dear_mun | (no subject)

(no subject)

Hello? Uh, hello-lo?

It’s…been a while hasn’t it? I know it has…and yet, you never really forgot about me. I’m glad you didn’t! Big surprises these days!

It feels nice to know I wasn’t forgotten by the series either, at least from the leaks. I finally get my story told! I even have an official name! Though, between us, we can compromise on the one you gave me. A middle name works. I’m one interpretation of that man in that book after all, and the many…many deaths he and I endure in that books.

That’s a lot of deaths. Dang.

I’d argue the only other people that are that universe’s biggest chew toys are the Afton boys and Jeremy Fitzgerald!

Anyway, I guess I’m glad I’m still here. I’m glad I finally had a backstory of my own, a new voice, and what’s more: I’M FINALLY CANONICALLY INNOCENT! IT ONLY TOOK TEN YEARS HUH.

PS

I hope wherever my daughter is…she’s happy.

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Huh…

…I like Phil better anyway.

I like Phil too! If anything, my mun would honor that canon version of me with like the middle name. Phillip Ralph Gray, that works just fine by me!

I’m also workshopping it, while I ignore the many…many deaths in those pages.

Kinda reminds me of the Games! Only marginally less gory.

[He looks at Sandy with dawning horror when he recall Sandy’s story]

I apologize.

[She laughs a little at his face.]

I mean…I think I died more times in the games then I did at home.

It’s fine, a witch challenged death and sent me to Japan. It’s not canon but I’m pretty happy now.

[ snorts ]

Ralph.

[Of course Mike would revel in that name. Just saying it made Phil immediately flinch]

Yep. Ralph. Kinda glad you guys didn’t learn it until now. At least it’s not the other name.

[The ghostly bullying has just begun]

…A witch challenged death and you were sent to the other side of the planet?

[He pauses]

And somehow not as bad as some of your own deaths.

Yeah I dunno man, now I’m trying to learn enough Japanese to go to school.

But every time I see that bear I think of your messed up world.

[It doesn’t help that Ruin introduced a girl named “Cassie”.]

The wolf is pretty cool though.

[ you are never gonna live this one down, phone man ]

Pretty unfair of you to be keeping such a secret like that from us this whole time. I think I'm owed a bit of ridiculing here.

[He stares with endless annoyance but Mike deserves some fun at his expense]

Go ahead, get it out of your system, Mike.

[This is going to suuuuuuck]

Yeah…Freddy has that effect on people. He, uh, well, there’s no way around it: he was a very destructive bot that caused a lot of pain because he was in pain. Doesn’t excuse his actions but you know?

[he beams at Sandy’s progress] You’ll get there soon enough-

What was that part about a wolf?

Ah-ah, you don't think I'm going to waste such an opportunity by dumping all my good ones at once, do you?

Ralphie?

[And there it is] Oh, this is going to get bad, isn’t it?

Put me back in the exoskeleton, what’s coming is gonna be less painful than what I’m about to endure.

You know? The wolf robot?

Like I kind of dig Foxy…and even Chica kinda makes sense to me but I saw the new Wolf robot and now I’m like…should I dye my hair green?

…I mean I can’t because school rules but I would!

That design sounds like something management came up with after I died so I’m gonna just check.

[Peeking into the void that is the Five Nights at Freddy’s canon confuses Phone Guy even more]

Ah. [He has many questions about the Pizzaplex.]

Would your school even allow that kind of neon hair?

Oh no freaking way. Which is kind of bull because some of the kids there have “naturally” blue or pink hair.

Different universes, different rules I guess.

You’d probably like it here though, foods good, lots of ghosts but they’re more chill and friendly.

I'm not a chew toy.

The multiverse begs to differ, Fitzgerald. But I still think you’re a groovy guy.

I’m pretty sure Mike’s the only other guy that has you beat in sheer animatronic based suffering.

[Said the guy who apparently dies any time he presses the wrong button or makes a seemingly harmless yet wrong decision.]

[ get infamously chomped on once and you're labeled for life, smh. ]

... [ glances upthread ] ... yeah. Can't say I'm envious.

I'm not calling you Ralph, by the way.

Wait, hold on... [ rereading the post ]

... [ omg ]

Is Phil your middle name, then?

So that makes you ... Ralphil?

[ wHEEZING ]

[There are many questions to ask but...]

Why are there lots of ghosts? It's more a survival concern but so long as they're not homicidal for the most part...

[He's quite done with ghosts thank you very much]

[Oh no. The perfect shot and Phil's eye twitches]

It was supposed to be Phillip R. Gray but thanks for obliterating that last sliver of dignity I had left.

[He stares at Mike, then his hands. He makes a squeezing motion then shakes his head]

Nope, not worth it.

[Jeremy's death made for great TV at least.]

Oh thank you! [He pauses] Do you have a punchline in there somewhere? I'm already getting a raw deal with a certain...ex-employee.

[Ralphil is an amazing pun though and he hates that it is]

I mean...I may have moved into a Haunted Inn with a family of Shamans.

It is somehow ever more weird then it sounds but the important thing is they are super cool and take care of me...and the ghosts.

It's a happy ending...which like I know it wasn't a nice ending but you seem kind of happy about getting an ending too right?

[ if he wasn't already dead he would be dying ]

No, no, it's definitely Ralphil, I can confirm this is a fact.

[ mike can't exactly blame ol' rpg for wanting to throttle him, he's more than welcome to vent some frustration out if he needs to. not like it'll do any real damage ]

[ (；′⌒`) ]

No, not that imaginative. [ stuffs hands in pockets ] I think he's just trying to get a rise out of you. Probably shouldn't let him know it's working.

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