a pause brief enough that most would never even notice, feeling the vast gulf between them in that simple greeting almost as though he had physically pushed her away. But Nunnally is quick to school her expression into a calm, gentle smile that shows nothing of her thoughts as she folds her hands in her lap.]

Is something wrong?

[The question might be almost laughable, should one step back and view the entire picture. Wrong? Of course. But there's nothing to be done but set things right, one small step at a time, as she intends here.]

[He'd needed to clean it, but it had been a while before he could. He couldn't get all of it, either, but he'd never found the heart to try to fix that later. There had been no speeches; he wouldn't have known what to say, not as good with placating or encouraging words as Lelouch or his siblings.

It had taken more effort than the then-newly dubbed Zero would like to admit to not catch Lelouch before he tumbled down the ramp. To not rush to Nunnally's side.

And it takes more effort than he'd like to admit now as Lelouch tries to keep himself together, and Su--Zero knows that tell-tale prickling at the corners of his eyes. It isn't the first time this conversation that he's thankful for the mask.]

Then...

[He builds that wall higher; surely it's doomed to fall, but... At least for a while, until he can wrap his head around everything, he needs it there. He straightens at her question, considers his options. How best to answer her? The obvious is that yes, there is something profoundly wrong, but that isn't the right answer. So instead, he breathes in, out, and answers her in an even tone flecked with faintest hints of affection.

Even now, he can't conceal that entirely in spite of his efforts.]

Nothing that can't be managed.

[How many steps will it take to right this, Nunnally? The rest of the world seems a less monumental task and by far the one more important. Besides, Zero can do little, having accepted his current position willingly--unless, of course, the relocation is the question. Something he's spared, in the end.]

[Zero isn't sure how to take the direction they seem to be falling, but to know... To know all that Setsuna says and find it tugs at the wall he's fought to build around his heart--as if everything else hasn't pulled at it enough as it is...

Lelouch couldn't live in that world because he knew someone needed to fall, that blame could be placed somewhere. That had, at one point, just been the logical conclusion. Hearing it said aloud, hearing it now meant an entirely different absorption of the fact, the sentiment.

But still, Zero can't accept that it's unfair to anyone that he lives out this punishment. He's deserving of it, of this non-identity. But even as he knows this, even as he's forced himself to swallow and accept this, with Setsuna like this (a man he doesn't know, and yet awash with emotion he can't even fathom to know the depths of), Suzaku holds a little more firmly to the hand clasping his.]

...Maybe someday.

[Zero can't keep every desire quiet, can't smother all of Suzaku, and he knows it. Knows it more clearly now, in any event, where those barriers he's kept up have slowly begun to crumble the more he fights to keep them standing. Kururugi Suzaku is an emotional person; a mask can only hide so much of that when faced with someone equally so.]

Oh?

[Nunnally tilts her head slightly, the action almost bird-like— the habits of long years of blindness have yet to be entirely broken, and she still tends to listen to others first rather than look, turning an ear instead of her gaze. It's a habit especially useful when she can't bring herself to look directly at the one to whom she's speaking, as well.

Again she hesitates, but this time it's nothing to be hidden; she merely takes the moment to consider his words, weighing what lies beneath them and whether she dares delve farther.]

Do you need any help, perhaps?

[ Falling is inevitable. Someone or something must always fall for great change to come to pass. Lelouch had to die; Lockon had to die. And because they died, because of that sacrifice, the people Suzaku and Setsuna cared for most of all contributed to a better, bright future, a tomorrow free of the scourge of war.

The peace is tenuous and weak, but at the same time it is strong, because of people like Suzaku and Setsuna, who will always be watching from the shadows of time and space.

And the thought, and Suzaku's words, makes him smile, too. ]

Someday will come as soon as you allow it, Suzaku Kururugi.

I will believe in that.

[ And believe in you, his hand says, easing into Suzaku's grip. Submission and understanding to his decision, if not his mindset of harmful self-sacrifice. ]

[It's been a very long time since Kallen had spoken to one version of Zero, and she encountered a few during her previous stays in this space. Despite the fact that she's gotten used to the inevitable confusions that pervade this place, the memories she shared with both Zeros — or rather, two different men that donned the eponymous symbol of the Black Knights — aren't something she can easily shove aside.

It's why there is a questioning tone as she speaks.]

Zero?

[Just which Zero is she really talking to?]

Really been a while, hasn't it.

Edited 2012-10-29 04:07 (UTC)

[He wants to believe that, Setsuna; really, he does. But for now, he has to believe that it will be some time yet. Maybe in his final days, when the ability to maintain this sort of lifestyle and the Geass' strength fades... And once the world has come to find its peace. Maybe then... He's not sure he can allow it to come before then. This is still due punishment, and as such he has to endure it.]

Thank you.

[And it's all he can say, to thank Setsuna for that when he's so invested in it. And Suzaku is, deep down beneath the pressure of black gloves and the weight of an icon's mask, a tactile individual. And maybe that slips out some as there's an impulse to wrap his free arm around Setsuna--denied, of course, he can't do that. Though, in place of that, he's driven to pry if only a little, just to understand--]

--Why do you feel so strongly about this?

[It isn't a harsh question, his voice too soft for that. It's an honest one. He can understand Lelouch directly caring, but not through another vehicle. He can understand anyone from Ashford or Miss Cecile or maybe even C.C., but a stranger...? It still doesn't quite make sense.]

Because that is who Gundam is.

[ Setsuna says such a baffling statement so directly, so convincingly, that it could not be considered anything but the truth, going by tone alone. Thankfully for Suzaku, he elaborates further. ]

I am Gundam. The hearts and minds of this world... I think they should come together. And I want to share that with you. There is a heart and mind inside of you, beating, alive. You are part of this world, too. And that means you cannot be a "Zero".

[ No, Suzaku, he still doesn't understand that it's a name, or rather chooses to ignore it in favor of trying to convince you that it is okay, it is alright, to shed the mask, if only figuratively, and let your guard down. Even in front of a stranger.

Setsuna lowers their hands and stands up tall, like the Gundam he is so proud of and strives to be. ]

You can be a sword. But you cannot be a "Zero".

[Zero doesn't flinch at the tone, but that means little. He's just as on edge, knows how Lelouch gets when he doesn't have everything under control. It's torture, being like this, but all the same Zero is thankful to know that it's even possible. Even if he knows it could be defying his punishment to seek anything out as Suzaku, he can't really help this. Lelouch is...

Ah, leaving. But that step makes his heart lurch, and he can't stop the step forward. It's too unexpected, too sudden; strange that it should be, considering their conversation, but it is. Because the last time he'd seen that, been standing at a similar angle (though nearer than this), there had been blood on this mask and Nunnally had screamed, and Lelouch had left them.

When Zero speaks up, his voice is thick, and really it's hardly Zero there.]

You know where to find me.

[Come at your leisure, because I won't force you. The invitation is open.]

[Little things he's grown used to seeing--as children, as a student at Ashford, as a Knight of Rounds. And it means that he knows full and well that she'll be difficult to lie to, or maintain a lie. In addition to audio cues, there are now visual cues she can utilize. Zero forces this air of calm and collectedness, no room for fidgeting or awkward shifts as outlet.

Really, it's manageable, but... There's been enough of Suzaku pulled at for him to feel as though he's wavering a little. So when he answers her, his usual control is harder to keep in place.]

No, but I thank you for your concern.

[It's probably best she not know, anyway...]

[He's not going to get a break here, is he? As if in answer, the buried part of him cringes. Unlike with some, it's much harder to tell when and where he'd last seen Kallen; that she doesn't regard him with animosity immediately suggests a few things, at least... Some of which are better, others worse. How does he answer her? The question cycles through his mind, turning and turning over possibilities and reactions, until he decides that really? He has nothing to gain or lose either way. This space is, after all, largely irrelevant.]

Indeed it has.

[He can only hope that for now, this is the "right" answer. He can't imagine how badly this could turn if she picked him out as someone other than Lelouch and the right events had already come about.]

[No, he's definitely not, especially not when Kallen is the kind of woman who seeks answers at any given cause, recklessly or otherwise. This case, however, she really isn't sure about the "proper" reaction to seeing Zero again. Is she happy? No, she's certainly not, because there's nothing else besides sharp uncertainty lingering within her thoughts.

Should she be happy? Maybe, but...]

That's it?

[Arms folded over her chest, she quirks an eyebrow at his direction, tone laced with firmness.]

That's all you have to say to me?

[It's an admirable trait, really, that sort of relentless--ah, unyielding personality. And it occurs to him that clearly she's from far enough along to know Zero better, and... This could get a little more complicated than he'd hoped. A quiet breath to steady himself because he's still learning this role little by little, and he continues to regard her head-on. No extravagant gestures yet, the conversation isn't involved enough for that. Really, Lelouch...]

Should there be more?

[A distant tone, though not quite as lording as Lelouch's might have been. Kallen, you're the one who really makes a situation like this hard to work. It could only be worse if C.C. was around, because both women know... basically everything, in varying degrees.]

[She can't help but let out a snort, fighting back the urge to roll her eyes at this symbol. To think that she used to be so blindly loyal to Zero (crossing at the point of near obsession) that she didn't care what he actually looked like. Just as long as he continued to fight for the Japanese and defeat Britannia, that was all that mattered to her — her brother's life-long dream of freeing Japan.

That said, the blind loyalty within Kallen is not quite blind anymore, but it's now towards the man behind the mask, whose face she eventually became accustomed to. She's too used to seeing a pair of violet eyes and black hair, which is why her brows tense as she picks up the distant tone in Zero's voice. No, way too distant to be Lelouch's.

He's not Lelouch, she tells herself. He'll never be Lelouch. Regardless of who's behind the mask, Zero is Zero, and that is how it should be. Right?]

Gee, I expected to hear grand speeches of how we should fight against our muns or, I don't know, words of encouragement.

[Sarcastic much, Kallen? Yup.]

[Look, he's... really more the silent version, okay? He can't really get around the fact that he's doomed to foul up around Kallen because of how familiar she is (or... was, or will be--it's a little muddied, here) with Lelouch, but at least there'll be the attempts to pick himself up whenever she knocks him down. Like right now. He should've thought of that... Quick, think--! Ah. There's a way to recover from this! Drawing himself straighter, he holds his chin a bit higher.]

I'm sure you're hardly in such a state to require the words of another to spur you into action in this place.

[...Yeah, that--well, it's worth a shot... And this Zero would agree with her: he isn't Lelouch, nor will he ever be. That's not what he's doing or even trying to do, dressed in ridiculous royal hues and a mask he never thought he'd understand, much less don.]

[If Zero didn't immediately bounce back, Kallen would be displeased to say the least. Anyway, she listens to his words, lips pursed in thought while still retaining some of her strained facial expression, then sighs. At least he's trying, which is good. Still, she can't help but feel a little nitpicky with some of his gestures. Oh, Kallen...]

I'd spring myself into action already if a few circumstances weren't in my way.

[She snorts at her own answer, crinkling her nose when she realizes the admittance she just mentioned.]

Everyone in here goes through this.

[He's patient for the explanation, taking it in as Setsuna brings it to light. Though it isn't entirely clear, he has a better idea. Or at least he assumes he does. It's a pretty picture he paints, and it isn't unlike the one he and Lelouch strove for. A world in some form of harmony--political, in their case. A world where tyranny doesn't strip away lives and cultures for the benefit of the motherland.

Zero's lips curve into a wry smile and that continued misunderstanding--one that makes sense, but all the same proves amusing in a way he'd not find in his own world. "Zero" was a symbol known worldwide, better in the eastern former-Britannian territories, and eastern Asia. His free hand lifts to rest on Setsuna's shoulder.]

I am both. There is meaning in being Zero; it's not a number, but a symbol.

[It just strips him of his identity. This is something he's mostly come to terms with, even as he struggles to live by it. It's an ongoing process.]

[Really, if she knew who it is behind the mask, could she blame him? Suzaku was passionate, but hardly theatrical. As Zero, he's... With people who didn't know Lelouch's Zero personally, this is so much more effective. Not that he's going to call it quits, yet.

But really, being nitpicky? He'd like to see her pull this kind of thing off! ...Not that he'd ever actually say something like that, not at this point. Maybe a year and some ago, but not now.

He makes a thoughtful noise, maybe just faintly amused even as it's assessing, at her confession.]

I see. Other than the obvious "circumstances" concerning players, what is it that stands in your way?

I'm always concerned about you.

[And since she's still carefully holding the pretense in place her tone gives no clue as to what she meant by that: it could be that she's concerned for her protector, the one she can always trust amidst the dangerous vipers of Britannian royalty, or the friend/brother who lies hidden behind his own masks. One hand lifts, hovering for a breath or two before coming to rest on the controls on the arm of her chair, edging it just a little bit closer to him.]

Are you going somewhere?

[Hey, she dressed up as Zero once! Granted that was only one time when Zero gathered one million people to dress up as him so they could go to the Chinese Federation, but hey, it totally counts. She unfolds her arms so she can rest her hands on her hips, sounding a little indignant. No, she can't let the urge to rip that mask off of him take over her, even if it's tempting.]

Not having any other way out of that game I'm stuck in, but you know what? I won't complain that much because it won't do any good.

Edited 2012-10-30 03:38 (UTC)

[Zero is a symbol, not a person; he won't be the one to break, either.

Not here, anyway.

And Suzaku can only hope Lelouch will come, even though it's really more than just ill-advised. Zero would be wary, strive to keep his barriers up. Not to keep Lelouch out, but to keep himself in.

They'd see how this would go.

He says nothing as Lelouch leaves, but he's sure as much is expected.]

[Moments like these are those wherein it's all he can do to keep Zero as his face. Suzaku's inclination would be to speak gently and to tease her (not unkindly), telling her how she shouldn't be concerned about him; it's anyone who might wish to do Nunnally harm that should be concerned! He has the will of her big brother on his side, and where Nunnally's involved, it means mountains are easily moved. But after all that's happened, it would be questionable how much of that would lose meaning to her. So instead, as Zero, he angles his head downward to watch that movement--more out of demonstrating he's doing as much than anything else.

He can't exactly hide the smile that surfaces despite his best efforts.]

I'll do my best to give you no reason for concern. And at this point, I'm fortunately not going anywhere. A local "musebox", at most.

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oops-- YOU HAVE COME TO SHOW YOU GOOOO OOOOOOOOOOON

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/o/

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THAT ICON THAT TAG THIS THREAD I CAN'T

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oops

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pain and suffering?

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All of the pain and all of the suffering /o/

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