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Entry tags:
on the premiere.
1. I understand that Coulson is hurting, and that what he's been through sucks. I understand that. But so help me, if I could just once make a comment about my rehab without him jumping in with how doesn't he know it, hey, at least I still have a knee. It's not that I want to discount his pain. I'm just not keen on it being a damn competition.
(But if it was. He lost a hand because it was that or lose his life. Mack made the right call. I, on the other hand, went through what I went through because a sick fucking fuck decided that on top of actually raping a trauma victim he was going to mindrape her and -- okay. I made a call that wound up destroying a woman. But I didn't make it maliciously. I didn't make it knowingly. I made it because it was an uncertain variable, as opposed to a certain variable that would have hurt more people. I wouldn't make a different choice, but I'm not proud of how it turned out. That still doesn't mean I deserved to be... any of it. That's not how this works. We -- I -- should have made more of an effort to take care of her once we had her. I should have done more for her. I don't feel guilty about what happened to Kara initially, but I could have stopped what happened to her at the end, and is that still haunting me? Yeah. Of course it is. Should I talk to someone about it? Probably, but Dr. Garner is off on the never-ending mystery vacation with May, and I don't know any other psychiatrists, and everyone else has their own shit to deal with, so I'll say it here. But I can't do a damn thing about it now. I just have to cope and keep doing what I do and know better next time.
Easier said than done.)
2. Hunter is a stupid fucking asshat for getting the idea in his head that he's going to go take on Ward, especially getting the idea that he's going to do it without me like I'm some damsel in distress. He's a mercenary, but Ward is (as I said earlier) a sick fucking fuck. He's a killer, but Ward is an actually-raping mindraping torturing kidnapping arsonist murderer. That's not how Hunter thinks. He's an asshole, but he's not... he's not cruel. He doesn't know what the hell he's getting himself into. At least I have a better idea of how aforementioned sick fucking fuck thinks. At least it's my battle to be fighting in the first place.
3. Of course I miss Simmons. Of course I wish she would reappear. She'd do that cute thing where her entire face lights up when I told her we were going to be sharing a lab until I'm recuperated (thanks, in large part, to her surgical prowess, I haven't forgotten) , and she'd listen when I had something to say and vice-versa. We were on different teams for a little there, but she's a good kid, and I don't think most of the team realizes what they miss with her.
I don't think Fitz entirely realizes, either, though. Fitz spent all of last year treating her like shit, and yeah, I get where he was coming from, I do. I get that he was hurt. I get why he was hurt. But I also get that she was hurt and why and I get that he didn't make that better. But now she's gone, she's an ideal, not a person. And I'm afraid he's just chasing something that's going to hurt him like he apparently did the last time she was gone. I don't know if he'd be better off just accepting the worst possibility. Maybe. Accept the worst, then if the best happens it's some great surprise.
And I do really hope some miracle happens, but I know how dangerous hope is.
4. I'm really fucking proud of Daisy. I hope she knows that, knows that everyone is proud of her. Would be proud of her, in the cases of May and Simmons.
5. Rehab does fucking suck. I know you know that, writer, so I'm glad at least we can commiserate without it turning into a pissing contest.
(But if it was. He lost a hand because it was that or lose his life. Mack made the right call. I, on the other hand, went through what I went through because a sick fucking fuck decided that on top of actually raping a trauma victim he was going to mindrape her and -- okay. I made a call that wound up destroying a woman. But I didn't make it maliciously. I didn't make it knowingly. I made it because it was an uncertain variable, as opposed to a certain variable that would have hurt more people. I wouldn't make a different choice, but I'm not proud of how it turned out. That still doesn't mean I deserved to be... any of it. That's not how this works. We -- I -- should have made more of an effort to take care of her once we had her. I should have done more for her. I don't feel guilty about what happened to Kara initially, but I could have stopped what happened to her at the end, and is that still haunting me? Yeah. Of course it is. Should I talk to someone about it? Probably, but Dr. Garner is off on the never-ending mystery vacation with May, and I don't know any other psychiatrists, and everyone else has their own shit to deal with, so I'll say it here. But I can't do a damn thing about it now. I just have to cope and keep doing what I do and know better next time.
Easier said than done.)
2. Hunter is a stupid fucking asshat for getting the idea in his head that he's going to go take on Ward, especially getting the idea that he's going to do it without me like I'm some damsel in distress. He's a mercenary, but Ward is (as I said earlier) a sick fucking fuck. He's a killer, but Ward is an actually-raping mindraping torturing kidnapping arsonist murderer. That's not how Hunter thinks. He's an asshole, but he's not... he's not cruel. He doesn't know what the hell he's getting himself into. At least I have a better idea of how aforementioned sick fucking fuck thinks. At least it's my battle to be fighting in the first place.
3. Of course I miss Simmons. Of course I wish she would reappear. She'd do that cute thing where her entire face lights up when I told her we were going to be sharing a lab until I'm recuperated (thanks, in large part, to her surgical prowess, I haven't forgotten) , and she'd listen when I had something to say and vice-versa. We were on different teams for a little there, but she's a good kid, and I don't think most of the team realizes what they miss with her.
I don't think Fitz entirely realizes, either, though. Fitz spent all of last year treating her like shit, and yeah, I get where he was coming from, I do. I get that he was hurt. I get why he was hurt. But I also get that she was hurt and why and I get that he didn't make that better. But now she's gone, she's an ideal, not a person. And I'm afraid he's just chasing something that's going to hurt him like he apparently did the last time she was gone. I don't know if he'd be better off just accepting the worst possibility. Maybe. Accept the worst, then if the best happens it's some great surprise.
And I do really hope some miracle happens, but I know how dangerous hope is.
4. I'm really fucking proud of Daisy. I hope she knows that, knows that everyone is proud of her. Would be proud of her, in the cases of May and Simmons.
5. Rehab does fucking suck. I know you know that, writer, so I'm glad at least we can commiserate without it turning into a pissing contest.