trying this out, voice testing!

[coopout]

Diane; 10:20 PM. June 19th. I seem to be in unfamiliar territory.

While the rhyme and reason is lost to me, I'm recording this in hopes that you might hear it somehow. I have my doubts, but I've gambled on slim chances before.

That said, the concept of this place is absolutely fascinating.

Comments

[loquorproarbores]

What's so fucking fascinating about it?

[this guy's all sharp edges and taut muscle, and he bites out the question like a challenge to step into the snake pit. which is fitting, because the tattooed corner of a snake winds up and over his neck.

oh, also, there's a raven perched on his shoulder]

[static]

[wow a guy talking into a tape recorder. totally his type!!]

-- Excuse me, uh, sir?

Are you in the middle of a story?

[racquetballer]

Turn on your GPS, jackass. PROBLEM SOLVED.

I bet you're the kinda guy who likes watching paint dry amirite?

fbi otp

[coopout]

Afraid I don't know what GPS is, but no. I prefer meditation. [BIG OBNOXIOUS SMILE]

[coopout]

[nice]

There's a lot to be fascinated about. You just have to look in the right place.

[coopout]

[OH HEY flicks the recording off and smiles]

Yes, but that's beauty of microcassette recorders. You can start and stop to your heart's content. Special Agent Dale Cooper, how can I help you?

[static]

[it just now occurs to miles that he just interrupted this guy, DAMN, now he might have to take a whole two seconds to edit his shit out. ROOKIE MISTAKE]

Miles Upshur. Investigative reporter.

[that's a bit of an exaggeration for "freelance journalist who takes leads from crazy anonymous emails on a regular basis"]

-- Why's the FBI involved here? [right to the chase]

[coopout]

Miles Upshur, it's good to meet you.

[he holds his hand out to shake.]

I'm not here for the FBI. To be honest, I'm actually not sure why I'm here at all. I was up in the Pacific Northwest investigating a murder until recently.

match made in hell

[racquetballer]

.... Uh.

Haha. Pfffft.

Wow. Okay then.

Don't take this the wrong way pal but--uh.

What pinheaded back alley agency hired you again? And what the hell is your pay grade?

[derptad]

Mommy says gambling is bad. [Concerned look. But then he peers up at him and smiles.] Oh, oh! Are you a professor? Professor Hamada has a suit, too! But his is a little different.

[coopout]

Tell me - what does the FIB stand for? I've never heard of it.

[you'd think this would be sass but no

completely genuine

which is his version of sass]

[coopout]

[SEE THIS IS WHAT HE MEANS BY FASCINATING. Cooper kneels down.]

Federal agent, actually. Think of it like a police officer.

[derptad]

Oh. I thought people like that had uniforms? Although Mommy doesn't let me watch cop shows with her 'cause a lot of TV gives me nightmares. I'm Nam-sun! It's nice to meet you! [See, he has manners! He even extends a nubby leg to shake.]

[racquetballer]

[ long. silent. gta cutscene stare. that's somewhat horrifying because of the neanderthalish bugeyed stare these characters have. ]

... are you like, you know, one of those people with the really bad cognitive learning disabilities?

[ steve snaps his fingers like an obnoxious asshole, trying to pinpoint the right word... ]

Uhhh--MENTALLY RETARDED? Yeah. Yeah that's it. Are you mentally retarded? I mean, that would explain pretty much everything about this whole situation but I thought like--I thought you guys didn't live past the age of ten or something.

[ pulls out some trident white gluten free gum. starts chewing on it really loudly. SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK. ]

[amplius]

Who's Diane? Your wife? Girlfriend?

[ Kinda hard not to notice this guy talking to himself. Well, not actually talking to himself, but sorta. In a way. ]

[coopout]

A friend from the bureau. It's easier to give her my memos this way. [he waves the tape recorder in his hand.]

[coopout]

If you're inclined to know, I'm happy to say I've passed my lifetime evaluations with flying colors. [SLOWLY AND FUCKLESSLY DRINKS COFFEE THAT HE HAD THE WHOLE TIME.] I'll assume that's a typo on your uniform, Agent...?

[coopout]

[Coop hesitates for a second. But you know what, why not. He takes the nubby leg between his fingers to give it as much of a handshake as he can.]

Nam-sun. I'm Dale Cooper. If I can ask, what - exactly are you?

[derptad]

I'm a Lotad! But my Mommy is human like you - she adopted me when my Egg-Mother died. That doesn't usually happen so some people think she's strange but Dr. Hamada adopted a Chansey and a Rotom, too, so he and Mom are really good friends! They don't think of other species as not people.

Some humans do, though. Mostly people here are really nice so I haven't met anyone like that here! I like this place even if it's really big. [His nubby shake is solid, even if he's a little awkward on land.] Should I call you Mr. Cooper? Mommy says manners are important...

[racquetballer]

[ squinting at that coffee. he doesn't smell a double lowfat sugar-free soy latte. this guy. this agent whatever he is. he's trash.

clearly he needs to be removed from the equation. ]

Haines. Agent Haines.

[ u don't get the luxury of calling him steve you degenerate sack of shit. ]

And no, no that's--

[ kay so maybe he's half trying to glance down the back of his jacket to see if someone fucked up his lettering or something. not secretly self conscious and living in his mom's basement at all hahahahaha.

looks fine okay ANYWAY ]

--that's not a typo. What? Don't tell me we got another psychotic lowlife Canadian immigrant infesting our streets here. I'm with the Federal Investigation Bureau. Something, you apparently haven't heard of.

[ pops his gum. his 2cm long stick of trident. SMACK SMACK SMACK. pop. SMACK.

folds arms.

body language for my dick is 3 inches long. ]

[amplius]

Uh, what bureau is that?

[ She has an idea. But. ]

[static]

[miles reaches out to shake as well. note the nub of a middle finger.]

-- What happened? [a hard look.]

[coopout]

[cooper pauses only a moment to regard the lack of finger. regardless, he shakes hands firmly. at the question, after letting go, he's quiet for a few seconds. then, finally, he nods.]

A young woman was murdered in Twin Peaks. There was evidence that it was connected to another murder my bureau was investigating, and I was right.

[static]

What woman was this?

[SHUT THE FUCK UP MILES LIKE YOU KNOW ANYTHING........ he's just trying to look cool and professional in front of this obviously seasoned agent]

[coopout]

Laura Palmer.

Did you know her?

[It was likely just reporter's curiosity, but the question could also mean this man was familiar with Twin Peaks. So why not ask?]

[botticelliesque]

There are worse places to be.

[ She's been to a few of them. One in particular is drawn to mind, but it's not an experience she'd like to relive. For now, she's content to stand somewhere between the forefront and the background. It's easy to transition to where she wants to be. Most of the time, anyway. ]

YEE

[coopout]

... Indeed there are.

[AYYYY]

Have you been here long, Audrey?

WORDPLAY USERNAMES ARE MY WEAKNESS, IT'S WORTH IT.

[botticelliesque]

Could shake things up a bit. You know, without all the life-or-death. Can't say I mind it.

[ She folds an arm over her waist in that usually almost-coy sort of way. The kind of way that is but isn't. A little too sharp. ]

I've been here too long. I might have a grey hair or two. Your timing's still off.

GOOD GOOD GOOD

[coopout]

Audrey, at this point I'm afraid my internal clock is permanently out of whack. [Either way, he's smiling like he always does.] Sorry I'm late.

HERE'S HOPING, ANYWAY.

[botticelliesque]

All those late night Nordics, huh?

[ It's easier to tease a bit than get weak in the knees -- not to say she isn't. Something about the guy. He just knows how to turn a phrase. ]

I would tell you not to worry about it, but why do that when I can say you owe me one? Coffee. I'll look the other way if you make the bureau foot the bill, Agent Cooper.

[coopout]

Must be.

[yeah gurl]

You have yourself a deal, Miss Horne. I wouldn't worry about the bureau, anyway. They pay me well enough on their own for all that coffee and cherry pie.

[botticelliesque]

Don't think we'll be seeing them again anytime soon. Hopefully the remains of your stay will be satisfactory.

[ Her cadence is overtly innocent, but not inappropriate. More playful than some halfhearted attempt at seduction.

She doesn't mention that she doesn't worry about the bureau much (outside of Certain Female Agents); it's pretty evident in the way she carries on. ]

Take a walk on the wild side! How about apple this time?

[coopout]

I don't doubt it. Though I don't think I'll have anything as good as Norma's pies, you should always try anything at least once.

[And ah, Coop was familiar with that tone. He knows Audrey well enough by now, so he takes it for what it is.]

You know? Apple or blueberry. It's about that season now, isn't it?