[reaches into wallet, pulls out multiple hundred-dollar bills. wesker has been throwing these around at confused villagers. he does not understand pesetas.]
[WTF OMG. This is a surprise! (If only a certain friend of hers was still around. It'd be amusing to even witness his reaction!)]
You too, huh?
It's a shame Leon's not around to buy anything, huh? [Gosh he looks creepier in person but he wasn't so bad in the game, if the merchant is just like that...]
If you had anything else to sell than just guns, I might be interested to see that.
[Mari doesn't like guns. She prefers summoning her own swords and blunt instruments. In some ways, it's handy being a nanotech cyborg. Something her version of Leon doesn't know about. It's been some years since she last saw him.]
Ooh, nice! I'll need lots of ammo - a bunch of pests found my biggest stash, and unfortunately, my henchmen won't make do with pies. [To be fair, most of the pies that he makes are incredibly corrosive, but he throws some ordinary ones in there just to mess with his minions. (and get them killed in particularly hilarious/embarrassing ways)]
[well, he could use some new Magic cards but this guy looks kinda sketch. and maybe he hasn't heard of this little thing called STRANGER DANGER, but Kenny sure has.]
Mmrph mmpha mmphamile mrrphu?
[you're not a pedophile are you, mister? because you look like one, no offense.]
[ a small child wrapped in swaddling clothes! or perhaps not.
this might be that crafty little man trying to kill his favorite stranger in disguise. an act of trickery, no doubt! that salazar, always up to no good.
the merchant frowns and closes his cloak. then he goes silent.
[ the merchant slowly turns his head to look at ricardo.
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
and then he promptly passive aggressively whips open his coat, the heavy material (weighed down with like 300 things) smacking ricardo's shit out of the briefcase and all over the ground in one mighty blow. ]
[was that a yes, a no, or a maybe? it's hard to tell since he has his hood up, but his brow is creasing in deep thought. yes he's desperate for the new expansion deck, no he won't go to Target because fuck that place, seriously, and maybe this guy is a molester, but damnit, he's on a mission!
reaching into his coat pocket, Kenny withdraws a crumpled up wrapper from the last booster pack he bought, then holds it up for the guy to see.
yes, sir. take a good look at this. take a good, long look.]
Mmh mhhph mhhfs!
[only the finest of wares for young Kenneth here.]
[Whoops, there go a whole bunch of really fragile looking vials, filled to the brim with some questionable red fluids. They tumble out of Irving's briefcase, thankfully not violently enough to shatter on the spot, but you can practically feel just how much air leaves his lungs in that one painful moment.]
Cayuhfull wit' dat! You'll -
[Aw, geez, now you've got Irving on his hands and knees, gingerly scooping up his vials and setting them safely back into storage, shooting the Merchant a dirty glare over his bony little shoulder.]
Real friggin' cute, pal. You tink dat's funny?! One drop a'dis stuff'll mess you up bad!
[Haha, Mari's nothing like Ashley Graham. Not that she ever was to begin with. How Leon and her met would be a long, complicated story!
That dramatic reveal of a common, battery powered item causes her smile brightly in amusement. She even laughs a little, honestly not expecting him to carry such items. The only non-weapon item she remembers he sold, in Leon's past, was First Aid Spray--although she won't be needing that.
Her nano's give her a rapid self-healing ability.]
Okay, let's see. [She zips open her purse to get out her wallet.] I think I have ten bucks... Don't worry 'bout the change! You keep it.
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I require ammunition, and perhaps an egg for sustenance.
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[ doesn't have an egg.
he has one case of handgun ammunition though.
reaches over to drop it in wesker's hand but-- ]
NOT ENOUGH CASH, STRANGER!!!!!!!!!
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That's preposterous.
[reaches into wallet, pulls out multiple hundred-dollar bills. wesker has been throwing these around at confused villagers. he does not understand pesetas.]
Give me my required items. Now.
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AAAAH!
[ his eyes gleam with delight]
I'LL BUY IT AT A HIGH PRICE!!!
[ offers wesker 2 esp ]
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Don't make me resort to this, fool. I'm not interested in your games.
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just keeps standing there with his coat out.
waiting.
ever hopeful.
perhaps this man is selling him this gun?
the merchant reaches out...... ]
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after this wesker walks onward. he gets to a dock.
that's when he sees him... that same man...
how... ?]
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[ .... 10 seconds later.
the merchant sees a familiar face.
he beams proudly. another returning satisfied customer! ]
STRANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHADARYA BUYYYIIIIIN??????
[ maybe another strange new wad of treasure like last time??? ]
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...I don't have any money.
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Stranger, stranger...
[ nods understandingly.
then.
after a long long long moment of silence of just standing there with his coat open.
he slowly reaches out... and taps hunk's helmet ]
I'LL BUY IT AT A HIGH PRICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I'll trade it for something good. It's custom-made.
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[ he shakes his head. oh this one is a special special customer, he can tell.
he's got just the thing!
the merchant reaches deep within his cloak and....
... pulls out an egg. ]
Now THIS is a weapon!!!!
[ proudly holds it in front of hunk's face ]
LMAO You're full of win. *throws in a teeny bit of own crack/discreet 4th wall*
You too, huh?
It's a shame Leon's not around to buy anything, huh? [Gosh he looks creepier in person
but he wasn't so bad in the game, if the merchant is just like that...]If you had anything else to sell than just guns, I might be interested to see that.
[Mari doesn't like guns. She prefers summoning her own swords and blunt instruments. In some ways, it's handy being a nanotech cyborg. Something her version of Leon doesn't know about. It's been some years since she last saw him.]
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well clearly we need to get old school up in here
Oh, good, I was looking for a merchant. I need an Eclair, three Barbecue Sauces, and one Faerie Dust. And make it snappy.
best dm post ever, everyone else go home
I need you to stop helping out Leon. If you don't, things could get real ugly for you.
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Mmrph mmpha mmphamile mrrphu?
[you're not a pedophile are you, mister? because you look like one, no offense.]
i wish i played other castlevania protags.
By what sorcery have you acquired such items?
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...Uh?
[What kind of weird stuff is he trying to peddle off to the poor girl anyway?]
Are you sure they're goods? I've never seen anything like them before.
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perhaps his favorite stranger has lost his companion once again.
ah, he knows just the thing.
the merchant closes his coat and then...........
DRAMATICALLY OPENS IT ONCE AGAIN TO REVEAL--
A FLASHLIGHT ]
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEELCOME!
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why, he hasn't seen a clown since he was a wee merchant. ]
HYEHYEHYEHYEHYEHYEHYE!
[ he chortles merrily ]
"whip open his creep jacket like he's a flasher" --a quote to go down in history
for the merchant has no wares such as this eclair, barbecue sauce, or faerie dust.
but how can he satisfy this wandering stranger?! ]
Aaaah!
[ dramatically reaches out in his jacket and... WHIPS OUT A GREEN POTTED PLANT!
AND NOT ONE, BUT TWO EGGS! ]
Stranger, stranger....
[ says in a foreboding tone. ambient noise blasts in the background. ]
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WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELCOME!
[ hollers out in krauser's face. nothing like a fine greeting for a friendly face!
he eyes the knife. what a fine display of skill and finesse! such a weapon would certainly... ]
AAAH! I'll buy it at a high price!
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this might be that crafty little man trying to kill his favorite stranger in disguise. an act of trickery, no doubt! that salazar, always up to no good.
the merchant frowns and closes his cloak. then he goes silent.
and stands in his idle pose. ]
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[ the merchant chortles, a glint of merriment dancing in his eyes.
he always loves to delight and surprise a customer! ]
IT'S A NICE GUN, STRANGER!!!
[ what a concise and helpful answer for this poor, confused stranger ]
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all of which he's tucked into rather large pockets in his jacket.
ANYWAY, he lets out a hearty guffaw at such a question.
perhaps he'll take it as a compliment. ]
HYEHYEHYEHYEHYE................. thank you.
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[Who else but Ricardo Irving should wander in, hastily setting down an oversized silver briefcase with a clunk at his side.]
Am-scray! [He snaps his fingers impatiently, like scolding a misbehaved dog.] You tryin' ta drum up business in my territory?!
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uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
and then he promptly passive aggressively whips open his coat, the heavy material (weighed down with like 300 things) smacking ricardo's shit out of the briefcase and all over the ground in one mighty blow. ]
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELCOME!
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reaching into his coat pocket, Kenny withdraws a crumpled up wrapper from the last booster pack he bought, then holds it up for the guy to see.
yes, sir. take a good look at this. take a good, long look.]
Mmh mhhph mhhfs!
[only the finest of wares for young Kenneth here.]
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What are you doing with that egg?
[Hold up a sec, something's not quite right here.]
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yesss
You have nothing I require.
ty, ty. we will write history together my friend
Is that a freaking potted plant? The hell kinda merchant are you?
[or not]
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[Whoops, there go a whole bunch of really fragile looking vials, filled to the brim with some questionable red fluids. They tumble out of Irving's briefcase, thankfully not violently enough to shatter on the spot, but you can practically feel just how much air leaves his lungs in that one painful moment.]
Cayuhfull wit' dat! You'll -
[Aw, geez, now you've got Irving on his hands and knees, gingerly scooping up his vials and setting them safely back into storage, shooting the Merchant a dirty glare over his bony little shoulder.]
Real friggin' cute, pal. You tink dat's funny?! One drop a'dis stuff'll mess you up bad!
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[She whipped out a bomb and blew up the nearest vehicle in embarrassment. That was just how she rolled.]
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That dramatic reveal of a common, battery powered item causes her smile brightly in amusement. She even laughs a little, honestly not expecting him to carry such items. The only non-weapon item she remembers he sold, in Leon's past, was First Aid Spray--although she won't be needing that.
Her nano's give her a rapid self-healing ability.]
Okay, let's see. [She zips open her purse to get out her wallet.] I think I have ten bucks... Don't worry 'bout the change! You keep it.