Nina Struthers presents E3

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[A stage. A woman emerges to a crowd of overjoyed onlookers, which she waves at politely, barely hiding her absolute seething hatred for the cheering audience.]

Greetings, you filthy degenerates! Devolver Digital is happy to announce its latest creation: Mind-Sync technology! We'll tap into your hype, your excitement and glee for the video games or blideo james or whatever gets your disgusting rocks off, and we hijack your mind from there! Through the Devolver Mind Sync, we send our personal viruses inside the very mind, removing your disgusting little freedom and sending all your precious money right into our bank accounts! Every paycheck you earn? Goes straight back to us!

[Cue B-Roll footage of a kid and a mother nodding and laughing together.]

That not float your boat? Too bad! Every mind we don't jack gets a whole different feature! Macrotransactions. Pay $60 dollars every time you launch our games on Stream! With Mind Sync enabled? Every time you think about our games! DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE OUR GAMES YOU DIRT-ROLLING COW-BABIES.

[This could go on for a while.]