dear_mun | (no subject)

What isn't funny, Agent Coulson?

It probably was, I'm just almost positive you don't even know what funny is.

The name. I think it's supposed to be a joke.

I do. Your jokes just aren't funny.

[Steve considers his name and fights back a grin.] There's worst ones your mundane could've thought of.

See, that's not fair, Phil. You haven't heard all my jokes.

[Well, if Steve thinks it's okay, Phil can deal with it.]

You're probably right. Her sense of humor is... problematic.

I've heard enough of them. So I'm Phil now?

I can go back to Agent.

[But you died for the cause, so...]

Phil's fine.

[If he'd known that all it would take was dying...]

Good. Awesome. Glad we got that cleared up.

[Just dying. That's all. He shot Loki for you yanno.]

...Come on at least five percent of my jokes have to at least get you to crack a smile.

At least it's not about tasers?

[Speaking of tasers...]

How've you been doing lately, Mister Hammer?

If I remember correctly, you don't have a lot of luck with percentages, Mister Stark.

[That might be a joke.]

It's better than what mine was going to choose...watchyoudrool, I believe it was.

[How's that for being evasive?]

I can't imagine why.

[You don't actually think that's going to work on Coulson, do you?]

Answer the question.

Actually, I'm kind of a geni--

[Wait. ...Did you just...?]

Fifteen is a generous offer. Very generous. Incredibly.

[Rude, Coulson, way rude. This man can get you the best donuts in the world and you're going to be a butthole?]

Or what?

That describes most mundanes.

And it's not that bad. Might not be as respectful as some names, but joking aside, we do need someone to guide us occasionally. And introduce us to what's important.

Or I take you back in to SHIELD for a more intensive interview.

[Yes. Yes he is.]

I'm pretty sure dead guys can't do that, actually, so...you can quit being a little prick, thank you very much.

[Can't you tell from the deadpan expression? There are nuances here, Stark. Really.]

Are we negotiating now?

So you're saying I am a nanny.

[He's teasing. Phil can have a sense of humor around Steve.]

You're describing yourself, Captain Rogers. Not me.

Have you read my file, Mister Hammer?

When I said prick, I meant asshole. I have no need to check out your actual stats in any folder, thanks.

[so, so slimy, goddamn man]

Then how do you know I'm dead?

[Coulson's got his eyes on you, Hammer.]

Because...I saw...the footage...from my cell? In prison? Where SHIELD put me?

So it was convincing. Wonderful.

Wait wait, this isn't like that thing where they put all the names horizontally and if you read diagonally at one point it says "COULSONLIVES" is it?

Why don't you try it and find out?

[...]

Try...what? You mean like...hit you or something?

Your word puzzle. You just mentioned it a second ago.

You're shitting me, though. You can't still be alive. Can you? Is that a thing? I know they do that in the comics, but like, that's mutants and stuff, but...how, how, how could they? Like, how...

[Justin, backpedal. Chill the fuck out. Remember the first question?]

I've been doing...an awful lot in this place, actually. But well enough, I guess. Yeah, I'm...uh, I'm okay. You don't have to, like, interview me or anything.

I was the Commando's mother hen. [He'd had a feeling that Phil had a sense of humor. He grins, completely unrepentant that the agent called him out on hinting about being a 'nanny.'] Isn't 'handler' the right term?

No, I'm describing you, Phil. You're the one that did all that, not me.

Funny, you don't sound like Fran Drescher.

[You are a lost cause.]

No, I told you, consultation hours are between eight and five every other thursday. Only for you. No negotiations.

It never is.

Accurate.