Al Swearengen from HBO's Deadwood -- there will be swearing. Lots of swearing.

[swearengen]

Well, look what the fucking cat dragged in.  The fucking bedraggled, ne’er-do-well, consistently fucking absentee cat.  That’s right, puss-puss, I’m the hapless mouse in this sorry fucking analogy, spared your slimy fangs this past decade and no fucking worse the wear for it, thank you kindly.

Can’t say the same for you, I’m afraid.  Jesus, it’s been more than ten fucking years, and your brainpan is mushier than the day our Lord in his infinite fucking wisdom opted to pack your infant skull with all the wit of wet fucking flour.  I’ve known some natural-born hoopleheads in my time, and some of ‘em display at least the stirrings of prudence with age, but you ain’t in that fucking class.  Your ass is still anchored in front of this fucking fancy thinking box, your cunt still moistening over the kinds of disreputable characters who would, if ever you met them in the fucking flesh, serve your spleen up on a platter beside your marrowless bones and call it a mediocre fucking repast.

I will say I’m pleased as punch with the username, though.  How fucking fortuitous that twice now you’ve secured my surname, and not had occasion to strain your dubious intellect coming up with nom-de-plumes – “swearsalot?”  Did you actually fucking contemplate that?

I am rendered fucking speechless.