on development and upcoming plot things at queenofheartsrp

[headedforhope]

It's not easy being brave, is it, Mun-san?

It's hard to acknowledge your fear, to accept that ugly part of yourself and act anyway instead of becoming paralyzed. To let yourself be vulnerable, to be honest even when it's painful. To change....to walk forward, rather than cry all alone.

I don't know very many things that I struggle with more. Fighting monsters is scary, yet that's a familiar sort of fright - I can handle that. But what you're planning? I really don't know.

....but I have to try, right? I can't run away anymore.

[Slow exhale. A weak little smile.]

No matter how it ends, for better or worse, at least I'll have been brave.

Comments

[yeoldesnake]

Being brave isn't an excuse for being stupid. Remember that, kid.

[headedforhope]

I know, sir, and I will. [a pause.] I'm afraid I'll have to be a little bit stupid, though.

[revolutionized]

[Huh. Utena isn't sure what's on the go, but she senses a pep talk is in order.] Whatever it is, I bet you can handle it. [a smile.] You're pretty tough! Er, and... [Awkward kicking at the ground.] If it's something you can't handle on your own, I'll try my best to help.

[Yeah! Peptalk achieved.]

[headedforhope]

[Her eyes brighten, just a little, and yet that smile doesn't grow any stronger. This is a tiring enough facade of composure as it is.]

Thank you, Utena-san. But... [she smiles wearily down at her shoes.] ....even if I couldn't handle it, it's still something I have to attempt alone. If I accept help, it won't mean anything.

Perhaps that doesn't make sense, but it's the truth.

[revolutionized]

Hmm... [She frowns, perplexed and a little bothered.] This sounds serious. Is it dangerous? I don't...ah, I don't want you to get hurt.

[headedforhope]

Dangerous? I guess it is, in a way. I'm definitely going to be hurt, I know. It's not something that can be avoided. But I suppose... [she fumbles a little, uncharacteristically, trying to put into words a secret she can't fully reveal yet, before softly admitting:] ...that I also know it'd hurt worse if I did nothing at all.

[revolutionized]

That's pretty mysterious, y'know. [An attempt at a smile, to set Mami at ease.] I hope...you don't get hurt very badly, and... [a pause.] Good luck.

[headedforhope]

[there's no answer for a long moment - just that subdued, melancholic little smile of her own as utena's words linger in the air between them.]

Sorry, I know I'm being vague. But you'll find out what I mean soon....I promise.

[another slow exhale as she gathers her courage, and then she makes herself look the other girl in the eye.]

Can I ask you something, Utena-san?

[revolutionized]

It's all right. I just worry about you, that's all. [She meets Mami's gaze steadily.] And sure, go ahead.

[headedforhope]

[she holds the gaze, somehow, fighting the ingrained urge to glance away again.]

Do you think you'll ever regret being my friend?

[revolutionized]

Hm? [A perplexed frown.] Of course not. Heh, you're stuck with me now.

[headedforhope]

[The smile wavers, just for a moment.]

...I'm glad.

[And yet, her relief feels hollow. She doesn't let herself fully believe that, doesn't allow herself to place all her hope in Utena's words, sincere as they are or not.

....still, a hollow relief is still relief of a sort, and she relaxes slightly.]

[revolutionized]

Heh, this is pretty heavy, huh? [Utena smiles, but the expression is tinged with concern.]

If it turns out to be too much, you should tell me, okay? I know I don't have magic powers and all, but I...if I can protect you, I'll try my best.

[headedforhope]

[A nod; there's no point in denying that, in making this out to be less important to her than it really is, despite the vagueness blurring and hiding the truth of it all from Utena.]

This isn't something I can be protected from, I'm afraid. But I appreciate that all the same, Utena-san. [...] You'll....understand what I mean.

[revolutionized]

[A reluctant nod. Utena still looks deeply concerned, but she decides to let it go for now. After all, Mami knows how to take care of herself, she's sure.]

...All right. I'll trust that you know what's best, then.

[deadlywish]

Wise words. I wish to have that kind of courage one day.

[headedforhope]

[She regards this copy of herself calmly, searching that identical face - those twin gold eyes.]

I won't promise that you will, because you don't deserve to be lied to like that. [Just as she had never deserved it, not like she used to so painfully believe.] But it's possible. Such a thing....isn't yet beyond either of us.

suddenly a jerk

[invocation]

Sounds like you're about to do something stupid.

too lazy to change accounts lol, also /kicks in the face

[ex_justification388]

Ah, Sakura-san.....

[A pause, and Mami just nods. It's a tired, helpless gesture, yet also one of acceptance rather than defeat.]

I guess I can't argue that, heh.

ow!

[invocation]

What's the point of taking a dumb risk if you won't get anything out of it?

[ex_justification388]

There's no point at all, one could argue. But....I will be getting something out of this, so it's fine.

[invocation]

[That gets a puzzled look. She doesn't understand you, Mami. Finally:]

It's not like you to say stuff like that. [a.k.a. she's totally curious but she's too stubborn to actually ask outright.]

[ex_justification388]

[She meets the bewilderment calmly, with a steadiness that lacks the aloof (and sometimes cold) appraisal of other times. When Mami looks at Kyouko, there's no hint of any old and bitter hurt in her gold eyes. The fact of their estrangement, the aching memories piled up like bodies......she hasn't forgotten any of it. But she doesn't have to forget to be able to let it go, to relinquish her grudges and allow them to become toothless, without power or influence. There's no point in being angry with Kyouko anymore. There's no point in indulging such miseries.]

No, it isn't. [A pause; her voice is musing, ever more thoughtful.] But then, I'm not the same person I used to be. That's why I can take dumb risks despite being afraid, and find something to value in the painful spoils.

[She admits her fear almost carelessly. Compared to her plans, and what will follow in the aftermath of their execution, this conversation barely stings at all.]

[invocation]

Hm.

[It's another sign, Kyouko thinks, of the distance she's deliberately created between them. That she doesn't know...or understand Mami's new reasoning, and is having difficulty reconciling it with the Mami she remembers. But she doesn't seem different in a bad way, just an unusual way, and Kyouko eventually relents with a nod.

It's not really any of her business, and that hurts to think, but only briefly. After all, that's the choice she made. There's no reason to have regrets when you choose to take a path.]

Well, it'd be a waste to tell you not to do it. [a lazy shrug.] If you know what you're getting into.

[ex_justification388]

I guess it would be, huh? [She chuckles - the sound oddly light, almost carefree for a moment, rather than weighed down with secret pain and hidden meaning.] Still, your concern's appreciated.

[A gentle poke, a teasing without bite or barb. If Kyouko really didn't care, she wouldn't have responded - would not have pried, in any form.]

[invocation]

Concerned? Tch. [She shrugs her shoulders, apparently the epitome of apathy.] Just wanted to be sure you knew what you were getting into.

[ex_justification388]

...Of course, of course. How silly of me to think otherwise! Ah - my apologies, Sakura-san.

[Yet the good cheer and quiet fondness doesn't fade, doesn't weaken or crumble away. It's all right, Mami thinks, for this Kyouko to feign indifference. Mami knows better, and for now that's enough.]