dear_mun | apping next cycle. what am i doing.

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apping next cycle. what am i doing.

This is completely and utterly ludicrous.

I am not going to a city without any of my friends and/or colleagues. I am not going to a city full of monsters and gang violence when I see plenty of both in Los Angeles. And I am certainly not going to a city where I gain a super power that is meant to make fun of me.

No matter how cool and enticing and awesome that super power may be.

Or how that officially makes me a superhero.

Not even then, missy.

Now move along before I get aggravated and use my mind powers on compressing your skull like a tin can by batting my eyelashes.

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Oh, honey. Me punching Howard is not "gang violence".

[ p a u s e ]

But you wear colors associated with several local gangs on a regular basis. Sometimes all of them at once.

Besides, Howard calls your spontaneous acts of violence a hate crime.

No one's a superhero in the city, sorry kid. Just people with powers

[Wait, that's not exactly true.]

Except Batman, but he's gone now.

Howard calls any kind of rejection a hate crime.

[ she pauses. she can do nothing right by sheldon, can she? ] If I played by your rules, I'd probably be wearing no clothes at all.

I am proficient enough in sarcasm to understand when someone is 'joshing' with me.

[Completely and utterly deadpan.]

Besides, Batman is never gone. He waits.

[Haven't you read any of the comic books?]

I've seen you nude on the rare occasion, Penny, and I assure you, no rules of mine would encourage the scene again.

[Blithely. But Sheldon seems to realize that he should probably be nice if this is the last opportunity he'll get to see someone who doesn't try to burn him at the stake, so -- ]

-- Penny, if you came with me, you could be a superhero and actually do something legitimate with your life, isn't it worth the risk of possible death and destruction?

It sounds more and more like I got the crapshoot on superpowers. What did you get?

I could explain the science behind the mutation at hand, but it would probably prove to be too overly complicated for you to understand.

However, in layman's term, my DNA is going to constantly adapt and evolve at a rapid rate in order to provide me with a stronger immune system so I don't die of the plague.

[ blink, blink. did she just hear you correctly? you willingly want her there with you? stuck with her gang violence colours and hate crimes and horrible habits? clearly, something is wrong. ] Are you feeling okay, sweetie? Is that mun of yours not treating you well?

[ Dexter just stares for a moment, and then with a polite smile: ]

So you don't die of the plague? Is that likely?

[DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES, PENNY. ~~No one else talks to him for longer than ten seconds.~~]

Obviously not, because I am currently trapped in this conversation, also known as a waste of time.

[Pause.]

-- it's going to take an inordinate amount of time to draft another roommate agreement with someone I have to run a background check on.

As you and the rest of our social circle have already cleared the FBI, CIA, and my own personal searches, it would be easiest to just come with me.

It is an unknown city in alternate Canada.

The odds are astronomical compared to my universe.

[ AND YOU WONDER WHY, what with every other second being plagued with insults. 8| just like normal, she has to come to her own conclusion as sheldon speaks in a way that makes it boring to follow. ] So, I'm coming in because it's easy.

[ wow, that would hurt her feelings if she could summon the ability to care. ~~which she does. why are you like this, bff?~~ ]

Gee, Sheldon, way to make a girl feel special. [ ... ] Does this place come with villains? If so, sign me up!

I don't see anyone else dying from it, and I'm pretty sure they're not from the same universe either--whatever that's supposed to mean.

[SOB, Penny, he's trying to be nice, okay, cut him some slack, he sucks at being a normal functioning human being, ok.

He frowns slightly, at the attitude, because he's gotten the sense that he's said something wrong -- and he even moves to say so before Penny changes the subject again, which baffles him even more. So she wants to feel special but is offering to sign up despite feeling boring?

Penny makes his head hurt.]

The offer of cohabitation with a feeling of gratitude upon arrival should indicate clearly that you are unique, Penny, because any other individual would get a door slammed in their face.

[Pause.]

-- Howard would probably still get a door slammed in his face.

[Another pause.]

The Joker is present. As Batman is currently absent, you can imagine the anarchy that will soon be upon me should I arrive within the city with nothing but a blazer, a physics paper, and my own intellectual prowess.

We are being cast across the fourth wall into a hodge-podge of comic book characters and people from that abomination known as Glee.

Why wouldn't trans-dimensional travel be a reasonable conclusion?

[ penny agrees; howard would get a door slammed in his face. it's just the way the world works, like how sheldon has to knock three times, how she can't function at seven in the morning or how leonard looks so adorable in his glasses. and how raj is, well, raj. ]

Because this place is just waiting for you?

[ penny ... doesn't get it. no one cares about anyone wearing a blazer in the cbale film! but, then again, she wasn't really paying attention when she went and saw it ...

but she is going to try ... for sheldon, for he is her friend and he's, you know, special. she doesn't sing soft kitty to anyone! ]

Okay, so let me get this straight. You want me to come with you so you're not alone, so I have a point to my life, - [ she makes a face. her life has plenty of points! she'll think of some when the sound of crickets dies. ] - and so I can protect you from the Joker because you have really horrible fashion sense?

From how I understand it -- [and Sheldon doesn't really understand it, which is half of what is driving him up a wall] -- it is an alternate dimension set aside from our own. An island in Canada that is host to numerous individuals pulled from their own universes -- a collective of identity, if you will.

That is what information I will be given upon arrival into this brave new world. The reality is that we are all puppets in a big game of pretend by individuals that clearly have no lives.

[He shifts slightly before frowning, almost petulantly, because no, Penny, you are missing the point he clearly made in the mounds of babbling he offered you, which is clearly all your fault.]

Don't be silly, Penny, no one can protect anyone from the Joker, he's the definition of insanity we all know and loathe. You'll become the next Barbra Gordon and I don't want to push you around in a wheelchair for the rest of your life.

[He crosses his arms uncomfortably.]

I want you to come with me because I don't like the other people there. The droves of people welcoming me is going to cause my brain to atrophy. I can't stand hundreds of people contaminating my airspace, Penny, it's like kryptonite, I can't stand it.

[See: They're strangers and strangers are icky.]

[ penny kind of just tuned out up until the joker was mentioned. that's a safe place to tune in, right? except ... ]

... Thanks?

[ she's not quite sure she could stand being in a wheelchair pushed around by sheldon. she'd rather sail off a cliff than be stuck in that nightmare. and she can so canon puncture the joker, okay, sheldon. she can google! she will even read just so she can save your life. ]

[ but, oh, isn't he sweet? she grins - and most likely misses his entire point again. but sheldon complimented her! somewhat. he'd rather spend time in an alternate dimension thingy with her than anyone else! ] Oh, Sheldon. You like me, you really, really like me.

[ she'd clap, but he might tell her she's clapping out of rhythm or something as dumb as that. she'll just let him ramble on. clearly, he needs to get this out of his system. ... and she'll just bask in this for the moment, as she knows it will be very short-lived. ]

The what wall?

[ Yeah, he's never heard of that, he's a bit busy with idk life. ]

Look, the way I see it it's like going to Comic-Con only there's no balding five-foot-four guy Flashing everyone in red spandex. You must see worse in LA every day.

[ -- Sheldon looks quizzically at her, as if she's making a joke, and he's... trying really hard to judge whether or not he's supposed to laugh.

He decides against laughing. He dislikes laughing a great majority of the time anyway. It's a waste of muscle memory.]

If I disliked you, Penny, I wouldn't bother to speak with you. I have better things to be doing with my time than discussing the passing of one's day with a waitress from the Cheesecake Factory.

[ ... it's meant to be a compliment. Really. Seriously.]

[ . . .]

This is not the same as Comic Con.

If it were, I would have an all-access VIP pass to do whatever I wanted.

I see no such laminated tag around my neck.

[ There is just this look that implies 'A VIP? You?', and Dexter pauses to press the side of his hand into his mouth, resisting the urge to bite it. ]

Gotta admit a power like that would be much more interesting than what you're getting. I'm pretty sure the plague can be beaten with simple cleanliness, and a whole lot of drugs, nowadays, multi-dimensional or not.

[ deadpan. ] Boy, do you have a way with words. [ except, lol, not.

the fact that penny knows that that's a compliment only demonstrates how well she knows sheldon. and she doesn't want to even think about that or analyse it from all the angles ever to find out how that has come into being. she'll take what she can get and get him more autographs and leonard nimroy dna. because, in the end, she'd rather be stuck in a superhero-villain-batman-joker-blazer-wearing-alternate-dimension-thingy with him than with raj and howard (and no offense to leonard, of course). at least she'd be guaranteed life for at least a week. ]

Thanks, Sheldon. [ she smiles. please note the most notable pause. ] That still doesn't make me not want to be on the villains list.

[ being your arch enemy sounds like a dream come true. or her life as it is currently. ]

[Penny gets something of a withering look, for her sarcasm -- sarcasm that he recognizes now -- before his expression turns into something almost exasperated.]

You would be the worst villain in the history of the archetype, Penny.

You befriend socially inept nerds that hang out in comic book stores, that isn't very evil of you.

You should try kicking more toddlers into oncoming traffic, that would be impressive.

What if that's my super secret plan? Befriend the nerds, learn the 101 things an evil genius should not do, and then do the complete opposite? No one would see it coming.

[ she'll kick him into oncoming traffic if he likes. ]

It seems your powers of persuasion are lacking.

It seems she is incapable of listening.

[Amy, fix it.]

[The tiniest uptwitch of his lips.]

Don't be ridiculous, Penny. You can't plan out your breakfast, let alone such a dastardly scheme.

[What, how hard is it to believe that Sheldon is wanted places, okay.]

It isn't just the plague -- any illness or injury against me would prove ineffective after suffering it once.

The plague was just a rudimentary example in order to express how ridiculous it is.

[ she cocks her eyebrow, challenging. sheldon's right about one thing, though; she'd lose interest in this plan within five minutes. ] What if that is what I want you to believe? [ she's so proud! ] That's a pretty good plan, right?

Do you honestly think I would be fooled by such a ruse?

[Yes. Yes, he would.]

You have to think eighteen steps ahead of all heroes in order to make an excellent supervillain.

Oh sweetie, - [ have a pause because you're so silly, penny is the most intelligent of all you nerds. ] - I'm twenty steps ahead.

[ it's okay. everyone underestimates penny and her evil dr evil cat. she lifts a finger up, as if she's about to begin a countdown. ]

First mistake as a superhero is underestimating your potential enemies. Don't they teach you that in school?

[ ... Sheldon narrows his eyes slightly at her, because -- ugh, Penny is right.]

Fine. I'll indulge you in your pretend little game and imagine a universe where you could outwit me in a game of logic and reasoning.

Say you are a supervillain and have somehow bested me at my own game and are in the prime position to destroy my secret base from the inside out -- what would you do first?

Any injury? Well why didn't you say so? That sounds much more interesting.

So you're what--a walking statistical improbability? I like it.

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apping next cycle. what am i doing.

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1/2

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so this is probably the best thing that has happened to me all night and ilu LMAO

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♥ ditto! i haven't laughed so hard all day.

fkghjf your penny is fabulous.

thank you. sp won't be able to handle your sheldon. he's bazinga. ;)

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i'm pretty sure the city is going to have him assassinated by the end of week two.

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penny will come to his rescue. no one but her is allowed to assassinate sheldon!

sobbing PENNY HE'S GOING TO COLLECT 23523532 CATS

all the more reason for soft kitty. that should be his superhero theme song.

omg always. sheldor the great won't enter unless it is playing.

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