dear_mun | Spoilers for season 4 of The Walking Dead!

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canon: the walking dead

Spoilers for season 4 of The Walking Dead!

Coulda made it on my own just fine, could still make it on my own if you'd just let me be. [Except he really couldn't. Sure, the walkers might not cause him too much hassle - he's smart enough to avoid getting caught out my a whole flock of those things unawares - and getting enough food just to feed himself would be a hell of a lot easier. But he still wouldn't make it. Being alone, completely isolated? Solitude to a man like Daryl, it's like some kind of poison, eating away at his insides.] What do you know about it anyway, huh? Not like you'd last five minutes out here. Don't need you tellin' me what's what, who to be with.

I don't need nobody's help. Not yours, not theirs, not anybody's, you got that?

[Hey. Hey, Daryl. Guess what? Claimed.] Don't you start that shit with me.

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You really think that? So you can what? Wake up everyday just to keep breathin'? Besides, you don't have to be. None of us have to be, if you just make it here.

What, Terminus? That's just a pipe dream, Maggie. What's a guy like me gonna do in a place like that? [Rot, probably. Assuming they even let him through the gate.]

'Sides, you got Glenn with you. Sasha. Bob. Who've I got, huh? Nobody. [Beth. He had Beth. And he let her go. He's fucked up in some pretty spectacular ways before now - honestly, he hadn't thought it could get much worse than losing Sophia the way they did - but this? This could well be his last straw.]

[Daryl shakes his head, working his jaw as he grinds his teeth together, forcing the words out from between them, barely audible.] I'm done. I'm done with all this. [Merle left him. Then Carol. Then Rick. Seems one way or another, people just up and leave while Daryl trails behind, desperate to be relevant, to mean something to somebody.]

[She smiles, that smile that says she understands but she's not giving up on that. Yes, Glenn had been her driving factor but that didn't mean she had forgotten about everybody - anybody - else. Especially not Beth. Somehow, it seemed as if finding him would make the others just appear.]

You still got us. You're not here yet but you can be. Beth...[Okay, so maybe that smile falters.] We got Beth in common and I'm not giving up on her. Neither should you.

Ain't givin' up on her. [Just on himself.] She's got good instincts. Might make a half-decent tracker out of her yet. She - [He wets his lips, bracing himself to get the words out, words he's not sure he entirely believes just now.] She's gonna make it. I know that.

[That part of him, the one that's steadily been growing since their group was scattered like dandelion seeds in the wind, keeps whispering viciously at him in Merle's voice. You're here 'cause of you, brother. Ain't nobody else to blame. Face it, man. You pussied out.] Just... that place. I mean... I wanna be there. I just can't, is all. Ain't no place for me.

You don't believe that... you can't. They'll always be a place for you with us. [They didn't interact much but that didn't mean Maggie didn't notice. First, on the farm, even if he stayed by himself, he looked for that little girl like nobody else. Since then, he'd brought how many back to the prison?]

I don't get you sometimes, and I guess you want that but, sometimes, I'm thinkin' you see yourself for who you're scared you are, and not like the rest of us.

Not just gonna be us anymore, is it? There'll be other people there, other survivors. Not gonna be up to you or Rick who gets in. [And who's to say a lowlife redneck like Daryl, good for hunting and tracking and very little else, will be any use to them whatsoever?]

[I ain't scared of nothin'. The words are already there on his tongue, ready to fight his corner, before he chokes them down. The last time he'd had a similar conversation, it hadn't exactly gone how he'd planned. He fights them back, swallowing thickly around them, and preoccupies himself with the dirt at his feet.] Maybe I ain't the kinda man you think I am.

I never did a lot of the picking, myself. [He's one of the most resourceful people on the team, he's good at doing the tough stuff, he cares more than he lets on. Terminus would be lucky to have him.]

Yeah? Maybe you are. Maybe you're that guy who kept savin' people, bringing them back to the prison. [She tilts her head.] I'm willin' to bet that's the kind of guy you are.

You were too busy keepin' the place runnin'. Wouldn't have been anythin' to bring them back to otherwise.

[Maybe. Maybe he did do all that but he still didn't manage to bring Beth back, did he? He considers saying it, just to wound Maggie enough to distract her from his obvious discomfort, the flush of embarrassment creeping up the back of his neck. But it's too cruel, even for him.] But we're not at the prison anymore, are we? I just -- [Want things back the way they were. Only he doesn't have the heart to say it, it's that kind of pansy-assed thinking that's got him into this mess in the first place.]

[Daryl bites down on what's left of his thumbnail instead with a dissatisfied hmmm, shaking his head, the longs bangs of his hair falling into his eyes. He's not good at this, all of this talking. He tries, he does, but the words always get caught in his throat.]

Don't say things like that...*She whispers softly*

You were gonna cover up that guy's body. [ He hadn't in the end, but he'd still picked up the sheet and thought about it. That means something to Beth. ]

[Daryl's proving her point. She came here to give the pep talk and here he is, giving it instead.

But it's okay, because Maggie knows what he's going to say and she agrees.] Daddy...he, uh.. [It's still hard to talk about him.] He said a lot of smart things but back when everybody was gettin' sick, he said we had to pick what we risked our lives for. I think you made your choice, I think you chose to risk it for us. Even if it ain't the prison, it's a place, maybe a place that we can call home.

Ain't sayin' nothin' that ain't true. [She might not like it - Hell, even he doesn't like it, hates the thought of his own sorry company - but it is what it is. They all left and, just like that, Daryl's almost back where he started.] I'm fine on my own, I don't need nobody lookin' out for me.

Thought it might've been somethin' you guys would've done, but - Hm. [But that's the kind of soft thinking that's liable to get him killed out here. Now's not the time to around acting like a pussy.]

[He doesn't finish the thought, settling for a non-committal hum in the back of his throat, shuffling from foot to foot. He avoids her eyes and the disappointment he expects to see in them.]

[ Beth doesn't look disappointed. After everything that guy said to Daryl and after he'd tried to get Daryl in trouble, she can see why he wouldn't want to cover him up because he sure as hell wouldn't have covered up Daryl's body (and the thought of that makes her feel sick). Would Beth still have covered him up if she'd been there? Probably. But he'd still thought about it doing it because it was something she would have done. That's why she doesn't look as upset with him as she could be, even if he'd talked himself out of it. ]

It's all part of some plan, right? You being with them. [ She doesn't see him as a dumb redneck. He's smart, she knows he is. ] You're still looking for the others. [ It's okay if he's given up looking for her, she's probably a lost cause, but he can't give up on finding the others. ]

Wasn't enough, was it? I mean - [Her old man might have been right - usually was, after all - and maybe Maggie's right about this but that was before. Before everything went to shit again. All because his best wasn't fucking good enough.] I mean, I couldn't - [Couldn't stop it. Couldn't save him. Them. Everybody. If he'd just done something, maybe things wouldn't be how they are now.]

[He doesn't deserve a home with them, not really. What's he done to earn it, anyway?]

[He says none of this, just dwells on the thought as he avoids Maggie's eye, letting the unkempt bangs of his fair fall across his face. He chews on the inside of his cheek and shakes his head, hmming in the back of his throat. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He can't.]

Chances of findin' 'em again are pretty slim. [He's not sure he even wants to, not if it means bringing Joe along for the ride, ruthless son of a bitch that he is. He doesn't want to expose the group to somebody like that, to people like them.]

[But, if they're going to be anywhere, Terminus is as good a place as any.] But don't you worry about me. Just make sure you get yourself someplace safe, alright? You just let me handle this.

So what now ? *She asks him softly as she crosses her arms over her chest * You just going to pretend that none of us ever mattered ? That we dont even exist anymore ? Does that make it vetter for yiu ?

I ain't forgotten nothin'. [He spits out the word through his teeth, shoulders tense, hands clenched at his side. She doesn't warrant it - Hell, he should be more fucking glad to see her, the ungrateful bastard - but the question grates on him.]

[Where does she get off asking him stuff like that anyway? As far as he's concerned, she lit on out and forgot about them long before he did.] 'Case you forgot, ya'll left me. I'm just tryin' to survive out here.

I didn't leave you, Daryl. I would never leave any of you. Rick told to me to leave, so I did but I.came back.

*She then shrugged her shoulders slightly * At least you're alive. I'm glad for that.

Fuck Rick. Guy was wrong, just like he was wrong about lookin' for the Governor. You should've come back, I could've - I could've done somethin'. [He should've gone looking for her as well while he was at it but she had to go and drive off in a car, going someplace he could never follow.]

[And, after all this, all he's really trying to say is, I needed you and you weren't there. If only he had the courage.]

You didn't need to do anything. [She told him softly. She hadnt seen Daryl act like this in a very long time. She could tell he was broken and deep down she could only hope she could at least help him ]

Rick needed you, I'm sure he still needs you. He needs you more than any of us do. As much as you don't want to believe that but he does need you, I need you. And I know I may be a little late but I'm here now if you may be need me too.

Rick, he - [Is he even alive? The last Daryl saw of him, he was squaring off against the Governor, the perfect target.] - he's halfway to goddamn Chattanooga by now. [They won't waste time looking for him, Daryl knows better than that. Hell, he even half hopes they don't, if only because he doesn't want anymore people to die just because of him. He's nobody.]

This is it. This is just how it's gotta be. [And he hates it.]

I don't know where Rick is or if he even made it out alive. I don't know what all happened but I'm sure Rick put up a pretty good damn fight . [She tells him lowly before she gives a small shrug]

Maybe he's headed to Terminus too ? Maybe everyone is ?

None of us could. We fought, Daryl. We might of lost but we fought. You don't think none of us deserve to be home, so I just don't get what you think is so much worse about you.

[She doesn't know about Merle, about his father, about any of the inner demons he has to face on a daily basis.]

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Spoilers for season 4 of The Walking Dead!

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