on happiness. mostly.

[hexappeal]

So. I'm digging my own grave. The more I try to climb out of this hole, the deeper I fall into it. I really can't handle another emotionally handicapped idiot for a significant other and let's face it, puppeteer of mine! James? Pretty much the very definition of that. I'm not always the most mature person, but it took magic to make him honest.

Twice.

Let me remind you that both times I had to initiate the conversations. I know that a place where I don't belong and can't even remember when I'm not there isn't ideal to start a relationship, but it's been nearly two years and I'm about to hit the big four-oh. I have to start thinking about my happiness, since you're obviously taking your sweet time with it.

Speaking of my happiness, you could probably stand to try a little harder to find a medium-sized game that allows AUs. Lazily posting to that one place at the last minute isn't exactly putting an effort forth, lazy bones.

Comments

[glowsferatu]

I imagine, then, that it doesn't get simpler with age, as has often been supposed?

[hexappeal]

It can, if you allow it to.

I just have a problem with falling for completely incompatible jerks. If you don't do that, you're in the clear.

[glowsferatu]

...That bodes ill, given my history. Though if the current infatuation is so clear an improvement on the last, perhaps the next will be even more so.

[hexappeal]

Your acknowledging that you don't always fall for the right sort. I'd say that's the first step. I tend to delude myself.

[glowsferatu]

Well, it's far easier in hindsight, outside their company. Within it, I'd simply becoming a flustering buffoon, allowing the whims of my heart to guide my actions.

I don't imagine I'm so immune to these delusions, either.

[hexappeal]

It's not always a bad thing.

If anything, it will just make you stronger.

[glowsferatu]

And how is that?

[hexappeal]

You know how to deal with this sort of thing. And, with any luck, you'll soon start to realize the signs that it's not working out or can't work out. You might be able to break the cycle.

[glowsferatu]

Is this how it's proceeded for you?

Luck isn't a material I've ever had ownership of in any worthwhile quantity. But it is coincidental that you would mention it, given the role of fortune, as expressed by Light, in both past and present scenarios.

[hexappeal]

Something like that.

Well, maybe not luck, exactly. Circumstance might be a better word. The universe can be very random and what you receive from it isn't always within your control, as easy as it can be to think of it that way. You can't always allow all blame to be put on yourself for whatever issues you may be having.

You can't blame it entirely on circumstance, either. It's a mix of the two. I strongly believe that if you really want something, you can make it happen.

[glowsferatu]

I generally find it far easier to simply accept the responsibility myself. I'm no stranger to failure already, what's another addition to that pile?

Could it be that my desires simply aren't strong enough, if I should find myself incapable of shaping circumstances to meet them?

[hexappeal]

It bothers you, even if you want to act like it doesn't. It takes two people to create a relationship, by the way. You can't place the blame on yourself if the other party isn't trying to work it out.

Maybe. Or maybe they won't take shape because the universe has something better planned for you along the lines.

[glowsferatu]

No, I recognize that, and my frustrations perhaps stem from that very point, as the effort is largely on my end and I often question the worth of continuing it from that position.

I do my best to render my feelings at least unobtrusive, however, every time I resolve to simply give up in order to preserve our friendship, she'll give me some glimmer of something more occurring. Lacking a full disclosure of the nature of her affections, it's an unending holding pattern that I'm not certain how I should appropriately respond to.

But, glancing at the thread above, you seem to have similar issues in encouraging her honest expression, while at the same time not wishing to force her hand.