dear_mun | Canon is Van Helsing. Pup is...unhappy.

This is severely unlikely.

I grow tired of trying to fit in with them. I tread so lightly with them that I cannot stand my own company anymore.

The majority of inmates have difficulties with social cohesion. Most ignore their detractors or enjoy provoking them.

These are not viable options?

For most of my stay I had a Warden who used human society and human values of his particular era as the standard by which I should conduct myself--to an extreme. The emphasis was on sensitivity to humans, their emotions and desires, with little consideration for what too much of that might do to me. I would endure punishments merely for arguing or showing aggression. It was made clear that even self defense was forbidden me. Self-loathing for my actions was seen as progress. Eventually I realized that the only way to get on such a Warden's good side was modeling his behavior--but he was a depressive given to complaining and hiding and it only humiliated me further. For a long time I simply could not lift up my head with pride, and was made vulnerable to every insult and opinion.

I cannot do any of that any more. I refuse to place the needs and desires of humanity as a whole above my own; I refuse to treat every little petty judgment they make of me as a legitimate comment on my character. A great number of humans are selfish, xenophobic little turds who deserve to be ignored in their opinions just as children are ignored. I want very much to be quit of them, but of course that is impossible. So I would settle for living in secret among them--something I cannot do on the Barge.

So in essence, I was conditioned against ignoring my detractors or fighting back in any way, and I now reject this. I would rather face time in Zero than choke down my pride yet again.

Self-defence should not be forbidden. In psychological terms, it's an essential element for teaching personal responsibility.

It may be beneficial for you to be administered by a female advocate. You have a history of competitiveness with males.

Reputation is something I have encountered problems with. But it is not an insurmountable obstacle. Using it as an excuse for animosity will only prolong your stay.

I believe human society's typical remedy for those in your position is to use levity and humour. You may find useful advice from those who exhibit these tendencies.

Tell that to St. Just. If it were not for him I would never have turned the other cheek so very much. I am sick of it. I am on the verge of an explosion simply because the scraps of my pride will not tolerate internalizing it all anymore.

Narvin is all right. He is not human. And I am not the one using my reputation for an excuse to animosity, a handful of corrupt Wardens is. I have tried with all my being to be peaceful.

[He snorts] Humor. If my situation was less untenable I could well consider that.

Do you require protection?

I'm very good at providing it.

I am grateful for the offer but....

It is not necessary. I cannot die, and my concern for my personal well being is dropping.

This is not in regards to termination. Social cohesion must be maintained.

Trust is important. You are lacking it. This can lead to significantly unhealthy behaviour. The impending volatility you mention.

This must be remedied.

Hm.

Yes, well. Half the Barge considers me a monster, a significant number consider vampirism a disease we must be "cured" of, and a small number would kill me outright if they could get away with it. I am not the one causing the problem, I am the one forced to endure it.

The ideal counter-strategy would be to react in the most unpredictable manner possible. What is not expected of you. Something which would leave them bewildered.

Reputations extend from expectations. Confound these and your own will change to that of a personality at odds with that which they imagined.

I have acted in the opposite manner that the prejudiced expect. Instead of fighting I have turned the other cheek. Instead of seducing I have waited on interest. Instead of feeding on others I have an unbroken record of managing my thirst. The same with my anger. In fact I have made myself ill internalizing my feelings.

It does not matter. Only a handful have been won over. Most cling to their preconceptions desperately. And I suffer for it.

I just wish I could go back to not caring about anything.

You describe opposing behaviour. This is not the same as unpredictable behaviour: Responses, often spontaneous, judged as too unusual to fall into patterns.

You speak of suffering. In what manner have you succumbed to harm? Are the examples recent?

You are suggesting that I start acting like an insane person?

I just discovered that my first Warden did me a significant amount of psychological damage under the guise of "progress", and now I have to deal with it on top of everything else.

The constant atmosphere of antagonism and racial bias is demoralizing. So is the presence of so many corrupt Wardens. Especially since I am preparing to work with them post graduation and I suspect they will make it even worse for me than they are making it for my friend Hoffman.

I had to leave my wife of centuries.

And because of the aforementioned bad Wardening I have a year's worth of pent up frustrations and no idea what to do with them. Instead of teaching me to cope with the emotions he sought to awaken, he merely threatened me with punishment if they got out of hand. As a result I have never learned to deal with them.

An unpredictable person.

Warden diversity is extreme. It's unlikely we are employed as examples of success. The mechanism of education is alarmingly inefficient - I've concluded this cannot be its exclusive purpose.

I don't think I'd deal well with emotions, either. I'm not optimised for processing them. They'd be barriers to efficiency. I suspect my assignment finds their absence within me beneficially trust-worthy. I don't know if I'd develop ethical considerations - or desires and addictions. Both are equally possible.

It's different for me. My controlling authority is absent here. Without it, I have no purpose. I would have no mission. I lose a reason to exist.

If this is similar to your situation, you require plans. Aims to work towards.

Hrmph. I suppose I could give it some thought....

[He listens quietly.]

I have an entire vampire society to rebuild and must decide how it is to exist and relate to other races. It occupies most of my time. Or it did before these...setbacks.

I'm glad to hear this is your goal. They help to motivate us. I was motivated by the eradication of my assigned targets and the annihilation of mankind.

[Eyebrow]

...I see.

Canon is Van Helsing. Pup is...unhappy.

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